To Parent as One Who Has Been Richly Forgiven

Does God Spank His Children?

2012-01-15T13:32:00.000-08:00

I am saddened when I hear a Christian, a dear redeemed child of God, say "God spanks His children." Why does this sadden me? Because it misrepresents God, and it takes away from what Christ did on the cross on our behalf.

The only support I have ever heard for this idea comes from Hebrews 12. Hebrews 12:6 reads: "FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES.” It certainly would appear that this passage teaches believers that God spanks His children, due to the use of the term "scourges".

A sound principle to use when trying to understand any Scriptural passage is to never lift a verse out of context when interpreting it. In a previous post, I went step by step through Hebrews 12, so I will not do that here, but, for the sake of this discussion, here is a summation: Hebrews 12 is a passage that was meant to ENCOURAGE believers to ENDURE persecution. The author is urging readers not to give up in the face of hardship, keeping their eyes fixed on the goal (as though they are runners in a race), remembering how Jesus suffered at the hands of angry men.

In fact, Jesus, the author of our faith, the perfect Son of God, was scourged for our transgressions, and thus all of us are able to be received as God's purified sons and daughters. Isaiah 53:5 reads, "But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed."

Through Jesus, through His scourging and death on our behalf, WE ARE HEALED. He took the punishment for our sins! Hebrews 12:6 needs to be seen in the context of what Jesus did on our behalf, and in the context of the passage, which refers not to punishment for wrongdoing, but to God's training of His children as they face hardships and, indeed, persecution in life. God urges believers to endure hardship as from His hand; there is no reference in this passage to hardship being a punishment for wrongdoing. If there was, then believers would be urged not to sin, so as to AVOID hardship; believers would be cautioned to question whether hardship in their lives was due to their misbehavior. But that is NOT what this passage teaches...in fact, the passage encourages believers to EMBRACE hardship as discipline (paideia, training). They are encouraged to ENDURE, and to see hardship as a sign that they are, indeed, God's children (believers should not worry when they face hardship that God has forgotten them, or that He is angry with them, or that He is working against them).

The purpose of a spanking is to cause a behavior to cease, or, as some parents believe, to rid their children of sin-guilt. We need to really think about God's discipline as laid out in Hebrews 12 and ask ourselves if spanking aligns with God's discipline of His children. God doesn't discipline His children to relieve them of sin-guilt--that is what Jesus did; when we feel guilt for our sins, we are supposed to look to Jesus as our high priest who has made intercession for us already (this is actually discussed at length in the book of Hebrews). In my next post, I will discuss how God's discipline of His children differs from a spanking.

Our Christian culture says that spanking is biblical; it says that if moms and dads choose not to spank, then they are disobeying God's command. The implication, then, is that God spanks us grown ups too. If that is the case, we ought to live in constant fear of God. Every time hardship or persecution enters our lives, we need to ask ourselves: what did I do wrong this time? We need to strive very hard never to do wrong so that God won't need to punish us. Furthermore, we will always fear that when we do wrong, God temporarily takes the stance of "judge," rather than that of "Abba, Father." In short, we will not live in love, for, as 1 John 4:18 states: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." It is time for us to look outside of our cultural norms, and to really dig deep into God's word, being careful not to jump to conclusions based on what we are taught, but based on what Scripture is actually saying.

What Really Matters

2011-12-20T18:53:00.000-08:00

Little man was very upset. He didn't like it that his mommy and daddy said no more tv for the rest of the day. He felt like screaming. In fact, he did start screaming. The screaming hurt mommy's and daddy's ears, so mommy carried him into his room to finish screaming. She didn't leave him in there by himself, though. She stayed in the room with him. She spoke softly to him, with words of understanding. She gave him a back rub. Little man calmed down and began enjoying the back rub. Then his mommy told him that sometimes God tells her to do something that she doesn't like. She shared with him how she tells God how she feels, and asks for His help to do the right thing. Then she asked if he wanted to hear a story. "Yes, mommy!" little man exclaimed, always ready for a story. So mommy proceeded to tell him the story of Jonah, a prophet who did not want to do what God told him to. Little man listened with rapt attention.

As mommy recounted the way that Jonah ran from God, but God knew where He was the whole time, how God showed Jonah and the people of Nineveh grace, how God wants us to simply listen to what He says, and to trust Him, even if we don't like it, she realized something important: we mommies and daddies can sometimes place too much importance on our parenting methods. But,in the end, what will really stick with our children?

If parenting is about the heart, then we need to focus the majority of our time with our children dwelling on things that will stick with them throughout their lives. And what will stick better than those stories spoken out of God's mouth, penned by the God-followers of old? Stories that will remind them of truth, of God's grace, of the fact that the doorway to heaven stands open to them because of the precious gift of Jesus.

We need to recount truth-filled stories to our children. I am reminded of God's instructions to the Israelites: “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:6-9)

God gave these instructions to them so that they would not forget Him when they were dwelling in comfort in the Promised Land. He wanted the Israelites to talk to their children about Him when they were sitting, walking, lying down, and waking up...in other words, over and over again, all day long.

Are we filling our ears and those of our children with truth, with stories and truth from God all day long? Or are we spending all of our time and energy focused on a method, worried when our children misbehave or don't fit a certain mold, fearing that they won't turn out unless we do this or that?

Let's give our children the timeless gift of God's truth during this New Year that is swiftly approaching, and throughout all the years to follow.

Merry Christmas, dear fellow mommas! Let's keep Jesus' precious gift to us the focus of our momming!

Parenting Through Changes

2011-11-29T15:54:00.000-08:00

We moved recently. And not just across town. We moved from the southernmost tip of Texas to mid-Tennessee. We moved as an act of faith, believing that God wants us in Tennessee to help out with a mission that is just starting up.

We suspected that the move would be hard on our children, and, while it was also fun and exciting, our sweet three-and-a-half year old son and our precious, very active nine-month-old baby girl (who hates her car seat, incidentally) went through some major upheaval. I realized through this move how hard it is to take my children on journeys that are sure to be fraught with hardships. Radical faith is not as romantic as some would have us to believe. But without radical faith in a radical God, life would be so empty. I want my children to grow up seeing that while life may be hard, God is an always-faithful Father, the Father who owns the cattle on a thousand hills. The Father who will never ever let us down.

But this move has been tough in many ways. First, our son spent the final day of our road trip with a high fever and nausea (and yes, he did puke all over the moving truck). Then, right after we finished unloading the moving truck, the baby and I came down with the same mysterious sickness.

After about a week, we were all on the mend. And that is when the wild emotions kicked in, for all of four of us. My husband and I felt confused, disoriented, and tired. Baby girl was fussy fussy fussy. And little man threw tantrums like none we have ever seen before. We questioned our parenting. What had we done wrong? And then, my wise husband said, "You know, maybe he just feels as lost and confused as we do, and he doesn't know how to express his feelings." That statement put our entire family on the road to healing, as husband and I turned to God's grace, and realized that this was our chance to pour out His grace toward our son.

What did this look like?

-Lots of hugs, lots of verbalizing feelings for our son

-Refusing to be embarrassed by our sons little bits misbehavior, realizing that he felt out of control

-Establishing a routine (will do a post on this one soon)

-Letting our son see us turn towards God when we were struggling

-Spending time enjoying and playing with our children

Our little guy also became quite aggressive after the move. It seemed that he was taking out his frustrations on his baby sister. Husband and I had an earnest talk one night, in which we decided on a plan to help our son realize that, while he was allowed to have his feelings, he was not allowed to hurt his sister. Every time he screamed at her, pinched her, or tried to kick her, we implemented "you hit, you sit," except we used his big, soft bed in the room as the place for him to sit. We said these words each time, "Uh, oh, you may not hurt your sister. When you are ready to treat her kindly, you may come out of your room." Key to this, was to not shame, scold, lecture or punish. We simply wanted our son to see that he could control his actions toward his sister. It was beautiful to see our little guy begin to treat his sister with respect; and to see him grow in the realization that he could control himself.

I want all of my blog readers to know that I plan to post more frequently in the future, and I also plan to revamp my blog soon to include pictures and be more friendly to read.

Grace truly covers a multitude of sins. May we revel in God's grace daily, clinging to Him as we press on towards the finish line.

Genuine Obedience

2011-10-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

Little man was playing with daddy yesterday. I smiled as I overheard their conversation:

Daddy: "We will play with your train set, but first I want you to clean up these toys."
Little man: "Okay, daddy. Okay. I will clean them up right now."

I smiled because we have never forced our son to say, "Okay," when we make a request of him. Yes, when we have a specific request we make sure that we follow through, that our request gets headed, that our words have meaning. And our little guy does not always say, "okay," when we ask something of him. Sometimes, our requests make him upset.

So hearing, "Okay, daddy. I will," just melts our hearts. Why? Because it is a response to us that comes straight from the heart of our precious child. It is a response that we did not force or manipulate. It is a response based on our child's love for us.

That being said, I wish to clarify before going any further that my children are human. I am not any more shocked when they mess up, then when I myself do. My husband and I are not aiming to grow children who are models of exemplary behavior. We are aiming to raise children who understand that God's grace in Christ covers all our sins; children who understand that Jesus wants us to have an authentic relationship with Him.

Philippians 2:5-8 describes true obedience as exemplified by Christ himself:

Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.

The beauty of Jesus' obedience here? His obedience was a choice. It was a choice for Him to humble himself. It was a choice for Him to sacrifice His life for us. God did not say, "Jesus, you are my beloved son, so I am going to force you to obey, because that is the right thing for you to do." No, Jesus had a perfect, intimate relationship with God; He was God; yet, He chose obedience.

You see, integral to genuine obedience is choice. When we force our children to "hop to it" and do what we say, or else, we teach them to comply. Many children are labeled as obedient because they immediately, without question, do what their parents tell them to do; I would label these children as "compliant," because they are doing what their parents tell them to in order to a)avoid punishment and b)avoid parental disapproval.

That is not to say that I don't help my son comply with my requests. I choose to do this without the use of punishments of any type. But, to keep my children safe, to teach them to become responsible citizens, I require compliance, with the offer of help if they are having trouble complying on their own.

Yet, this leads to the question of our ultimate goal as parents: is it to have children who are compliant, or children who understand what it means to genuinely obey from the heart? Many times throughout the Bible, the following phrase is used: "the obedience of faith." It provides a wonderful example of what genuine obedience erupts from. When we choose to believe what God says, when we choose to trust Him, we are exhibiting the obedience of faith. And what brings us to this obedience? It is a confidence that God can be trusted; that in His very nature, He is good. It is a confidence that what He says is true. It is an assurance that we are perfectly accepted in the Beloved. It is the rest that is found in knowing that we do not need to do anything to please God, because Christ did it all, and we are hidden in Him.

God NEVER uses force, fear, or coercion, though He has every right to, to get us to trust Him. Instead, He first restores relationship with us through Jesus. Then He invites us to daily walk in that relationship, which involves the obedience of faith.

As we care for, protect, guide, nurture, and correct our children, we must remember that our job as parents is not to somehow force our children to obey (though we often graciously help them to comply).

You see, obedience is a choice, a decision, that God wants our children to make on their own; devoid of any coercion on our parts. Children are told to obey their parents in both Ephesians and Colossians. We as parents need to recognize that obedience to us is something that God asks our children, not us, to accomplish. We also need to ask ourselves if our behavior toward our children invites them into a freedom-filled relationship with us; a relationship based on grace; a relationship in which obedience spontaneously erupts from a heart of love. We need to make sure that we are not parenting to impress others with our compliant children.

As our Father has so tenderly extended His love toward us, let us in turn reciprocate this love to our children. It may make our parenting look more messy than some, but for me, this messiness is worth the end product: children who understand obedience as a choice, and choose to obey anyways.

Swiftly Approaching Disequilibrium

2011-09-17T07:22:00.000-07:00

fI love these books by Louise Bates Ames & Frances L. Ilg in which they describe the development and behavior of different age groups. Here is the description of the three year old on the back cover of Your Three-Year-Old Child: "A three-year-old child is a real puzzle to parents, sometimes anxious to please and befriend, sometimes strong-willed and difficult to get along with. At the heart of the three-year-old's personality is often an emotional insecurity--and this causes a host of problems for parents!"

The first chapter of the book describes the three-year-old as easy-going and eager-to-please. Then, it describes an interesting phenomenon: at three and a half, the child undergoes a period of disequilibrium. Other Ames & Ilg development books describe how, usually at half ages, children undergo periods of emotional, physical, and behavioral "rockiness". This period is usually followed by a period of peace and stability. Here are some characteristics of three-and-a-half year old disequilibrium: "Refusing to obey is perhaps the key aspect of this turbulent, troubled period in the life of the young child....he strengthens this will by going against whatever is demanded of him.... (5)," "...characteristically inwardized, insecure, anxious, and, above all, determined and self-willed....The three-and-a-half-year-old child seems emotionally very insecure from the word go...(6)," "....stuttering...tensional outlets....vision, too, may pose special problems...emotional insecurity....sometimes it almost seems that nothing pleases...(7,8)."

When Aydon turned three, I immediately read and reread this Ames & Ilg book dedicated to three year olds. I do not follow all the discipline advice in the book, but I appreciate the description of age-appropriate behavior; it helps me be patient and understanding when my little guy has trouble.

At three, Aydon was so happy and easy to manage that I thought perhaps at three-and-a-half he would be an exception to the "rule". I am beginning to believe otherwise! Aydon is not three and a half yet, but he is almost there. Little three-and-a-half year old behaviors are manifesting themselves. Yesterday, at supper, he screamed, "Don't look at me!" to his dad, and then a few seconds later, sweetly offered to share some of his food with said longsuffering daddy.

But that is not all that happened yesterday! Earlier in the day, at the end of a long grocery-shopping trip, as I was sighing with relief and feeling proud because baby was sleeping peacefully on my bosom in the sling and Aydon was cheerful and visiting with me from the front seat of the cart, I encountered some astonishing behavior that ushered me swifty into the world of three-and-a-half. It all started with a small dollar-bill-like slip of paper that children are given at the checkout. It is called an HEBuddy buck; children place it in a kiddie slot machine located at the store exit, in exchange for stickers. Now, usually the cashier gives Aydon several said "bucks." But today, Aydon received only one. Being that Aydon was holding the buck, I thought that he realized he only had ONE to spend. I scooped Aydon out of the cart and set him in front of the machine. He skillfully fed the buck into the slot, and withdrew his sticker. "Ok, let's go home!" I cheerfully exclaimed, feeling like a GREAT momma (keep in mind that this slot machine is at the exit to the store; in other words, the kids using the machine are on display in front of all shoppers checking out). And that is where the trouble began...as I lifted Aydon back into the cart, he loudly declared, "No!!! I don't wanna ride in the cart! AAAAHHHH! I want another HEBuddy buck!!" (flailing and ruckus ensue). A grandma nearby, seeing my son's distress, offered him an extra buck (grrr...um, thank you, grandma). Foolishly, I took my screaming child out of the card and let him use the next buck. Then, as I lifted him back into the cart, drama ensued once more (oh, at this point he was also holding some pamphlets he had grabbed off a shelf), "NOOOO! I don't want to ride in the cart!" I finally managed to get him seated, upon which he angrily threw the pamphlets to the floor. Once again, foolishly, I lifted my boy out of the cart, growling, stifling my embarrassment, "Oh, no, Aydon, we need to clean these up." I held his hand and walked him to the pamphlets, placing one in his hand. "No! I can do it myself," exclaimed my suddenly-maniacal child, dislodging his hand from mine, and running like a madman toward the front door. At the last minute, he veered away, then made a wide arch towards the pamphlet stand, tossing the pamphlet onto it. And yes, horror of horrors, before I could get a grip on things, he repeated this with each of the other three pamphlets. Finally, I managed to grabbed my son and lifted him back into the cart. There was some good that came out of this: my son and I had an excellent and bonding conversation about the importance of listening to mommy on the way home.

As I reflected on the grocery store experience, I came to a startling realization: three-and-a-half is swiftly upon us. So, here are some decisions I am making in regards to how I want to handle things:

1) As one of my sweet readers pointed out: parent by the Spirit. Allow Him to control me. When a situation presents itself, take a deep breath, recognize that I do not have to let sin (anger, etc) control me, and allow the Spirit produce his fruit in my life (gentleness, patience, self-control, etc).

2) Revert to a main strategy used at two and a half, namely, remain near my child at all times, enforcing rules through swift, kind, firm action. For example, he absolutely must hold my hand in the parking lot, he will ride in the cart at the store, and if I make a request, I will stand near him so as to ensure that my request is heeded. This is because I realize that my son's inner world is rocky and out of sorts right now, and he needs stability in his outer world because he will have more trouble controlling himself than he used to.

3) Spend a lot of time outdoors, engaged in free play. Limit television, which winds little man up. Provide my precious child with a routine that is not too rigid, yet allows life to feel somewhat structured.

4) Remember that aberrant behavior is the result of inward upheaval, respond with compassion, don't take things personally, and recall how quickly this stage will pass, therefore enjoying each moment, whether easy or difficult to navigate.

Most of all, I want to remember that love and grace trump all other actions and attitudes, for my own Heavenly Father is constantly pouring out His love and grace on this often-crazily-behaved momma, as He gently reminds me that I need Him to take control, lead, and guide me at all times!

Al Naturale

2011-09-07T15:35:00.000-07:00

I was watching a TV show last night, which featured a large family. One of the children had written on the counter with marker, and the mom immediately marched her five littles in and demanded to know who the culprit was. Of course, none of the children would fess up, so all five had to stand in the utility room, noses to the wall, for four minutes (one minute per year of age). When the time was up, the mom explained to her children what they had done wrong, again, and sent them off to play. Now, I am not criticizing this mother...she clearly loved her children, but I do think she could have employed a different method. I noticed the sad looks on the children's faces after time-out, the look of children who are so sorry to have disappointed their mommy, so sad that their behavior forced her to punish them: the look of shame. I know from experience that long after a punishment has been implemented, the punishee (forgive me for coining a word here) worries that the punisher is unhappy with her/him, and also that the punishment is often more recollected by the punishee than the "crime" itself.

I posit that natural-like consequences would have been much more effective in this situation. The goal of Christian discipline, I believe, is to teach, correct and guide. So, when we discipline our children, we should ensure that our method will teach our children without shaming them. In the instance of the marker, the mom in question's goal was to teach her children not to write on counter tops. Why not invite them all into the kitchen, show them the marker stain, and then calmly declare, "Uh, oh, marker on the counter. Marker is only for paper. We need to clean this off."? Then, she could have handed her children each a rag, or a scrub brush, and let them work the marker off, possibly lending a hand here and there. This would need to be done without shaming comments, lectures, or angry words. In fact, it would be fine if, in the course of the consequence, the children actually had fun!! This way, the mom's role is not that of a judge who sentences her children and then carries out the sentence, but, rather, her role would be that of a kind teacher who offers her children the chance to correct and learn from mistakes.

Yesterday, little man wanted his daddy to play with him before work. Daddy informed him that he would play, after little man cleaned up the play dough he had been playing with. Little man did not want to clean up his play dough. Daddy warned him that the longer it took for him to clean up, the less time he would be able to play with little man, as he had to go to work. Little man started running around the room, playing with other toys. We informed him that he could either sit on the couch and rest (since he said he was too tired to clean up his play dough), or he could go ahead and clean up his mess. Little man opted to sit on the couch for a loooong time. Finally, he got up and cleaned up his play dough. Then he looked expectantly at daddy: "Play with me, daddy!" Daddy looked at his watch, and said, "All right, but I can only play for five minutes, and then I have to get ready for work." Little man accepted this, though he was a bit sad when his daddy had to leave to get ready for work. This is an example of a natural consequence in action. I believe that this is one of the most effective ways of teaching our children. Little man learned a bit about using his time wisely; he learned the reason why listening to what we say and doing it right away can have rewards (more time to play). He learned that he is responsible for his own behavior, and the consequences thereof. Never once did we have to shame, lecture, or punish. We did not have to stress out over our son's behavior--the choice and the consequences thereof, good or bad, were up to him.

This is really how God disciplines His children: His aim is to teach us, not to punish us. If in doubt, read Hebrews 11 and 12. Read the book of James. What do these books show is the purpose of discipline and trials in the Christian life? The purpose is to train His children, sometimes to correct them, but never to punish.

As parents, let us meditate on these excellent verses from 1 John 4:

¹⁵ If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. ¹⁶And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. ¹⁷ This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

Awaken Their Hearts

2011-08-17T08:12:00.000-07:00

My husband and I were listening to the Christian radio station today. He mentioned that he did not much like Third Day because the lead musician sounds like he is trying to copy the lead musician in Creed. This is a matter of opinion, of course, but my hubby and I don't care for most Christian music: to us it sounds canned, like food that was once tasty but has been processed so much that it has lost its original flavor. And that leads to the question: If we Christians have been redeemed, given a new heart; if our relationship with our Creator has been restored, then why does our music sound like yesterday's leftovers? Shouldn't we Christians, restored human beings, be the ones creating new and beautiful songs? Forgive me for saying this, but I think that Christian literature is canned also (though there are some exceptions). It seems to me that for so many Christians, their creativity, their sense of self, their ability to stand out in a crowd as something unique and indeed, a reflection of the divine, is masked, smothered somehow.

Where do we develop our sense of self? I believe that our sense of self develops as we grow from babyhood into adulthood, and is greatly influenced by our families, because, let's face it, no matter what sort of personality we have, we begin life looking up to the people who clothe and feed us. If family so influences the way we think about ourselves, it is vital that parents step back from their parenting practices, and take a long, hard look at what those practices are communicating to their children. If you observe most recommended Christian parenting practices today, you might be surprised to discover a secular influence: behavioral psychology. Now, this sad fact is laughable in some ways because most Christian parenting gurus scoff at modern psychology, citing it as the reason why parents choose not to spank, and therefore have hell-bent children (though I do see psychology, the study of the mind, as important, I do find it ironic that Christian parenting is so reliant on one "stream" of psychological thought).

Let me share with you some of the tenants of behaviorism as found on a web article by Saul Mcleod, a psychology lecturer at Wigan and Leigh College (http://www.simplypsychology.org/behaviourism.html):

Behaviourism is primarily concerned with observable behaviour, as opposed to internal events like thinking.

Behaviour is the result of stimulus – response (i.e. all behaviour, no matter how complex, can be reduced to a simple stimulus – response features).

Behaviour is determined by the environment (e.g. conditioning).

Behavior is the result of stimulus...hmmm....doesn't this sound like Christian parenting instruction? Reward good behavior, punish negative behavior. Follow this formula,and, lo and behold, you will have a good person, a quality kid. Oh, and just for good measure, use a few poetic Proverbs (wise sayings) literally, apply them as promises, and you have the perfect parenting philosophy, one that teaches that if you punish your children when they misbehave, with the rod, they will be saved from eternal punishment.

The problem is, however, that the core of the behaviorist approach is decidedly anti-biblical. Here are two central tenants of behaviorism(quoted from Saul Mcleod):

* People have no free will – a person’s environment determines their behavior

* When born our mind is 'tabula rasa' (a blank slate).

This is absolutely NOT what the Bible teaches. The Bible teaches that all our innermost parts were formed in our mother's wombs. The Bible teaches that we all inherited a nature from Adam that is messed up, bound to sin; but it also teaches that each person is given a will, the ability to make choices. If the foundation of so much Christian parenting philosophy is behaviorism, then we need to take a fresh look at our parenting techniques, and ask whether or not they are truly biblical.

Did you know that behaviorist techniques are used, effectively, to train animals? If you are trying to teach your dog to sit, for example, you will reward him with a bone each time he sits, until he learns to sit on command. Interestingly, as I have mentioned before, science now shows that punishments should not be used to train animals, as it will cause them to lose heart and become angry. The problem with using behaviorism on people is that it deals only with outward behavior. There is a sad misconception among many Christians that if they force their children to comply with their commands, then it will also change their children's hearts.

Let me take a shot at explaining what behaviorist techniques do to a child raised in a Christian home. Christian parents use God's law as their standard of right and wrong behavior (nothing wrong with that). The problem arises here: children are externally motivated to do right and to avoid doing wrong. They learn, early on, to only behave in an acceptable manner. If you, as an adult, knew that someone would inflict pain on you when you did something he/she did not want you to do, wouldn't you avoid the pain-inflicting behavior at all costs? So, when we look at the externals, it would appear that we are creating model citizens by applying behaviorist techniques. Again, the problem arises because behaviorism can only deal with the externals.

As Christians, we believe that children are born with a soul, with a personality, an identity, unique to them. They are also born with a sin nature, though in the Bible children themselves are never labeled as "devils" or as "ugly rotten sinners" who need to have the sin beaten out of them. When we reward our children for "good" behavior and punish them for "bad" behavior, we are not getting rid of the "bad" behavior; we are forcing it underground. Our children, like us, will at times experience jealousy, greed, selfishness and envy, etc. By punishing the outward expression of these inward vices, we are teaching our children to hide them, to pretend that they do not struggle with things. We are teaching them that they are good as long as they behave well. We are also instilling a deep shame and self-loathing in them, for they know that though they do not outwardly display certain behaviors and feelings, they experience them within. The only way they know, then, to deal with these things, is to mentally flog, berate and shame themselves. They inwardly yell, "I'm so stupid! I hate myself! Why can't I do better?"

These children are not offered the freedom that comes with knowing Christ, with understanding that He came to make their hearts new, clean, free of charge. Their parents teach them the gospel, but the children have been instilled with a lethal dose of shame, believing that at their core, they are evil, worthy of the worst of punishments. The children struggle to grasp the truth that when they put their trust in Christ's death and resurrection on their behalf, they are given a new, perfect, clean identity because they believe that their very personalities, their selves, designed in them by God, are ugly and wretched. If you believed this way, wouldn't you struggle to express yourself creatively? If you believed that you, at the core, are wretched, wouldn't you have trouble knowing who you are; wouldn't you, indeed, try very hard not to even find out who you are? After all, your parents carefully trained you to only display the side of you that was acceptable to them. You were shaped by your parents as though you were a tabula rasa, a blank slate waiting to be written on. The only truth you know about yourself is what you have been trained to believe, which is really that you are a disgusting, vile person who deserves punishment.

What if God was a behaviorist? This is how the Garden of Eden would have looked: God would have told Adam and Eve that if they touched the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, then he would spank them hard enough to really hurt. He would have used fear of punishment to keep Adam and Eve away from something that would, indeed, harm them and the entire human race. Would it have worked? More than likely. But God gave man free will. He wanted man to follow Him by choice; not because he was forced to. He wanted man to be internally motivated to choose Him; not externally.

Forgive me if I am making too great a leap, but I suspect that many Christian children grow into adults who, believing their very selves to be evil, hide those selves, failing to realize that God designed their unique personalities. At the cross, he freed them from the influence of sin, thus enabling them to freely express their true selves, which are not, and never were, evil.

As Christian parents, it is our challenge to discover who the unique person God created our child to be is; to awaken the core of them, to inspire them to be who they are free of shame. Yes, we call sin sin. Yes, we teach our children God's law. But we do not label our children as evil; we do not teach them to hide themselves in fear of retribution, as though they are somehow too ugly for us to accept free of charge. We do not teach them to cower in shame whey the do wrong, because, indeed, Jesus has died for them, to redeem and restore them. God, after all, made no mistakes when He created them as the individuals that they are; punishment instills a child with a deep sense of shame and a desire to hide any part of her/himself that may be unacceptable. Perhaps, if our children grow up without shame, they will more freely express themselves in a multitude of ways that bring glory to the God whom they represent and reflect.

What Do They Really Think?

2011-07-16T09:06:00.000-07:00

Children receive a very clear message when they receive corporal punishment, but it is usually not the message their parents intend. I asked several women what they remembered about being spanked; here are their thoughts and stories:

"I was three or four years old. After putting me to bed, my parents were sitting in the livingroom where they were untangling and testing several strings of Christmas lights to put up on the house. Of course, I found this fascinating; the sparkly lights seemed to call to me. I found excuse after excuse to come out of my bedroom. Eventually, my parents spanked me and sent me to bed with the threat that I'd get more spankings if I came out. I was crushed. I felt misunderstood. I was too excited to sleep but they didn't care. I stayed in my room but the resentment stewed. The next day I took it all out on anyone and everyone who couldn't strike back--my baby sister, the dog, the children at preschool. I became a bully."

"After the spanking was over, my parents would hold me. I remember being terrified, humiliated, and scared to do anything that would displease them in the least, lest the nightmare repeat itself. I would sit in their laps and pretend I was sorry. I learned that tears of "repentance" really made them happy. I became a fake repenter. I felt bad about what I had done, don't get me wrong. I even wished I had not done it. But not because it was wrong.. But because with the punishment came the terror of shame. The sick feeling of worthlessness, and a total and complete failure as a person."

"I remember feelin scared. Ashamed. Unloved. I remember the feeling of anger and resentment towards my parents. My mom would stop on the side of the road and "cut a switch(spelling wrong I'm sure)" and carry it with us in the van if we were acting up. And I don't remember what the "acting up" consisted of either. But I rememeber the anger from her. And the hate in her voice. I felt unsecure and worried about my next move."

"I always vowed to "get them back", I don't remember if I actually did anything, but I was very angry. The last time I was spanked, I screamed so loud that the neighbors came over to see if everything was OK. I had warned them that I would do it. They didn't spank me that hard, but it made me very angry. I don't think my younger brother or sister were spanked much after that either. I must just add that I have wonderful parents who love me very much, they just didn't know what else to do. (I was very difficult)."

"I was never a violent child. At all. But when my mom spanked me I wanted to get a knife and stab her in the chest. I wanted to bite her in the face and spit a chunk of her flesh back at her. I remember feeling somewhat good inside when other kids would misbehave and get spanked. I wasn't the only one. I felt like I wanted to dominate younger children at times due to it. I had been subdued and dominated, I needed to unleash that on someone else or it would consume me from the inside. When I got older and babysat other children I was terrified when I realized the anger that had been building up inside of me all those years. I was able to control myself and I never hit a child in my care. As an adult, I had to work through all those things and release them in a way that would not hurt others."

"I once told my sister, as we were in our room waiting for our parents to come up with the wooden spoon, not to cry when they spanked her. "If you cry, it means they win," my young self told her. That is the dynamic spanking creates: Us versus Them. Don't let them win. Don't let them break you."

Here is a telling testimony from as former spanker, Claire. I have included a link to an insightful blog she and a few other women write in, where you will find more stories and thoughts on gentle discipline:

"I smacked my son's hand a number of times before I moved to GD. I would smack him, he would cry, I would cuddle him. When he had calmed down enough he would say, 'Don't hit me Mummy'. Not Sorry I drew on the wall or I won't scratch my sister again. There was no connection in his mind between the offense and the punishment, he just knew he had been violated by someone he should be able to trust

Also, at other times, he would do the same thing again, experimenting to see if he got the same reaction - it wasn't much of a deterrent even though it was painful. Part of me knew that was normal 2yo behaviour - in fact that sort of determined experimentation is GOOD - and I shouldn't have to hurt my child over and over again for being 2..." http://greenegem.wordpress.com/

If you use punishment to train your child, I encourage you to take a long, hard look at your method. Ask your child how spankings make him/her feel, promising that you will not punish him or her for being honest. Look into your child's eyes: Is he afraid of you? Is she angry/hurt/wounded? Ask yourself: am I treating my child the way God treats me?

Lock 'Em Up, Throw Away the Key

2011-07-08T16:27:00.000-07:00

I am excited to address in detail some of the topics I touched on in my last post. I think that this true story may give some mommies insight into the impact of spankings on some children. All children are different; some are more sensitive than others. In future posts, I plan to share some testimonies from people with different personalities as to how spankings impacted them inwardly.

Once there was a little girl who very consistently received spankings, ones that even she would've said she deserved. A spanking was the penalty for any infraction, minor or major. The little girl's parents felt that the spankings were highly effective. After all, their little girl was a model of perfect behavior. She was cheerful most of the time, she worked hard to help her mom around the house, she was quick to obey any directive her parents gave her.

The little girl's parents were careful not to spank in anger. They followed a procedure of talking to the little girl before and after each spanking. The little girl always seemed so repentant before the spanking. After the spanking, she appeared to be relieved of a heavy burden of guilt that she had been carrying.

The little girl grew up to be an excellent teenager. She was easy to get along with and quick to please. She was upheld in her church as a model of good behavior for younger girls.

Though on the outside this little girl was a model daughter, on the inside things were different. You see, spankings taught this girl a very important lesson: as long as you conceal all sin and human weakness, including negative emotions, you will be acceptable and valued, and you will escape punishment.

The little girl's parents understood that all humans are born sinners who are unable to make themselves better. They thought that by spanking the little girl they were teaching her that sin has consequences. They thought that by teaching her to immediately and cheerfully obey all parental directives, they were teaching her to trust and obey God. What they didn't know was that many times, the little girl did wrong because she was impulsive. They didn't know that she longed for the opportunity, time and again, to simply admit her wrong and be forgiven. They thought it was funny when once, she attempted to spank herself hard, in order to avoid punishment. They didn't know that many times, as this little girl was spanked, she felt humiliated and angry. She often wanted to turn around and scream at her parents. At other times, she would spend the entire spanking hating herself, wondering how God could ever love someone as wretched and horrible as she, wondering what she could ever do to make God love her; to get on His good side; after all, look what her parents required of her when she sinned! Yes, she knew about Jesus, but it seemed that she was too horrible for His death to be sufficient for her. The little girl was relieved after the spanking was over, not because the burden of guilt had been lifted, but because she knew that, an hour or so after the spanking, her parents would once again smile at her and accept her; she knew that they would then require no "payment" from her for her sins. Each time she was spanked, she would vow to behave better.

As the little girl grew older, she put her trust in Jesus, believing that He had paid her sin debt. Each time she was spanked or punished, she went running to God with her guilt-feelings. She began to see Him as a refuge, as One who forgave her right away, no payment required. She ran to Him when she felt unacceptable. But she hid her true self from her parents. When she was angry or hurt during a spanking, or when she was angry at watching one of her siblings get spanked, she ran to God with her anger, mentally declaring, "At least YOU love me!" or "Please avenge my sibling!" So, in a sense, spankings drove this girl to God, but in a different way than her parents intended. As an adult, this little girl struggled to reconcile a God who on the one hand was so good, a refuge for the hurting, with a God who required that childish misbehavior be punished although Jesus had already paid these children's sin debt. Sometimes, she did not even want to read her Bible, for fear that God would suddenly turn on her, declaring that she was unacceptable, declaring that she must be punished.

As a teen, this girl hated to be called "sweet" or a "role-model." She knew that in her heart she was imperfect, weak, sinful. She was terrified that those who put her on a pedestal would one day be disappointed in her when they found out she wasn't her they thought she was. She hated herself. She often wanted to rebel to escape from the pressure.

When the girl entered college, she did not know who she was. She was terrified of any authority figure, whether pastor or professor. She did as she was told without questioning. As she progressed through college, she began to realize that she was an equal to others, that she could indeed question those in "authority" over her. This led her to question many things that she had been taught as a child. She began to feel free as she realized that she was a person, capable of thinking for herself, of standing up for herself.

You see, spankings taught this little girl to hide her true self, to exhibit perfection. They taught her that to be acceptable, she must never be negative, never be disobedient, never question authority. She knew that she must never tell her parents how spankings made her feel. She knew that after a spanking, she should act repentant and remorseful, but she also knew that she shouldn't cry for too long or sound angry when she cried after a spanking, or that would be reason for another round.

Essentially, the little girl learned to lock up the parts of her that were wrong and messed up. She learned how to act in order to avoid punishment, keeping her inner prison cell locked, the key forever lost. Wouldn't anyone, adult or child, respond this way to punishment? The very purpose of punishment is to create feelings of fear in a child so as to keep them behaving in a certain way. My husband recently told me that dogs who are hit with a stick as a training method often either become excessively compliant, timid, and fearful, or suddenly turn on their owners in anger.

Is this really what God requires of Christian parents? Is this how He treats His children? In Jesus, He provided a cleanser, a healer, a just escape from the payment we all owe for our sins. He did not want us to have to bear a load of sin and guilt. He did not exact penance from us.

I cuddle my daughter and thank God that I do not have to load her with feelings of guilt and fear as I nurture her into adulthood. I smile when my son cheerfully exclaims, "Thankyou, mommy," or "Okay, mommy," because I know that his words express genuine feelings: these are things I have never forced him to say to me. I am thankful that my son can tell me, "I am sad," or "I don't like it when you say/do that, mommy," or even scream in frustration without fear of reprisal. I welcome any chance to tell my son, "Aydon, Jesus died to pay for your sins. He loves you so very much!" I am convicted that I need to pray without ceasing because I know that it will be God's spirit who woos and convicts my son, not me.

I read this verse with tears in my eyes, thankful for a compassionate God:

Psalm 103:10-14 he does not treat us as our sins deserve or repay us according to our iniquities. for as high as the heavens are above the earth, so great is his love for those who fear him;as far as the east is from the west, so far has he removed our transgressions from us.As a father has compassion on his children, so the LORD has compassion on those who fear him;for he knows how we are formed, he remembers that we are dust

Hodge Podge

2011-07-04T15:15:00.000-07:00

My thoughts have been scattered lately. Here are some of them:

Yesterday, I was frustrated by this thought: Many Christian children end up with bruised bottoms after they receive spankings. Sometimes, the bruises turn purple. I remember the use of a switch being touted because it left no marks while inflicting a great deal of pain. The same Christian parents who feel that they are following God's commands when their children are spanked hard enough to leave bruises would be upset if they saw a child in the grocery store or at the park with bruises on their arms, legs or face that appear to have been inflicted by a parent. These parents would call those bruises signs of abuse. What if these bruises were on a child's back? Again, these parents would probably worry that the child with back bruises was abused. Yet, the literal command in the Proverbs is to beat a child (actually, a teenage boy) on his back. Nowhere in the Bible is the bottom advocated as a place to strike a child. (Neither is striking a small child biblical, but that is beside the point here.) I wish Christian parents would wake up and realize that there is no difference between a bruise or a welt on a child's bottom as opposed to a bruise or a welt on a child's arms or legs. It makes no difference whether the parent was spanking in anger or as seemingly justifiable punishment, the results to the child are the same. In fact, children who are spanked because they have done wrong wallow in shame and feelings of self-loathing and self-hatred long after the spanking ends. God is not the author of this treatment!!! Please, parents, study your Bibles! God does not command us to spank our little children.

At the same time as I have been pondering spanking, I have also been pondering permissive parenting. I read a very wise warning recently. In summary: if we let our children act in some manner that we don't approve of, and ignore their behavior, hoping it will just go away, we actually make our children insecure! This is because children are excellent at reading our nonverbal cues (tension, frustration), and they see that while we don't like what they are doing, we are allowing them to continue in that behavior. They leap to the conclusion that we don't like them. This really made sense to me--I have seen many children raised in permissive homes who are incredibly insecure, wondering constantly if their parents love them.

I heard a sermon recently that I disagreed with . The preacher taught that the reason we as Christians should avoid sin is because of the gruesome consequences of said sin. This preacher overlooked the teaching in Romans 6 that we do not sin because we have been crucified with Christ and have a new nature, because we are dead to sin (though we can still choose to live in it). When we as Christians encounter sin, we are to realize that we are dead to sin; sin has no power over us. We are to stand in our co-crucifixion with Christ, and the Holy Spirit will empower our new nature to do right. I was frustrated with the sermon mostly because consequences really only make us avoid outward sin. What about the hidden sins of the heart? Sins that we can cover up and pretend to not have? Sins like murderous anger, greed, jealousy? God's solution to sin was to make us new, to give us the Holy Spirit, to remove sin's power over us. God deals with the heart. I see how Christian parenting has been influenced by wrong thinking about why we don't sin. Christian parents are taught that if they can give their children enough fear of the consequences of sin, then their children won't sin. Children who are raised this way often become prideful because they do not engage in outward sinful behaviors. They often do not see their need for God to work in their hearts, to deal with their inward sins. We need to teach our children right and wrong. When they cannot control themselves, we need to walk beside them and help them to do right, to instill in them that there is a right and a wrong. We need to let God's spirit work on their hearts as they grow older, convicting them of inner as well as outer sin, leading them to a genuine understanding of their need for a Savior!

Growing Up Should Be Messy

2011-06-13T21:06:00.000-07:00

My sweet little Aydon stops his trike in the hall in front of the kitchen and proudly announces: "Mommy, I stopped! I'm not coming in there, I'm not!"

"Thank you, Aydon! I am so proud of you!"

Just a few days before, my husband told him that he could not drive his tricycle into the kitchen. He was very upset, and yelled "No!" I made the mistake of asking him to try again: he looked at me with a puzzled look, and then yelled again, "No!" Oops! I didn't mean try saying "no" again, Aydon, I meant tell mommy that you are mad instead of yelling no.

Hubby and I are not afraid to let our little guy express his feelings, though compliance is not an option. This makes growing up seem quite messy at times, but then I remember that God is willing to daily deal with us and all the messiness we create: and He always embraces us with grace.

And then there are those little moments where we can see gentle discipline pays off: like little man beaming that he had exercised self-control and had not entered the kitchen.

I have had to get off my butt a lot lately! My husband is away on a mission trip, and my youngest brother, almost 10, is staying with us. Aydon had a hard time sharing toys and playing cooperatively at first. Enter comfort corner: a space where Aydon goes to take a break until he is ready to treat my brother with kindness. This is not a place of punishment, though at times I have had to pick up little man and carry him to his comfort corner. Sometimes, I sit in this spot with him, talking to him, encouraging and exhorting him (not lecturing) once he has calmed down to use words instead of force, to tell uncle what he is worried about, to make amends.

It was hard to get off my butt, and make sure that little man was not grabbing toys out of my brother's hands, or yelling at him, especially because that meant setting baby down for brief moments, or interrupting my chores. Often, I saw that the root of little man's behavior was anxiety: what if my brother hurt his toys? when will daddy come home?

I have watched little man blossom in many ways this week. He asks before he grabs toys from my brother. He offers to share with him. He asks before he uses my brother's toys. This blossoming did not look pretty; it meant many times of letting out anger and frustration in the comfort corner. It meant that I repeated myself and enforced boundaries ad nauseum. It also meant that I had to rely on God for an extra dose of patience and love. Little man is certainly not perfect, and many times each day I have to remind myself that I am not working to make a perfect child; my job is to guide, to teach, to shepherd, to model Christ to my child so that one day he will embrace this Jesus as his savior.

The Lorax

2011-05-16T12:32:00.000-07:00

Aydon: "Mommy, please can I have chocolate chips?"

Mommy: "First you need to get the Lorax (stuffed, library reading buddy that was supposed to be returned later in the day), and bring him downstairs."

Aydon: "No, I don't want to. (lying down on floor) I want chocolate chips."

Mommy: (growing confused and slightly exasperated... you see, this conversation had already been repeated several times...Mommy was not sure why it was so hard to understand that the Lorax needed to be fetched BEFORE Aydon would receive a few token pieces of chocolate--This chocolate was not a reward, either, it was something little man received in very moderate amounts every now and then) "I already told you that you have to get the Lorax first."

Aydon: (still lying on floor) "You go get it for me, mommy."

Mommy: "If mommy gets the Lorax for you, then you won't get to have your chocolate chips. Mommy said if you want chocolate chips you have to get the Lorax first."

Aydon: "No. I don't want to. Mommy, I want chocolate chips."

Mommy: (peering towards heaven) "Dear God. I am running out of patience here. Is there something wrong with little man's understanding of this situation? Am I asking too much of him? Please, give me wisdom!"

Brief Interlude

Mommy remembers that parenting by grace means sometimes making a genuine, kind offer to help the child when the child feels too week to comply. Mommy is still confused, but decides to act with tenderness toward her perplexing offspring.

Mommy: "Aydon, how about I hold your hand and we go upstairs to get the Lorax together? You will still have to carry it, but I will be right there with you."

Aydon: "Ok, mommy! Thanks!" (stands up, holds out his hand to be held, allows his mommy to lead him up the stairs)

Mommy: (slightly shocked by change in attitude) after mommy and aydon reach the top of the stairs: "Ok, go get the Lorax and let's bring him downstairs. He is soft, so you can even throw him down the stairs if you would like to."

Aydon: (sweet, sad eyes peering up at mommy) "Mommy, I don't want the Lorax to go back to the library. Why can't he stay here with us?"

Mommy: (holding back tears of dawning understanding) "Aydon, you are sad that the Lorax has to go back. Is that why you didn't want to get him?"

Aydon: "Yes, mommy. I don't want him to go back."

This incident happened just a few days ago, but it continues to replay in my mind, especially when I am feeling exasperated at my child for not quickly doing what I ask! I realized through it that my little boy is so complex, even though so small. When he does not want to comply, there is almost always a good reason why. As a mommy, if I am willing to get to know my child, to cultivate relationship with him, to "help" him when he is unable to comply, I know that I will be amazed at the depth and intricacy of his emotions as he reveals them, trustingly, to me. I am finding that each time my precious eldest child has a hard time doing what I ask, that I, as I exercise patience and understanding, will only grow to love him more (and I am sure that this will be true with my daughter as well).

I am reminded of the compassion with which Jesus addressed crowds of unruly, unrepentant people. I am reminded of how he tenderly called them "sheep without a shepherd." I am reminded of how he sacrificially offered himself on their behalf, willing to go the extra mile to reach them, knowing that they could not help themselves, probing the depths of their hearts. May we always allow the Lord Jesus to be our guide and constant companion, the tender gardener and gentle shepherd of our mommy-hearts!

"Blatant Disobedience"

2011-03-29T14:13:00.000-07:00

I would like to announce, first of all, the arrival of our little baby girl, Emma Grace, born March 16, 6 pounds 3 ounces. I will post her birth story soon.

I had an excellent question from someone regarding my last post, and I wanted to spend some time answering it here. Here is the question: "If I could ask a question, what do you do when he blatantly disobeys, ie, runs the opposite way (or towards the street as happened yesterday) when told to come?" I love dialoguing with other mommies, so thank you for this question!

First off, I think that we as believing parents have been misled by many Christian teachers to believe that our children are not turning out unless, at the tender toddler/preschool years, they are "obeying" all of our directives. The reason I find this misconception frustrating is that the Bible urges children to obey their parents (Ephesians). When the Bible tells children to obey their parents, it tells them to obey their parents in the Lord. So, this command was written directly to children who are old enough to understand what it means, and furthermore, it was written to children who could obey "in the Lord," indicating that the children being addressed are believers. This command is not addressed to parents, or it would read as follows, "Parents, be sure that in all things your children obey you." When parents are taught that they should force their little children to obey them, it reminds me of men who are taught that since the Bible urges wives to submit, it is their God-given job to force their wives to submit to them! So, all that to say, our toddlers and preschoolers are in a learning phase...I believe that it is our job to teach them what obedience means on a day-to-day basis; to cultivate relationship with them that will invite obedience; however, I do not believe that we must require our tiny tots to obey us, or else.

So how does this play out practically? It means that, first of all, we stop seeing absolute obedience from our little ones as a requirement from them. Instead, we walk them through what we ask them to do, teaching them actively how to obey us. I don't want my little guy to run into the street, either, so I have done several things: always remain near him when I can tell he is distracted and may bolt across the street, playing a "stop!" game with him so that when he hears me say, "Aydon, stop!", he stops, teaching him a healthy fear of cars running into him by talking, talking, talking, teaching him to ask me before he does something. I really feel that when we issue some sort of "command" to our tots, we should be right next to them to enforce our command so that words have meaning, and obedience occurs, but in a proactive way, rather than a reactive way. A toddler will remember not to do something much better if we stop them in the act, then if we punish them afterward. One way, the focus is on the behavior we want to teach, the other way the focus is on the child's failure. Toddlers and preschoolers are just so impulsive. Requiring them to obey us and then punishing them when they don't, in my opinion, sets them up for failure; they will not always "obey" us, and when they get punished for not doing so, it makes them feel hopeless or angry.

Another thing I think about is how God deals with us. I wish more parenting experts would teach parenting from this perspective. God invites us to obey Him through relationship, not through fear of punishment. He gives us the Holy Spirit, who empowers us to obey Him; He does not expect us to obey Him because a)we are afraid of what He will do to us if we don't or b) because we are obeying Him out of a sense of duty or obligation. He gives us the strength and the means to obey Him; He invites us to obey Him because of His great love for us.

So, do I require my little guy to "obey" me, or else? No. I view myself as his teacher, guiding him and helping him to obey. He is impulsive, he lacks logic, he lacks impulse control. So, when I require something of him, I am on hand to "help" him or to stop him from doing something I asked him not to do. Often heard in our house: "You need to pick up that cup." If he refuses: "Can you pick it up by yourself, or do you need help?" If he still refuses, "Mommy is going to help you," and then I get behind him, hold him in a safe bear hug, and "help" him comply. In this way, I am teaching him how to obey, and helping him to obey when he does not have the strength. I am being proactive, so the focus is not on him and what he did wrong, but rather on "this is how we obey." This is a lot of work, but to me it is sooooo worth it! Often, if he is not tired or hungry, little man happily complies with my requests. Sometimes, he needs help, and that is all right! How many times am I sending up a prayer, asking God to give me the strength to do what He is asking me to do?

I hope that this answers your question! I'd love to continue to hear any and all thoughts that you, my readers, have on these matters! I am so not perfect, just happy to parent in this way that keeps relationship with my child intact, and that teaches him who God is, and how He relates to us.

So Thankful

2011-03-02T19:02:00.000-08:00

I read this blog post by Sally Clarkson recently, and was so blessed and encouraged by it: http://www.itakejoy.com/first-time-obedience-really/. I love that she is an experienced mom who calls for us to be tender and loving and gracious with our children. I also love it that she has the full support of her husband.

My husband and I were talking about how wonderful it is to be able to parent our son in a non-adversarial, non-punitive way. We were laughing because our little guy has a real stubborn streak. I cannot imagine the awful battles of will that we would have to go through to "force" our son to obey us. Since we are on his team, we do not dread those times when we have to follow through with what we say. Here is an example: Little man was sitting at the table eating crackers beside his dad. He began to play with the crackers, breaking them into pieces. Suddenly, on a whim, he threw the pieces on the floor. "Uh-oh," said my husband, "we have to clean those up. When we make messes, we have to clean them up." My son's reply? "No! I don't want to. That makes me sad!" "Well," continued my husband, "I know it makes you sad, but we have to clean up messes when we make them. Would you like some help?" Little man at this point dug in his heals, refusing to budge from his chair. I walked over to him, picked him up out of his chair, and sat down with him on the floor beside the cracker pieces. I reiterated what my hubby had said about cleaning up our messes. At this point, little man threw a fit. I rubbed his back and held him. The fit lasted only a few seconds, and then little man sat up, and cheerfully began picking up all the pieces, handing them to his daddy, happy to comply. In the process of us helping Aydon to do what we said, none of us lost our dignity. We had no regrets as parents, because we did not lash out punitively at our son, neither did we back down. Aydon was able to decide to comply; he was not forced or backed into a corner (though he did have no choice, we were right there beside him, supporting him the whole way).

I cannot help but imagine this same incident if we were parenting "with the rod." I am quite certain that little man would do anything but comply if he felt that he was being forced to do something, or else. I cannot imagine the heartache and regret that we would feel after hitting him, harder and harder to try to force compliance. And in the process of trying to force little man to "obey" us, we would be provoking him to anger, something that fathers (and mothers) are commanded not to do in scripture.

Words cannot express how thankful I am for the multitude of ways in which God led us away from punitive parenting. It might take a little extra time to "help" little man comply with our requests, but it is worth more than gold to be able to remain on his team, to treat him with grace.

Peace that Passes Understanding

2011-02-22T18:06:00.000-08:00

It has been way too long since I last blogged. Baby is coming at the end of March, and we have been trying to prepare for this birth. My plan was to have a VBAC at the local birthing center, but they are understaffed, and at 32 weeks, they told me I could not birth the baby there. That led to a search for a midwife who could do a home birth on such short notice--and, praise God, we found one. So now we are in the process of buying all the items we will need for the birth.

Today was one of those days where I felt like a train that got derailed, and I did not know how to get back on the track. Little man is having allergies right now, and that makes him wake up early in the morning. Things were going well, but then little man and I missed our nap. Enter numerous rough and "squirrely" behaviors from little man. He wants to tackle and wrestle mommy. On days like today, he is apt to do anything I tell him not to do, unless I am standing right beside him to enforce what I say; I am a terrible get-off-my-but momma when I am tired. By this evening, I felt like I was going to pull my hair out. Numerous thoughts began to nag at me: "I am such a bad mom!! Look at how he is acting!" and "I can't handle this anymore. I just want to crawl into a hole and cry. Do I really have to cook supper and wash the dishes?? How on earth am I going to manage that?!"

I told my husband how I was feeling, and he reminded me that most days he feels like he is falling apart too, and that all we can really do is to trust God. Honestly, that was the last thing I wanted to do at the end of this crazy day. I often worry that God is the one who is putting all those nagging, self-loathing thoughts in my head. I am afraid that he is going to "flog" me somehow, remind me that I am a failure, get onto me for not trusting Him sooner. But, I was at the end of my abilities, and I had no one to lean on but God. It is amazing what happens when we turn to Him! He really is the best example of the best parent out there! When I turned to him, the first thing that happened? Weight fell off of my shoulders. I had a sense of calmness, of peace. It was as if my Father were hugging me, telling me everything would be ok.

After I calmed down, rested in my Father's unconditional love, a new understanding of my little guy emerged. Compassion replaced frustration. My Father in heaven, rather than berating me for not following through like I should, or for not being the momma that I should be, welcomed me into his arms with tenderness and forgiveness. And I am an adult; I should know better than to live disconnected from God, my life-source, for a minute, let alone a whole day! But God does not berate me when I fail, he beckons me closer to Him. And here I was, frustrated with my tiny, immature three-year old, for not controlling himself better when I had been spending hours steeped in attitudes and patterns of thinking that were not from God but from my flesh: I was allowing sin to control me. For the first time, I really saw my poor little guy; he was so tired! I stooped down on his level, gave him a hug, and told him that I loved him. I explained to him that I needed to do dishes while he played with his toys, and then we were going to read a lot of stories together. He beamed through those exhausted eyes of his. Why hadn't I noticed them before? Now he is peacefully asleep, and all seems well with the world.

I wonder why it takes me so long to trust God sometimes? I am often afraid that before He invites me back into fellowship with Him, I will have to pay some sort of penance; that I will have to somehow suffer shame. And yet, His word clearly states that when I live in sin, I simply need confess, and He is faithful and just to forgive. I hope that my little guy experiences this sort of grace from me as he grows into maturity; that he never thinks he must suffer before he can be in "fellowship" with me again! I know that for that to happen, I need my heavenly Father to love through me; I would be a crappy momma without Him, that is for sure.

Parenting 101

2011-02-02T18:31:00.000-08:00

Little man has recently begun exhibiting an incredible amount of independence. While this is a good thing, and it is part of growing up, it can be unpleasant at times. Especially when he decides that he absolutely will not do something that we have asked him to do, or absolutely must do something that we have asked him not to do. I feel like I am in Parenting 101 all over again, but I am, believe it or not, actually enjoying being a student, because I know that I will learn so much through this.

First of all, this new level of independence is teaching me that I must always be quick on my feet! If I am going to say "no" about something, I need to be right beside little man when I say it, so as to enforce the no (usually by holding a little hand and remaining calm when he shouts "NO!" back). If I am going to ask little man to do something, then I need to be right beside him with this offer: "Can you do it by yourself, or do you need me to help you?" I am learning that being quick on my feet does pay off...little man realizes that my words do have meaning, even though he may not like them.

I am also learning humility. Like today, when we were in line at a fast-food restaurant, and little man decided he wanted to eat dessert rather than a meal. Of course, the answer was, "no, only a meal today." Boy was I surprised when my formerly mellow little guy began to shriek, "No! I want cake!" Solution for me? "Eat humble pie, you are parenting before God and not before man." So, I stepped out of line and removed little man to a quiet area. I hugged him and told him that I loved him. I said simply, "you need to sit here (beside me) until you are ready to listen to mommy." When he calmed down, I gave him a simple choice: "Eat a meal here at the restaurant, or go home. No dessert." He chose option A, of course, and was such a happy, peaceful little guy as we returned to the line. I am so happy, yes HAPPY, for this incident. Every time I parent through the eyes of grace, I relax a little more into my Heavenly Father's love for me. I am so thankful that He deals gently with me so that I can deal gently with my child.

I love being on my little guys' team like this! Yes, I am the authority in his life, and sometimes that means that I will say no if something is unhealthy. Yes, little man needs to learn how to calmly respond to mommy if he doesn't like something she is telling him. We have lots of do-overs and practice daily, with me often asking little man, "how can you say that more nicely?" and then supplying him with an example if necessary. But I AM on his team. He need not fear harsh retribution when he acts childishly. I can see that he will be a strong man someday, able to stand by his own beliefs, no matter what others say or do. This is something I want to nurture and guide in the right direction. I can see that little man has just realized that he is his own person, separate from me, with desires that sometimes differ from mine. Now he is in the sometimes no-fun place of learning that he is under authority. May God give me and his daddy wisdom as we nurture and guide this precious little one; how I love being in His classroom!

Attached Parenting

2011-01-29T12:37:00.000-08:00

Ten weeks to go until the expected arrival of baby number 2. I am so excited to meet this new little one! Realizing that a new baby is coming has made me reflect on my journey into attachment parenting.

When I became pregnant with Aydon (who is now almost three!!), I had no idea how I was going to raise him. I had a lot of church friends who sang the praises of a book entitled Babywise by Gary Ezzo. I quickly bought into the myth that a baby could easily destroy my marriage unless I made it sleep in a room by itself. Crying-it-out made good sense to me (now I shudder at the thought). The way CIO is described by Ezzo makes the whole process of "sleep training" seem so logical, practical, matter of fact.

But God had a different way with babies in mind for my husband and I. First of all, Aydon arrived quite unexpectedly at 32 weeks by emergency c-section. He spent the next six weeks in the hospital. I pumped milk for him, but I yearned to nurse him at my breast. When he came home, I struggled for weeks to move him from bottle (with my expressed milk) to breast feeding. God is good: once Aydon learned to breastfeed he did not stop until he was almost two and a half years old! I remember Aydon's first visit to his pediatrician, who looked at us sternly and said, "Let him nurse whenever he wants, for as long as he wants, as much as he wants." I remember breathing a sigh of relief...how nice it was to follow my instincts and to meet my little guy's needs, without worrying about some sort of legalistic "schedule" that I would have to keep him on!

On top of this, Aydon came home with an apnea monitor. It made sense to have him sleeping near us, in case something happens. I found it so comforting to have him nearby, hearing his breathing throughout the night.

I couldn't shake all of the Babywise ideas, though. I was convinced that if we didn't force our little guy to cry to sleep, he would never sleep on his own. Thankfully, the second time I tried laying Aydon down to fuss and cry to sleep, my husband said, "We are not going to do that. He is too little to understand what is happening." Thank God for my husband.

About this time, some of our friends stopped by, and brought me a gift: The Baby Book, by Dr. Sears. Waves of relief and freedom washed over me as I read the pages of this book. Overall, I gleaned from the pages that moms and dads had natural instincts that, when followed and listened to, would drive them to be good parents (such as, when baby is crying, and you feel the urge to respond, do it!). The main thesis of the book was that if we build a strong foundation of trust with our infants, their bond with us will follow them throughout their growing up years. Now THIS reminded me of how God deals with us, His children: He draws us to trust Him; He builds a foundation of relationship with us; He always answers our cries for help; He is always available to us; He never leaves us or abandons us.

For a long time, Aydon slept in a little bed beside ours. Once, we were on a trip to visit my husband's parents. It was deathly cold at night, and our little man woke every hour, freezing cold. My husband leaned over to me and whispered, "Just let him sleep in bed with us." Once again, I felt immense relief. We all slept so well that night that Aydon hasn't left our bed fully yet!

Our almost three year old is not a spoiled-rotten brat. He has grown from being very attached into having a healthy amount of independence for a two-year-old. While he is somewhat introverted, he knows how to smile and greet others with a "hi." He sleeps the first half of the night on a little mattress by our bed, by himself. When he wakes, he crawls into bed with us, quickly falling back to sleep. Some nights, I do not even remember him waking and crawling into our bed! He is weaned, though I would have nothing against him still nursing. Weaning was a beautiful, natural process. I was four months pregnant, and was producing very little milk. Aydon was only nursing at bedtime and naptime. I gently taught him to fall asleep with cuddles at naptime by telling him he could nurse for a few minutes, and then we would cuddle. At bedtime, I nursed him till he was almost asleep, then lay beside him, snuggling, until he drifted into dreamland. Soon, we moved to mere cuddles to fall asleep.

Has attachment parenting destroyed my marriage? NO! It has turned my husband and I into compassionate parents. When our little guy has trouble sleeping, we meet his needs, and we are a team. One night, I was somewhat frustrated by how long it had taken our son to fall asleep: my husband looked at me and said, "Well, he is just like us. Some nights it is harder to fall asleep than others." We have plenty of time to enjoy our marriage, and knowing that we both believe in being responsive to our son, helps me to relax and have fun during our time together. Enough said, there. :-)

Being an attached parent is wonderful, and I wanted to describe it here so that I will not forget our wonderful journey into attachment parenting.

Thanks For Hanging in There for My Vent

2011-01-25T18:33:00.000-08:00

I have always wanted to be gracious towards other parents, and as I was rereading my former post, I realize that it was more of a vent than an encouragement! Hopefully I didn't hurt or offend anyone.

God has really just been humbling me lately as a parent, and showing me how much I NEED HIM! My little guy missed his nap today, and we went grocery shopping instead....not always a smart idea. He did great, but when we got home, he was a bit stare crazy so I took him to the park at our apartments. He rode his tricycle as usual, and we were doing fine until we were on our way home, in the parking lot, and a car needed to back up. I told my little guy, "Uh, oh, car backing up, we need to move!" and he did not budge. Instead, he said, "no, it's not!" Yes, this is little man. He is very much like his daddy. Don't ask him to do something if he does not feel that there is a logical reason to do it. :-) I realized this recently, and I have started to rephrase my requests to "You need to, or mommy will help you," rather than giving him an explanation right then. Anyways, long story short, little man dug in his heals until I was forced to pick up him and his trike and move him to the side of the parking lot...and a massive fit ensued. Yes, for the whole apartments to see... I sat in the grass with him and held him while the fit went on and on and on...not at all typical behavior for my little guy.

Public fits really bring out the humanity in me. I was embarrassed and so tempted to be harsh and punitive. I did not look to God for help as I should have. The fit finally slowed and I told my son, "Listen to mommy first, and when you are not mad, we can return to your trike." He finally decided to listen, and calmed himself. I talked with him about how important it is to listen to me because I love him and am trying to take care of him...I wonder how much he really understood, because when I since looked back on the situation, I saw a myriad of factors that affected my son's behavior: lack of sleep, hunger, fear of losing his trike, fear of his big feelings. I do not regret standing my ground, but I wish that I would have in a gentler spirit, trusting God, instead of worrying about the neighbors. Initially, I tried to reason with my tired tot to get him to move out of the way; in retrospect, I should have said, firmly and kindly, "You need to move now, or else mommy will pick you up and move you," and followed through...we might have avoided what turned into a "showdown", adversarial type situation. Ugh, sometimes I hate the way I handle things. To make matters worse, kids are SO forgiving, so quick to go back to loving their mommies and daddies after rocky times.

I just realize how important it is for me to be gracious towards other mommies! God always uses little situations like tonight to humble me, to keep me from being judgmental, and to remind me to rest in His strength, to trust in His guidance.

The Prodigal Son

2011-01-19T18:02:00.000-08:00

I am so frustrated! I heard the argument recently from another mom as to why we should spank. It went something like this: "It's not child abuse! You take the child into the room, explain to them their offense, and then spank them."

If I would have been quicker on my feet, I might have asked her the following: "If a man beats/hits his wife, that is abuse, right? (rhetorical answer, yes) If a man brings his wife into the room, explains to her her offense, and then hits her on her bottom until she cries remorsefully, is that abuse? (rhetorical answer, yes) What if the woman isn't submitting to her husband like God tells her to, and that is why he is bringing her into the room? Is it still abuse for him to hit her? I mean, she deserves it, right? (rhetorical answer, yes, it is still abuse)"

How can we call an adult hitting another adult, even if the hitting is not done in anger, even if it is done with an explanation first, abuse, and yet say that when an adult hits a child a CERTAIN WAY, it is not abuse??? Furthermore, I would like to have asked, if spanking is biblical, then you should be following the following Proverb literally: "Beat your child with a rod and he shall not die...". We should have big heavy rods sitting around our house, and we should be beating our children with them. Oh, wait, nope, not our children, actually, our teenagers, because that is what is meant by the word child in this verse (na'ar). Where is the Biblical prescription that says we should take our children into their rooms, explain the offense, and then spank? Where is it??

Certainly, the Proverbs and all of Scripture speaks to parents being authorities in the lives of their children. It speaks to parents being actively involved in training and teaching and correcting (nurturing and admonishing) their children. We see that all hell breaks loose when children are raised with no parental involvement, with no parental intervention when they are doing wrong. As parents, we have a choice as to how we will intervene with our children. Will we intervene with grace, will we correct with gentleness and compassion? Can we teach our children right from wrong without physically or emotionally harming them?

I have been thinking about the story of the prodigal son, for that is a story that describes God as a father. The prodigal's father allowed his son to leave home and to live in sin. He was not permissive, though: he let his son experience the intrinsic consequences in the sin. He did not bail his son out of his problems. But he was always at home, waiting expectantly for his son to return. Was he waiting at home with a rod in hand? No! In fact, the prodigal son, upon his return home, wanted to repay his father for all his offenses. He wanted to work off his debt to his dad. He was willing to be a servant in his daddies house. But his dad welcomed him home: no shaming, no punishing. The son was still a son. The son had experienced the yuckiness of sin, and knew that life with his father was infinitely better.

Now this is a model for us parents! When our children choose to do wrong, we do not always shield them from the consequences for their sin, especially when they are older. For example, if they steal, they will need to return the stolen object, apologize, and perhaps work for/serve the person they stole from. But do they need to somehow "pay" God or us as parents back for their wrong by suffering? No! That is where grace comes in. We are the ones who should always be waiting for our children with open arms, eyes full of love, of grace. Our children should never feel that they will not be accepted by us after they do wrong until they first suffer. Trust me, if we teach them this, they will approach God in this way. They will be afraid of Him after they sin...they will wonder, "How hard of a spanking (we Christians translate this into trials) will I get for this one?" Let's model to our children who God is correctly! Let's look closely at the Bible to see how God really wants us to raise our children. Let's not parent out of fear, feeling that we must control our children, let's parent them with confidence, knowing that we are their authorities, but that does not give us permission to treat them any differently than God would call us to treat a fellow believer.

A Few Tools That Have Worked With Our Sweet Little Guy

2010-12-28T19:00:00.000-08:00

My little guy is a little older than 2.5. I have noticed that he seems to feel more content and secure when we do what we say. In order to always do what we say, we try to have very few boundaries. With our little guy, we do not want him throwing any toys except balls or stuffed animals, we do not want him to hit, bite, or kick us or others. Those are two of our main rules. We enforce them be being with our little guy, and by constant reminders and do-overs (not in a nag, nag way, just kind, and firm and consistent). We also redirect him to things that he CAN do. The other day, he picked up a car, and was about to throw it, then looked questioningly at us. "No, cars are not for throwing," I said firmly. He ran over and picked up another toy, looking at us again, his eyes saying, "what about this one?" "No, that toy is hard. It gives owies!" I replied, "But, you can throw your ball." A look of relief came into his eyes, and he said, "Where is it?" and trotted happily into the bedroom to retrieve it.

I also love routines, and so does my little guy. They help so much with behavior issues. For example, I limit TV and sweets. He is allowed a small sweet treat and 20-30 minutes of TV in the am when he wakes up, and the same thing in the pm after his nap. He loves this routine!! It keeps me from having to constantly be answering requests for more TV or more sweets all day, and it gives him something to look forward too. Routines are boundaries, but they also give kiddos something to look forward too. Oh, and we go to the park after I do dishes every day (being outdoors a ton lets out nervous energy too).

I also like to think of my words as "gold." They are so valuable, and if I mean what I say now, then it sets a foundation for my little guy's later years too. So, if I ask my son to do something, and he flat-out refuses, then I repeat, "You need to....". If he still refuses I say, "You need to..., or mommy will help you....". This is magical. Little man would prefer to do things on his own, to assert his independence, so 9 times out of 10, he chooses to do what I asked him on his own. If he does not, I pick him up immediately, and help him do what I asked. If he throws a fit, I will allow the fit some space (unless we are in the middle of the road, then I would move him to the side), and allow my little guy to calm down, and then we still follow through with what needs to be done. If he is tired, hungry, angry, lonely, then I do not request things of him, but deal with his needs first.

Another wonderful tool, is to give your little guy an exciting, beneficial-to-him reason to do something (this is not a bribe, as it is what we would do anyway, it just reminds him that something good is coming after he does what is not so fun--this motivates me too, with my household chores). My little man hates getting his diaper changed, but when he hears, "First get diaper changed, then we can go to the park," he is very quick to lie on the floor for me to change it. Or, if he won't wear his shoes, "Ok, no shoes! Then no playing outside," (said with empathy and kindness)...this takes patience, a willingness to wait for your child to decide on his own that he is ready to get his shoes on so that he can go play outside, etc.

GD means that we choose to parent with grace and empathy, to help our children, with gentleness, do what they need to do, to get down on their level and try to understand life from their perspective. It is far from permissive; it is a TON of work, because you cannot be a couch parent who yells out orders to your kids. If you say something, you need to be able to KINDLY and LOVINGLY enforce it. You have to be willing to endure tantrums and learn how best to soothe and encourage your child through the tantrum. You have to realize that you are parenting before God and not before others.

When I write things out, it always helps me to see areas that I need to work on, so this exercise has been good for me! More than anything, a walk with God by us parents is essential. Without His strength working through us, we would be unable to be both firm and gentle, wise and patient.

Growing Up

2010-12-18T13:25:00.000-08:00

We went the mall yesterday to do some Christmas shopping. Usually, at the mall, we let our little guy walk without holding our hands as long as he stays close. But yesterday the mall was unusually crowded, so we told him that he needed to stay right beside us, and sometimes he would would need to hold our hands. Marvelously, he reached up and held my hand the whole time. I reminded my husband how a few months ago, we had to endure meltdowns because our son did not want to hold our hands; because he wanted to go a different direction/speed then we were going. At one point, our son exclaimed, "Look at that!" He started to run, and I said, "Aydon, wait! Show mommy what you want to see." And he did! Communication is wonderful.

Then later in the day we went to Barnes and Noble to hang out and let our little guy play with the wooden train there, which he loves. I smiled as I watched him interact with the other children, not take their trains away, and walk around them, rather than shoving them, when they were in his way. How many grueling days we have spent teaching our son to walk around the kids who are in his way, teaching him to give one of his trains to children who have no trains! Then, as we were leaving the bookstore, our son surprised us by throwing a tantrum because he was not ready to leave. The beautiful thing was that both my husband and I understood that he was overtired, and we understood what it was like to have to leave an activity that you love, and we were able to respond with empathy without giving in (not to say we weren't tempted to be embarrassed, but when we stand in confidence in God's acceptance of us, we don't need to worry about what others think!).

Today I took my son to the grocery store for a quick trip. Usually, he rides in the cart, but if I have a small list, I let him walk. It is good practice for one day when I cannot fit him and the baby into a cart. I told him ahead of time, "No candy and no chocolate today." I also told him that he needed to stay close to me; then we could go really fast and get home quickly so that he could play. He held onto the cart the whole time, staying close (this is really nothing short of miraculous!), "helping" me push it.

I take very little credit for my son's great behavior these last few days. He is growing up, and he is able to communicate with me; that solves so many issues. We have definitely had two mottoes with our son: always follow through with what we say, no matter what, with kindness and empathy AND repeat, repeat, rinse, and repeat when we are teaching him a skill (like walking beside the grocery cart at the store). But I am definitely not a perfect parent who knows it all! I will not be shocked if, in a week or so, some new and challenging behavior surfaces, and I am left muddled and confused and running to God for direction.

So why am I writing this post? To remind myself that children go through stages as they grow up-some of them pleasant, some of them not so pleasant. Sometimes we will fell worn out and want to give up. Sometimes we will wonder if what we are doing is really working. I want to look back and remember that children grow up, quickly in fact! Many difficult-to-deal-with behaviors just fade away (not to say we ignore harmful behavior, like hitting other children). I hope that someday when we are old and our children are grown, we can look back with joy at the days our children were growing because we took growth in stride, enjoying our children for who they are. May God continue to remind us/give us the strength to parent with patience.

The Story of John Law and John Grace

2010-12-05T20:34:00.000-08:00

"For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"" -Romans 8:15

When I first shared with my mom some of the things we were striving to do as we raised Aydon, she said, "That reminds me of the story your dad always tells about John Law and John Grace." I have been thinking a lot about this story lately...I will share the reason after I tell the story:

There once was a lonely, sad, and dejected woman. She was married to a man named John Law. John was harsh; he had a lot of standards for his wife. He demanded that she keep their house perfectly neat and tidy. Every day, she would wake up and carefully make the bed, sweep the floor and cook breakfast. And every day, her perfect husband would find flaws in her work. If there was a wrinkle in the bed, he pointed it out to her. If the eggs were not cooked perfectly, he gave them back to her and demanded that she make a fresh batch. It was not that John Law's standards were flawed: they were perfect! It was just so discouraging because she could never live up to those standards. She woke every morning feeling hopeless about herself; knowing that she would never be perfect.

One day, John Law suffered a heart attack and died. A few months later, the former Mrs. Law met another man named John Grace, whom she married soon after. The first morning after their wedding, this woman awoke and began the tiresome task of straightening out the house and cooking breakfast. Her new husband greeted her with a hug. Glancing at the bed, he said, "Oh, look, there's a wrinkle in the blanket." Sighing, the sad woman began walking to the bed to straighten the wrinkle, but was surprised by another hug from her new husband accompanied by, "Honey, you look tired, let me fix that for you." The rest of this first day of wedded life was bliss for the tired woman, for though John Grace had as high of standards as John Law, he did not demand for her to reach those standards; rather, he reached them for her. He showered love and compassion on her. He was her helper, there by her side, fixing the messes that she made.

Imagine the transformation in Mrs. Grace, formerly Mrs. Law, after several months of Mr. Grace's kindness!

This story illustrates the incredible gift of grace that we believers have been given, as the verse at the beginning of my post so aptly states.

If we, as believing Christian parents, are given this incredible gift of grace from God in the person of Christ, who reached all of God's perfect standards for us, then how is it that most Christian parents are urged to raise their children under the law? The New Testament makes it very clear that when we strive to reach God's standard on our own, we will always fail: that is why Christ died for us; that is why we have the Holy Spirit to lead and guide and empower us daily. I am astonished that Christian parents, having been given a grace-system under which to operate, demand that their little children, who are still developing and growing, reach a certain standard of perfection, or else. If little two-year-old Johny does not pick up his toys immediately upon being asked, he is punished. If he dumps water on the floor (probably as some sort of two-year-old experiment), he is shamed. I have heard some Christian parents rationalize this treatment of their children by saying, "We are training him," or, "The punishment relieves his guilt; we are doing him a favor," or, "He knew better!"

Graceful parenting means that we have high standards for our children. It also means that we are there to help our children accomplish what we ask. We do not want to lead them into hopelessness. So, if I want my little guy to pick up his toys, I get down on the floor with him on eye level, and kindly tell him that he has a few more minutes to play, and then we will have to pick up the toys. And then, when it is time, I actually help him clean up. If he is angry and does not want to, I give him some time and space, and when he is ready, we pick up the toys. The standard never changes, the means to reaching the standard does. This is raising our children under grace. It is far from permissive. It breeds in our children a spirit of hope, and a knowledge of love. It nurtures our children, teaches them what it means to listen to their parents as we work side by side with them.

Three Little Words

2010-11-27T13:48:00.000-08:00

Yes, I am still blogging! :-) We just returned from a crazy two-week vacation, visiting two sets of in-laws, and tons of cousins, aunts, and uncles.

God chose this vacation to remind me that I am not parenting for accolades from others. My little guy did great at first, but as the days wore on, and more and more people paraded in and out of our lives on a daily basis, he began to crumble. He is normally cheerful and easy-going. He became cranky. He was upset if anyone did anything that bothered him, and loudly declared it. He had tantrums. I felt so sorry for him, knowing that he did not understand everything that was going on; knowing that he was exhausted from lack of sleep; and knowing that he recharges best away from people, from whom there was very little escape on this trip.

Aydon is also the eldest grandson on both sides of the family, so he is used to receiving all the attention. On my side, he has a little cousin who is about half a year younger than him, and loves all the same types of things he does (thomas the tank engine, trains, cars, garbage trucks). So, halfway through our vacation my brother, his wife, and this cute little guy came to stay with my family as well. This threw Aydon for a loop. I had to be constantly watching to make sure my little man did not take toys from him; to help him share (beforehand, we did pick a few toys that he wanted to keep in the room, which he did not have to share); to keep him from pushing his cousin. This was exhausting, and there were so so many tantrums. By the third day, our little man was playing a little better with his cousin. One evening, the were jumping on a little air mattress while my mom supervised. There were laughs and yells of fun coming from the room. Then, suddenly, silence, followed by shrieking wails from Aydon's cousin. I ran into the room, heart racing, fearing the worst. Nightmares came true: Aydon had bitten his cousin on the foot! I was horrified. I picked Aydon up and carried him into the room where we were staying. He was hysterical, screaming, yelling for water, kicking his legs.

My husband went to ask my mom what had happened. Apparently, the boys had been playing well, and suddenly, Aydon became frustrated and upset and then bit his cousin. Ryan, my hubby, came to the room where I was with my beserk kiddo, holding a cup of water. This was one of those tantrums that got worse the longer it went on. I felt like crying. I also felt sorry for Aydon. He was mentally overloaded, emotionally overcharged, and it was spilling out all at once. Don't get me wrong, the biting had to be dealt with, but there were a myriad of causes, and he was just an immature two-year old. As our son's wailing continued, my husband suddenly grabbed in a bear hug, and whispered calmly in his ear, "I love you, Aydon." The horrible tantrum ceased immediately, like a hurricane that miraculously evaporates, as Aydon reached out for a hug from his daddy.We were able to calmly talk to our son about how the biting hurt his cousin; how he would need to tell him sorry; and how we wouldn't be doing any more jumping on the bed that night. After he apologized to his cousin, it was like our son was another person: he played calmly alongside his cousin for the rest of the evening; even offering him various toys to play with.

My husband and I choke back tears when we think about what brought conviction and calmness to our son: three little words, "I love you." How often in our Christian lives do we run from God in shame and disgrace, worried that His grace will not cover us? But when we stop and listen, He is whispering, "I love you." Melting into that love, we are strong enough to face that what we did was wrong. We are able to walk with strength as we face the consequences that sometimes come along with sin, knowing that God holds our hand, loving us; knowing that we stand before Him forgiven.

This parenting by grace thing often leaves us feeling like we are jumping off a cliff into the unknown. Each situation requires a unique response that only God can give through us. We often feel our inexperience as we bumble along, realizing in retrospect that we should have handled some situations differently. This biting incident will forever remain rooted deeply in our minds as an example of the power of a parent's love. Oddly, it made us love our son even more, seeing that he is human, knowing that this was the first of many times that he will make mistakes, just like the rest of us. We are excited to love him throughout the rest of his life; hopefully, he will grow to trust in God's unconditional love offered to him by a selfless Savior on Calvary thousands of years ago.

What Gentle Discipline is Not, Continued Again :-)

2010-11-06T06:56:00.000-07:00

Gentle discipline is not something that occurs only when unacceptable behavior manifests itself. I remember as a child, and even as a teenager, shuddering when I heard the term "discipline". To me, "discipline" meant punishment. It was something I tried hard to avoid.

Gentle, grace-based, discipline, recognizes that to discipline means to teach, not to punish for wrong behavior. When I started studying the true meaning of discipline in the Bible, I went through a real paradigm shift in my understanding of discipline. Previously, discipline was something I imagined I'd "administer" to stop wrong behavior. But I began to understand that discipline was something that should occur all day, every day, because it meant that I was teaching.

Gentle discipline, for the Christian, means that all day, every day, I am to be teaching my little guys. I am to teach him right from wrong. I am to teach him how to cope with problem situations he will encounter. I am to teach him appropriate ways to interact with other children. I am to teach him how to be safe. Most importantly, I am to teach him, both by words and by example as an authority in his life, who God is.

Gentle discipline, then, is ongoing, not sporadic. It is not always pleasant for our children, but it teaches them that discipline is the process of learning. Hopefully, when they hear that God disciplines His children, they will eagerly embrace God's teaching and training.

What Gentle Discipline is Not, Continued

2010-10-23T07:33:00.000-07:00

Gentle disciplines is not adversarial! This week, I dealt with a little five year old girl who has been spanked, given time-outs, and tantalized with rewards for good behavior her whole life. She is one of the worst-behaved, violent little children I have ever encountered. You see, this little girl hears an authority figure set a limit, and she gears up for battle. She is strong-willed and intelligent, and she digs in her heals when she does not want to do something. Her mom told me that one time she spanked her very hard, borderline abuse hard, and the little girl came out of the bathroom laughing. My wonderful husband, upon hearing this story, told me that that is exactly how he was as a child. This week, the little girl told me, when I set a limit, that she was going to smash my head...she proceeded to approach me and push on my head. My sweet little Aydon was terrified. Needless to say, I put my foot down and said that I will no longer watch this girl, for the sake of my son.

I do not want to lump all children into two categories, but I will say that it seems to me that some children are sensitive to what their parents think and feel, and some children, though they definitely crave the love and affection of their parents, are born into this world not so worried about how their parents feel about their behavior: they have a heart to conquer, to win, to lead. Many children have a combination of both of these spirits, and all children were created by God with the personalities that He gave them. The more sensitive children respond quickly to punitive discipline. Having their parents spank them, or put them in time out, breaks their hearts, but they cover it up to please their parents and keep them happy. They act as good as possible to avoid punishment. If they choose to disobey, they often are sneaky; not outwardly rebellious. The children with "strong wills" are more likely to question their parents. Punitive discipline sets them up for a life-long fight. Letting a spanking in any way affect them proves to the world that their parents won, and they will not have it.

Gentle discipline addresses both personalities, because the parent embraces the role of a teacher, a discipler, who comes alongside the child, works with the child's personality, and guides the child in the right direction. Christians who use gentle discipline recognize that a child's heart is what matters, and that outward good behavior does not always mean that the heart is in the same place. These Christian parents seek to teach their children right from wrong, yet they also do not mislead their children into thinking that outward good behavior is all that counts. They allow God to work in their child's hearts. They refuse to shame their children into acting good. They treat their children with the same grace God bestows on them.

What Gentle Discipline is Not

2010-10-14T12:39:00.000-07:00

I love how Ezzo describes the attachment parent in Babywise: a total pushover parent with absolutely no boundaries. While this is most certainly true of some people who practice attachment parenting, it is also most certainly true of some "punitive" minded parents.

I love taking my son to the park in the evenings. But sometimes I get so tired of parents who sit on the sidelines and yell at their kids, "stop doing xyz, or you'll be sorry!" Minutes tick by, the child continues his/her behavior, and the parent either pretends not to notice the child, or the parent continues with meaningless yelling. Occasionally, said parent will become incredibly angry, walk over to his/her child, yank them by the arm, and either pop them on the bottom or drag them, parent and child screaming, to the bench on the side. The parent is angry; the child feels that he/she has been treated unjustly. No real discipline is occurring here. My heart cries as I watch parent/child relationships deteriorate in this way.

Gentle discipline takes another approach. The parent sees the child doing something dangerous or harmful to others. The parent walks over to child, and redirects. If the child digs in his/her heels and refuses to be redirected, the parent, kindly and respectfully, yet firmly, holds the child's hand, or picks the child up, steering the child in a different direction. The parent shows the child acceptable alternatives to the unwanted behavior. The parent is willing to play with the child.

I love some of the results I am seeing in my son's life due to this type of discipline. When I will not allow him to do something, yet express my understanding at his frustration, more times then I can count, he comes running to my arms, telling me, "I'm sad..." or "I'm worried about...." or "I wanted to...". Isn't this the way God wants us to respond to Him when He tells us "no" or "later" or "that is bad for you"? He wants us to go running to His arms for comfort!

Well, little man is waking from his nap...I will post more on this subject later.

Ungraceful Dancing

2010-09-29T19:50:00.000-07:00

I have decided that life with a two and a half year old can sometimes resemble an ungraceful dance. Sometimes, little man takes me completely by surprise, and I fumble around for a while, trying to regain my parenting equilibrium. Case in point: Aydon and I went to the park this evening. He did a great job of leaving, and we were soon on our way to the car. I was in a hurry to get to the car, because there were giant mosquitoes that had just come out, and they were hungry! Two year olds really don't get the concept of "hurry, mosquitoes!" though, or at least my two year old doesn't. We neared the parking lot, and Aydon decided he wanted to climb over the little yellow blocks that mark the parking spots. Not just one, but every single one. The more I tried to rush him over those, the more he wanted to play on them. Finally, I said, "Aydon, one more time, and then we are going to the car!" Well, then he decided he wanted to try climbing the fence. Then he decided he wanted to run over and check out the trashcan beside our car. And me? Chasing him around like some confused mama hen. And, finally, me, with the words "Aydon, we are going to the car now. No more playing," grabbing his hand and holding on for dear life while he tugged a little before giving in and coming with me.

I couldn't help but chuckle at what I must have looked like to the other parents at the park. I decided to call my fumbling an "ungraceful dance," and I decided that I will always dance this crazy dance with confidence. Why? Because being a good mama means that I am a learning mama. With each new situation, I will dance ungracefully the first time, and then I will take the situation prayerfully to my heavenly Father, who teaches me to parent, and ask Him for wisdom and guidance. Next time there are mosquitoes and I am in a hurry, I will forewarn Aydon that we are going straight to the car, and that he will have to hold my hand. Maybe we will make a pretend game out of it even, like, "Let's pretend we are dogs. Let's bark while we walk to the car..." to distract him.

We went on an airplane trip recently. Little man did so so well! I think it is because we prepped him the week beforehand with what to expect. We role-played and pretended. We read him books about airports and airplanes. We talked about the noises we would hear. We discussed how he would have to stay close to us and hold our hands. We also gave him his own little suitcase that had wheels, and he confidently pulled that thing through the airport! So cute! Another mom and tot sat a few rows ahead of us. The entire trip, you could hear her snapping angrily at her daughter, "Sit down, please!" And, every few times she said this, she swatted her daughter on the leg. It was all I could do not to jump out of my seat and give that mama a piece of my mind. What happened to talking to your tot? What happened to a little firmness mixed with kindness? But then I realized that this poor mother was probably embarrassed and worried about what the other passengers would think of her. She was under pressure, and she likely did not know God, in whom she could find her acceptance and confidence. But for me, watching this momma cemented something again in my mind: I will dance ungracefully no matter who watches or what they think, for the sake of my child. It could have been my son who was trying to stand in his seat, or crying because he was scared. Being willing to do an ungraceful dance would have determined how I handled the situation (and by ungraceful I mean clumsy, not devoid of grace).

While we were on our trip, a sweet elderly lady smiled at us as we entered the mall. Looking at Aydon, she said, "Enjoy him. The time will pass quickly." Spoken by one who certainly must comprehend the profundity of her statement. Let's enjoy our kiddos. Let's do clumsy dances, and learn as we go. They will, after all, grow up quickly.

Pressing On, Trusting God!

2010-09-24T18:18:00.000-07:00

We have been busy lately. We recently sold our house, and the very hot July weekend that we were moving, a wave of insane tiredness hit, and I took a pregnancy test, and, sure enough, I was pregnant! I had a miscarriage in February, and we had been trying to conceive again since then, with nothing doing, so it was definitely funny that at the busiest time of our year I found out that I was pregnant. God just really orchestrates life in such a way that we are constantly thrown onto Him, forced to let Him carry us and take us through!

Before we sold our house, I read an excellent book by Barbara Curtis entitled Small Beginnings. Barbara is a mom of a bunch of kiddos, and before she became a mom she was a Montessori school teacher. She has some really neat ideas in her book for playfully encouraging our toddlers to build certain skills. So, when we moved, I was excited to implement some of these activities. But first trimester being the way it is, I hardly had the energy to make it through each day. Then I went shopping for the materials I needed for the activities, and I couldn't find all of them. Yawn. Sigh. I started feeling hopeless and guilty. If I was a good mom, I would find a way to work these activities into my day.

I cried to my husband about my failure as a mom. He, of course, told me I was doing a great job and to trust God. Grudgingly, I decided, yet again, to let go of my ideas of who I needed to be as a mom, and what I needed to do, and trust God. Then I started noticing some things. While I cook, Aydon plays with some measuring cups of mine. Carefully, he pours water from one container into the other. It dawned on me: here he was practicing eye-hand coordination, concentration, and motor skills! I was at WalMart, and this cute little rug with a car track painted on it was on sale, so I picked it up for my little guy. He spends forever sitting on that rug, driving cars around, pretending, focusing. I hear him verbalizing: "put gas in the car, open the door, turn the key, drive away"! Aydon loves to draw with markers...he has always drawn spirals, but he just discovered how to draw lines. He draws dozens of lines all over the paper: fine motor skills, concentration, pre-writing, here we come. If he spills water, or when his toys are a mess, we clean them up together: servanthood, orderliness, here we come! I realized that we don't all fit into a mold as moms, and we shouldn't feel guilty about what we can or can't do. If you ask God, He can open your eyes to the things that are going well...and this gives you energy to make it through to the next day.

God is good! All the time! May our children see us trusting God as they learn about trust from us!

Is Spanking Biblical? Part 4: Why We Have Chosen Not To

2010-09-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

I want to begin by saying that my husband and I were both spanked as children. Most American children are spanked, in fact. I love and respect my parents. My husband's and my mutual decision not to spank is not based on any resentment on our part against our parents, and there are many things both of our parents did that we want to emulate as we raise our children.

My husband and I planned to spank our children until our son reached Dr. Dobson's magical 18 months. Yes, we read "Dare to Discipline." But at 18 months, I could not for the life of me spot any signs of rebellion in my son. And when I imagined raising my hand, or using a wooden spoon, to spank him, I could not bear to even imagine the look of betrayal and hurt and misunderstanding that would surely flood his eyes and enter his being. Furthermore, I could not imagine being able to spank my son unless I was very angry, at which point I had no business raising my hand towards him. I approached my husband with my concerns/thoughts. We embarked on a months-long study of Scripture. We prayed for wisdom and discernment. We prayed that God would clearly show us if we were wrong in our conclusions. After much study and prayer, we determined that the Bible most definitely does not mandate corporal punishment. We could not believe how much scripture has been twisted to fit into our cultural views of child-rearing (and, yes, statistically, many American parents, Christian and non-Christian, spank). The Bible does not recommend hitting young children (the age at which we are told to spank) with any implement; it does not recommend spanking children on the bottom. It is surprising that when Paul, divinely inspired, speaks to parents about child-rearing, he does not use the term "spank" anywhere...nor is it even hinted at. We were shocked to realize that the word discipline refers to training, correcting, guiding, exhorting, admonishing our children, but is by no means a synonym for "spank."

We realized that to spank or not to spank is a choice that each Christian parent must make before God. While the Bible does not advocate spanking, and God does not model it, we cannot make a case that spanking is wrong biblically...therefore we will not judge Christian parents who choose to spank...they must make their choices before God. Though I strongly recommend that these parents do not follow the Pearls (at least two children have died under the hands of parents using their methods), Dobson (he really just uses extra-biblical advice based on his own experiences), Tripp, or Ezzo (two of his children are allegedly estranged from him, by the way; and though his baby sleep-training methods have been challenged because many babies have become depressed or failed to thrive under his methods, he refuses to listen).

Furthermore, I have a temper. I am terrified of what I could do in a fit of temper if spanking were an option.

This concludes my posts on "Is Spanking Biblical?" I want to talk more about discipline and natural and logical consequences, about parents as authorities, etc. Will talk more about that as we experience the joy of training and guiding and correcting our sweet little boy.

Great Thoughts from Clay Clarkson

2010-08-31T18:41:00.000-07:00

Wanted to put this quote in here from Clay Clarkson's book "Heartfelt Discipline" (pg. 176).

"Your children are your disciples, so part of your responsibility is to model for them the character of Christ. Your children will learn what He is like from your example, and they will want to become like the Christ they see in you. Physical discipline is not a part of the biblical portrait of the Savior. There is good reason that you should find it difficult to imagine Jesus raising His hand to strike a child in punishment. It would contradict the biblical portrait of Jesus as the Loving Savior and the gentle Shepherd, laying hands on the children to bless them. But a punitive Jesus is in part, the picture you draw in your children's minds when you use physical discipline. No matter how loving your try to make it, in a day of "What Would Jesus Do?" it is hard to make the case that spanking is what Jesus would do."

Amazing Thoughts on Children and the Church...

2010-08-28T17:44:00.000-07:00

I read this tonight and it resonated with so many of the things my husband and I have been thinking about lately. Click here to read it. Children should be an integral part of our worship...imagine a church like this!

I didn't agree with the idea that everyone should be able to tell our children what to do...we live in a dangerous world; while I want my children to be respectful and kind to other adults, I do not want them to obey other adults. Also didn't agree with everything on the site I read the article on...just liked the article.

Is Spanking Biblical? Part 3: Spanking Relieves Guilt?

2010-08-14T10:40:00.000-07:00

I am really not sure where the idea that a spanking is necessary to purge a child of sin-guilt came from, but I cannot believe the number of Christian parenting books and resources that espouse this idea as though it is biblical! All that I can find in the Bible is that Jesus came to this earth to die in our place, taking our sin-punishment upon himself, suffering all the shame and pain caused by our sin, so that we WOULD NOT HAVE TO!! Now, doesn't it seem pretty hypocritical of Christian parents to spank their children for their children's sins, but then themselves be able to turn to a perfect Lamb when they sin? Why can't we point our children to Christ when they sin?? They need to learn that Jesus took care of all their guilt and shame, and before God they are forgiven.

I submit that a child who grows up being spanked as a means to relieve his/her guilt, will have a hard time accepting God's unconditional forgiveness when they are "too old" to be spanked. This child will feel that there is something else that they ought to do to make themselves right with God; they will feel that they ought to somehow make themselves suffer a bit to relieve their guilt. In fact, many Christian kids begin cutting themselves around their teenage years. I am personally acquainted with several who do. I asked one of these teens why they felt they needed to cut themselves. She explained to me that when she was feeling bad about herself, cutting relieved some of the bad feelings. Hmmm....

Recently, my husband was reading about Martin Luther, and the prevailing beliefs of his time. One of the main beliefs at this time had to do with penance. If you sinned, then you needed to do some sort of penance and God would then forgive you. Clearly, people were not encouraged to look only to Christ for forgiveness. Martin Luther would beat himself raw whenever he sinned, hoping to purge his guilt, hoping to punish himself, hoping to keep himself from sinning again. Many monks of old would treat their bodies severely. They did this in hopes that they would then stay away from sin and know God better. Did it work? Of course not!

Sin is nasty; and it has intrinsic consequences. I do not propose that we shield our children from experiencing these consequences. However, I do challenge the idea that a spanking relieves a child from sin-guilt. I think that parents who spank to relieve their child's guilt are missing a golden opportunity to point their children to the foot of the cross when they do wrong. Yes, the child may still experience some of the yuckiness of sin through logical consequences (not through punishment or shaming), but they will see Christ as their forgiveness; they will learn to practice walking in grace. They will not have a need to "do penance" by hurting or otherwise punishing themselves when they sin. They will learn to rely on Christ to give them the strength to do right the next time.

A Great Thought From Sally Clarkson

2010-07-29T18:05:00.000-07:00

Read this on Sally Clarkson's old blog. Excellent thoughts:

"When we appeal to our children’s hearts for excellence and choices of good behavior, then we are giving them the will and desire to be excellent all for themselves. Their desire comes from within and their motivation is from their heart. But if we train them behaviorally by always forcing them to do what we want them to do because they might get a spanking, or another kind of threatened discipline, then their motivation is to avoid spanking or harshness but not to please God or to please their parents, by having a good heart and responding in obedience."

Is Spanking Biblical? Part 2: Hebrews 12

2010-07-28T10:19:00.000-07:00

Before I delve into this passage, I would like to point out that discipline and punishment are not synonymous. And contrary to popular Christian thinking, discipline and spanking are not synonymous.

I have posted on this difference before, but I would like to review the difference between discipline and punishment briefly. "Discipline" in the Bible comes from the Greek word "paideia." "Paideia" was actually a common term when the New Testament was being written. According to wordiQ.com, "paideia" meant the following to the early Greeks: "the process of educating man into his true form, the real and genuine human nature." The Blue Letter Bible Lexicon defines "paideia" as "the whole training and education of children." Other ways that the term "paideia" has been translated are "chastening," "nurture," "instruction," and "chastisement." Another definition of "chastening/paideia" by Vine's Expository Dictionary is that chastening "denotes the training of a child, including instruction;" hence, "discipline, correction," "chastening," Eph 6:4, RV (AV, "nurture"), suggesting the Christian discipline that regulates character; so in Hbr 12:5, 7, 8 (in ver. 8, AV, "chastisement," the RV corrects to "chastening"); in 2Ti 3:16, "instruction."

Discipline involves training, nurturing, correcting (chastising). It does not involve inflicting pain on a child in order for him/her to learn; this is punishment. Here is another difference between discipline and punishment from Danny Silk's book Loving Your Kids On Purpose: “Discipline works from the inside out, while punishment tries to work from the outside in. The parent who is bringing learning to a child is not going to try to control the child, but is skillfully going to invite the child to own and solve his or her own problems.” (160)

Here is a further illustration of the difference between the two from a blog I read recently: "There is a huge difference between punishment and discipline. Punishment is all about behavior change. It works on the outward behavior first and foremost. The hope is that enough punishment for bad behavior will force the child into a pattern of good behavior. Punishment can be delivered without any love at all. In fact, it’s meant to be rational, impartial, and free of emotion. Take the criminal court system as an example. The judges, jurors, and jailers don’t make the laws (legislators do that). They don’t enforce the laws (policemen do that). They punish lawbreakers who have been caught by the law enforcers. The goal of the justice system is to objectively apply a punishment to fit the crime. It’s about destroying the will to do that negative behavior again." The problem with punishment is that it really only works on outward behavior. A child who is punished may be very obedient to their parent's commands, but they still struggle with inward sin. Worse yet, they will likely become sneaky, afraid to share their struggles with sin with their parents because they know that, like a perfectly fair judge, their mom or dad will always meet out a punishment.

The focus of discipline, on the other hand, is to nurture children. It is to teach them, actively, how to behave correctly. It maintains relationship while still upholding a standard. It is grace-based; it is relationship-oriented. It does not pit the parent against the child...it puts the parent on the same team as the child.

Judging by these thoughts, would you label a spanking as "discipline," or as "punishment."

I urge you to carefully consider this difference.

Now, if you would like to see an excellent example of discipline vs. punishment, read Hebrews 12. I urge you to read Hebrews 10:32-39;11-12 several times before continuing to read my post. Here is what my husband and I noticed when we were studying this favorite passage of Christians who advocate corporal punishment of their children.

Who was this book/passage written to? Believers. What was going on in their lives? They were enduring/about to endure some heavy persecution for their faith.
Never once is it stated or implied in these chapters that "you better behave, or else God is going to discipline you!"
Hebrews 12 was intended to be an encouragement to these early believers. Would you be encouraged if someone told you that "you better not sin, or else God is going to come down hard on you, and punish you?" The book of Hebrews, in fact, is all about the great High Priest, Jesus, who died for their sins, so that they would not have to endure punishment for said sins.
Is Hebrews 12 prescriptive or descriptive? Is it showing how God deals with His children, or is it giving us commands as to how to raise our children (I am not saying it is not a model for us; what I am saying is that it would be wrong to teach this passage as a parenting text)?
If you use this passage as a justification/prescription for spanking, where are those three, four, or five steps that Christian parenting experts tell you you should take when you spank (explain the reason beforehand, hug afterward, don't use your hand, etc.)? If those steps are so essential to take so that the spanking is done in love, why aren't they in this passage, or even in the Bible for that matter?? I realize that many of these experts use the phrase, "and scourges every son whom He receives" as justification of their idea that we, too, should spank our children...but if you are going to follow this passage as a law, you had better "scourge" then. This would mean that you would use a very large whip, and you would beat your child with it until he/she bleeds! "Scourge" does not mean a few swats with a stick.
Jesus was scourged for our transgressions. He is the perfect Son whom the Lord received. Because of Him, we are all able to be received by God as sons. At the beginning of Hebrews 12, the author urges readers to consider Jesus, who endured hostility from sinners, so that they do not become weary (vs. 3). The author goes on to point out that they have not had to shed their blood yet, as Jesus did, in their struggle against sin (better translated "sinful men")! The author is clearly encouraging them to press on through the persecution, knowing that Jesus had also endured the same harsh treatment.
Read Hebrews 12, inserting the word "punishment" every time you see the word "discipline." Is this comforting to you? Because this passage WAS intended to be comforting. Now, insert the word "train" into every place you see the word discipline, because this is what paideia actually means. Is that comforting? It should be!
Point of Hebrews 12: You are surrounded by a cloud of witnesses who trusted God in all circumstances. Do the same! As you go through persecution and hardship, realize that God is using it to train you, because He wants you to mature; you are His sons.
Notice that when the author of Hebrews refers to parents who discipline their children, he contrasts these parents with God. They disciplined "as seemed best to them." This actually connotes parents who discipline for their own selfish reasons...God does not ds
Finally, did you know that the Greeks also had several different terms they used when referring to children. Here are two that I would like to point out: "Teknon" means child, and is often used to describe believers, who are all children of God, and "Huios," which means son, and connotes maturity. "Huios" is the term that Hebrews 12 uses when it illustrates that God deals with us as "sons." This passage is talking about how God trains mature believers. Interesting, considering that somehow this passage has been construed to mean that we should take a small switch or wooden spoon, spank our small, immature children with it, and then have them give us a hug in order to train them.

Friends, please ask yourselves if this passage really teaches spanking. Read it over and over again! In a further post, I will talk about how life and hardship does indeed train our children, but first I wanted to address the issue of this passage and whether or not it is commanding parents to spank their children.

Is Spanking Biblical? Part 1: Proverbs, CONTINUED

2010-07-24T19:33:00.000-07:00

Since I posted on Proverbs and the spanking issue, I remembered a few more things that I would like to add.

In my last post, I addressed the implications of taking Proverbs literally and applying it to your life as a believer, especially the literal meaning of the "rod" verses. I would like to add another implication of reading and applying these verses literally: the rod you would need to use is a "shebet." This is not a small stick, a wooden spoon, or a paddle. The Hebrew term "shebet" is used many times throughout the Old Testament. It is translated many different ways. Here are the ways, according to Strong's concordance:

Strong's Hebrew Lexicon #7626:
rod, staff, branch, offshoot, club, sceptre, tribe
a. rod, staff
b. shaft (of spear, dart)
c. club (of shepherd's implement)
d. truncheon, sceptre (mark of authority)
e. clan, tribe From an unused root probably meaning to branch off; a scion, for example literally a stick (for punishing, writing, fighting, walking, ruling, etc.) or figuratively a clan.

The Shebet is not a small instrument. A shepherd's staff was a thick, long rod. If you were to literally beat your child with this, on the back (as this is what is literally indicated in the Proverbs), you would likely kill him/her. Recently, a little girl was killed because here parents spanked her with a small switch over and over again. Her internal organs failed, and she died. These were supposed loving, Bible-believing parents! I will post more on this story later. If a small switch can kill a child, imagine what a literal rod could do!!

Exodus 21:20 warns about the use of the rod: "And if a man smite his servant, or his maid, with a rod, and he die under his hand; he shall be surely punished." This verse is speaking about an adult being smitten with a rod, not a child. And an adult smitten with a literal rod could die!

One more thing I would like to address: Proverbs is a book of Hebrew poetry. This is an important contextual fact to look at when you are interpreting those pesky "rod" verses. If you look at Proverbs as poetry, you will see that the "rod," or the "shebet," is a symbol of authority. When the Hebrews read the term "shebet," they would have had in mind the leader of a tribe, a shepherd's rod (which, incidentally, was never used to beat the sheep. Sheep are very timid creatures, and will not trust a master who raises his hand against them), a king's sceptre, or the shaft of a spear. "Shebet" would have meant authority to them. In the New Testament, believing parents are encouraged to nurture, admonish, train, correct their children: clearly, they are to be in authority over the, so this is a New Testament principle as well.

I would like to explain what I mean when I say that we should not apply Old Testament rules to our lives as believers. When I was a young woman, I used to read Proverbs 31 and feel incredibly guilty because I didn't measure up. I tried to be like her, and I failed. Then I began to learn that I do not have to use the Old Testament as a law by which to live my life. I can read about that woman, and see a picture of someone who is godly, but I do not need to read Proverbs as a rule-book for my Christian life. I learned that I could walk by the Spirit, and that God would then work through my individual personality to be the woman He created me to be! Because I have the Holy Spirit, God Himself, living in me and working through me, He can use me to accomplish greater things than this woman ever did. So, when I realized this, I did not have to compare myself to anyone else; I just needed to stay plugged into Christ. As Christian parents, we need to walk by the Spirit. We do not have to follow rules and regulations in order to be godly parents...we need to walk with God; He will show us how to parent.

Is Spanking Biblical? Part 1: Proverbs

2010-07-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

Let me begin by saying that each and every one of us parents before the Lord. Read what I say with open ears and a grain of salt, bring it before God, study the Bible for yourself. In this post, I will discuss what my husband and I have learned through our study of the Bible. In later posts, I will discuss other reasons why my husband and I have decided never to use spanking as a tool.

Proverbs 23:1-2 reads: "When you sit down to dine with a ruler, Consider carefully what is before you, And put a knife to your throat If you are a man of great appetite." I would ask you to ask a few questions about these verses:

Is this verse meant to be taken literally? Or are we supposed to gain a tidbit of inferred wisdom from reading it?
Is this how we as Christians are told to deal with sin in our own lives? Are we to hold a knife to our throats, literally or figuratively, when confronted with temptation?

The answer to this question is found in Romans 6-8. The way a believer avoids sin and escapes temptation is by realizing that we are dead to our old sin nature, and that we have a new nature that is alive because of our co-crucifixion with Christ. The Holy Spirit empowers our new nature to stand against sin.
I will let these verses speak for themselves: "If you have died with Christ to the elementary principles of the world, do you submit yourself to decrees, such as, 'Do not handle, do not taste, do not touch!' (which all refer to things destined to perish with use)--in accordance with the commandments and teachings of men? These are matters which have, to be sure, the appearance of wisdom in self-made religion and self-abasement and severe treatment of the body, but are of no value against fleshly indulgence....Therefore consider the members of your earthly body as dead to immorality, impurity, passion, evil desire, and greed, which amounts to idolatry." (Colossians 2: 20-23; 3:5).

So, what is my point with this? I am not saying that the book of Proverbs is not inspired wisdom. However, we need to keep in mind when reading Scripture the dispensational context of any given passage. Proverbs was written by King Solomon, who was living under the law. Christ had not yet come, died for sin, and given every person the opportunity to trust Him, be born again, and be empowered by the Spirit in their new natures. As believers, we do not deal with sin by exerting self-control to resist temptation--we realize that we are free from sin (though we can still choose to walk in it), and alive to God, and that we must walk by the Spirit. We read Proverbs the same way we read Deuteronomy: we realize it is inspired wisdom, we see God's character through it, but we also read it knowing that we do not have to follow the laws/prescriptions in these passages. It is not that God has ever changed, it is just that we are under grace, whereas the people in the Old Testament were under law.

Here is a bit more context that is important to understand when you read the book of Proverbs: First, Proverbs was written with a specific audience in mind. King Solomon was addressing his son. Verse 8 says: "Hear, my son...". As you continue to read Proverbs, you will be able to guess at the age of King Solomon's son: he is clearly not a little boy. He is at least a teenager/young man, as Solomon instructs him regarding harlots!

Let me get a little more technical. The passages in Proverbs that Christians hold to as advocating spanking (Proverbs 13:24, Proverbs 23:13,14), are not talking about a young child, but a young man!! The Hebrews used specific words when referring to the different ages of children. I am going to quote from a book by Samuel Martin, who has a BA degree with a special focus on Middle Eastern studies, and who has worked closely with two Hebrew professors in Israel on an excavation trip and a survey trip. That is to say, he has studied Hebrew culture and language extensively. Here is a quote from his book concerning the the number of Hebrew terms for child, each describing a certain age/stage (nursling, young woman, weaned one, etc): "...As mentioned earlier, the Hebrew terms that refer to the phases of life are “yeled,” “yonek,” “olel,” “gamul,” “taph,” elem,” “na’ar,” “bthulah,” “bachur,” “ish” and“ben.”" (Thy Rod and Thy Staff They Comfort Me). The specific stage "the rod" verses in Proverbs are focused on is "na'ar." Now, Proverbs also uses the word "ben" in some verses. "Ben" refers to a boy of any age. Considering the context and the specific use of the term "na'ar," however, one can infer that where "ben" is used it likely refers to a teenage son. "Na'ar" refers to a young man, who is ready to be free of his parents, a teenager approaching adulthood. Here is what Samuel Martin points out: "The word that we find used in three of the verses that advocate smacking in Proverbs is “na’ar.” The phase of life associated with the “na’ar” (which means the“one shook lose”) is that of young adulthood or the teenage years. This is significant. Based on this evidence, it is safe to say that all of these texts in the book of Proverbs have no application to anyone less than about ten to twelve years of age." Woah! Shocking, considering most parenting gurus advocate beginning spanking at toddlerhood, or even before!

Another interesting point to consider: the terms used to describe small children are not used in the book of Proverbs in reference to the rod. It would be a stretch to say that Proverbs advocates spanking small children.

So what has been my husband's and my conclusion? Proverbs was written in the Old Testament. That means that its writer was writing as one under the law, and we need to be careful to read Proverbs with that focus in mind. If you are going to follow the Proverbs explicitly as a believer, you had better hold a knife to your throat, or at least threaten yourself, when you are eating with a ruler! Furthermore, if you are going to follow the book of Proverbs as though it is a book of commands for believers, you had better also follow the other laws in the Old Testament. Let me quote one here for you. Deuteronomy 21:18,19;21a: "If any man has a stubborn and rebellious son who will not obey his father or his mother, and when they chastise him, he will not even listen to them, then his father and mother shall seize him, and bring him out to the elders of his city at the gateway of his hometown...Then all the men of his city shall stone him to death...". When I read this, I wonder if that is perhaps what Solomon meant when he said that if you beat your son with a rod, you will save his soul from Sheol (or death). Perhaps he had in mind a rebellious teenage son (his sons certainly were!), and he was thinking of beating his rebellious sons to keep them from being stoned to death!!

When Christian parents approach the book of Proverbs, I hope that they will pay attention to historical, dispensational context, as well as to the intended audience of Proverbs, including the age of the "child" that is referred to in the book, as they prayerfully consider whether or not Proverbs is telling them that they must spank their young children. I will address the New Testament passages commonly used to advocate spanking next.

Life Lessons

2010-07-13T10:39:00.000-07:00

Little man lit a match last week. It surprised him, and it surprised me! I was watching him nearby, so I was able to put it out before he started a fire. It stayed lit long enough to feel hot to him, though. Now, when he sees us lighting a candle, he exclaims "tot! (hot!)" and takes a step back. My husband and I were talking about the incident and how it illustrates something that we feel strongly about as parents: when at all possible, allow your child to experience the real world, even if it is painful or difficult. The lessons learned by experience stick so much better than the lessons that we try to hammer into our children's heads verbally. Also, when a lesson like this is learned, there is no need to give a lecture, an "I-told-you-so," or to reiterate it in any way. It sticks on its own.

Ryan and I have just seen too many Christian kids who are ready to leave home and do not know how to make decisions, think for themselves, problem solve, trouble-shoot, handle money, etc. This is because their parents, though well-meaning, protected them from learning by experience. Interestingly, these are also often the parents who were "heavy handed" when their children were toddlers, spanking them for touching or trying things. Their children learned, "play it safe, stay out of trouble," early on. By spanking and otherwise punishing, these parents actually shield their children.

I propose that we let our toddlers explore as much as possible, unless something they are playing with is life-threateningly dangerous. There are some things I tell Aydon a firm "no" about. This would be such things as knives. But when I tell him "no," I also try to tell him why. "Aydon, no, you may not have the knife. It is sharp and could cut you. When you are bigger, I will teach you how to use it." Then, I put the knife out of sight. Sometimes, I redirect activities that could make a huge mess to a cleaner area: he is only allowed to dump and pour in the sink, not on the floor. He likes to smell spices (yes, my child for sure), so he sits at his table to do this.

God created toddlers to explore. It is how they learn. If we are looking towards their future, we need to allow them to explore and experiment as much as possible. We need them to experience the cause/effect relationships intrinsic to life, and then give them time to absorb it on their own, without us trying to turn it into a lesson. Christian kids should leave home ready to face the world, able to stand up for the truth because they personally believe it, able to make right, wise choices on their own. My husband and I firmly believe that the way we deal with our toddler gives him a foundation that will help carry him into maturity.

Judgementalism

2010-07-08T16:23:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking a lot lately about my heart attitude as a Christian. It is because I am reading yet another Donald Miller book, and it really has me thinking about how haughty I tend to be. In this book, he points out that people seem to find their value by comparing themselves to others. They feel good about themselves as long as there is someone "beneath" them, whether it be socially, economically, physically, or in any other way. He also points out that we were designed to find our worth outside of ourselves, from God and who He says we are and how He loves us, but in our fallen state, we look to others to define us instead of to God. And that is why we so often find someone to condemn or look down on; it helps us to feel like we are "ok".

I started thinking about Christian teens that I have worked with through the years. There is always a very small minority who seem to care less what others think of them, but most Christian teens act just like non-Christian teens: they worry about what others think of them; no matter how "liberal" they are, they always find someone who "sins" or does stuff that they would never do.

That being said, we need to think long and hard about what we are teaching our children. Are we teaching them to be good, moral, and kind in their own strength? Are we communicating to them that in our eyes they don't, and will never, measure up? That they are a disappointment to us? Are we comparing our children, holding the "better behaved" ones up as "examples" for others to follow? As long as our goal as parents is to have "good" Christian kids, we will hang onto all sorts of behavior modification techniques to get them to behave the way we want them to. They will learn early on that to be acceptable, they just need to do what we tell them, when we tell them to. They will, I can guarantee, then becomes very outwardly good, or they will rebel. Either way, they will also be very judgmental, seeking their affirmation in the fact that they are better than at least some of their peers (yes, even the rebellious ones).

What we fail to do as parents is to look at the big picture of Scripture. It is the story of a perfect God who wanted people who could be in relationship with Him. These people betrayed His love in the garden. Ever since then, they have tried to find out "who they are" apart from him, from those around them. Then this wonderful, perfect God, filled with love for his runaway bride, died so that that relationship could be restored. And he wants those who have been redeemed to find their wholeness, their meaning, in Him. Are we presenting a portrait to our children of this incredible love and grace that God has given us? Or are we raising them to find their acceptance in good behavior? God knew something that we fail to realize: genuine love invites people, including children, into relationship where they are perfectly accepted based on no merit of their own.

Donald Miller aptly states: "It makes you feel that as a parent the most important thing you can do is love your kids, hold them and tell them you love them because, until we get to heaven, all we can do is hold our palms over the wounds. I mean, if a kid doesn't feel he is loved, he is going to go looking for it in all kinds of ways...Give a kid the feeling of being loved early, and they will be better at negotiating that other stuff when they get older. They won't fall for anything stupid, and they won't feel a kind of desperation all the time in their souls. It is no coincidence that Jesus talks endlessly about love. Free love. Unconditional love." (Searching For God Knows What). I would add that we should invite them to walk in a love relationship with their Heavenly Father, who knows all their needs, and loves them.

When I look into the loving eyes of my Father, when I cling to His unconditional grace towards me, all haughtiness melts away. I am defined by Him, found in Him. Nothing can separate me from His love. Our children should grow up with the security of unconditional love. We need to invite them to partake of a relationship with God together with us.

Only Trust Him

2010-06-29T12:42:00.000-07:00

I love formula-free parenting! It's opposite is guilt-induced and fear-directed parenting.

It is so neat to wake up each day, and trust God as I take each step. It is easy sometimes when I am reading a book to little man instead of washing the pile of dishes in the sink to think that I am "wasting" my time. What a lie from Satan!!! It is easy when I am taking care of my son's needs, whether they be mental, physical, or emotional, to wonder how I will ever finish the never-ending list of household chores. But when I choose to trust God, to invest in my son, and not to worry, my tasks get completed without sacrificing my son's needs, and I don't even know how I managed to do it all.

Let us endure in trusting Him each day over the lies of the enemy.

Before Whom Are We Parenting?

2010-06-19T08:58:00.000-07:00

New Christian parents are on display, especially in churches. Whether or not it is true, they often feel as though they are being evaluated based on the behavior of their children. It is tempting to try to force children to behave so that other Christians think that our family is "Christ-like."

I had a funny thought the other day. Imagine if we evaluated God and His parenting skills based on the behavior of His children? How many Christians are there who are blatantly living in sin, or just living life as though God doesn't exist....while God patiently and graciously deals with them, inviting them back into His arms, the Prodigal's Father? He is so fixed in His character, so confident in His authority, that He allows us, His children, to be poor reflectors of Him sometimes...because He is patiently wooing us, training us, knocking on our door, seeking to dine with us. He is SLOW to anger, ABOUNDING in lovingkindness towards us.

What if we evaluated God's parenting skills by the way Jesus' disciples acted? They were often so foolish and immature! How many times have I found comfort in the fact that Jesus' disciples behaved the way I so often do, and yet Jesus was patient and gracious with them? If Jesus had treated His disciples the way most Christian parents treat their kids, here are some things he would have said to them: "You guys are bringing shame to my name! You need to start acting like you're more mature! Why can't you guys just grow up?! Shame on you!" Here is what He would have done when they acted foolishly and sinfully and faithlessly: "I am going to have to punish you for that! You deserve it! I am doing it for your own good, so that you will act better in the future!" Did he do this ever, even once??? What did Jesus ask of His disciples? Did He ask good behavior of them? NO! He said simply, "Follow Me." He called them to Himself, to learn from Him. He taught them, taught them, taught them, over and over. And He loved them. When He returned to heaven, He promised them that He would send the Holy Spirit, who would guide them and be with them all the time.

We parent before God, not before people. This realization has been so good for me! Immature behavior does not scare me or embarrass me...I expect it. I welcome it as a teaching opportunity, and more than that, as an opportunity to extend unconditional love and grace, an opportunity to walk by the Spirit, to draw the patience, gentleness, kindness, self-control that I need from my Father. I know that my little man will not be able to actually "do good" until the Holy Spirit lives in him and works through him, and furthermore, he is a child who does not understand things like an adult can. My husband and I talk often about how much we are just enjoying our son as he grows up because we are not worried about his behavior, and we have chosen to let go of what others may think because we love our son, and we want him to readily accept Christ and to see that this Christ, who died for his sins, doesn't require anything from him but a life walk of dependence and trust.

Saw this video, and wanted to shout yes from the rooftops. :-)

2010-06-15T18:21:00.001-07:00

Click here to enjoy it, too.

I'd love to hear your comments/feedback.

Motivating Good Behavior

2010-06-10T10:51:00.000-07:00

I took Aydon to the doctor yesterday for his two year checkup (two months too late, but asi es la vida).

I was very nervous because our last doctor visit, at 18 months, was a disaster. I recall that I cringed as Aydon screamed and fought his way off the scale and pushed the nurse's hand away when she tried to take his temperature. I endured more crying as we waited for the doctor in a tiny room...luckily, he decided nursing would comfort him, finally, and he calmed down. I realized that he was just so scared and didn't realize what was going on. That was at 18 months.

This time around, I decided to "play" doctor with Aydon before we left the house for the appointment. First, we used the thermometer. I explained that it would tell me if he was sick or not as we put it under his arm. I let him hold the thermometer and examine it. We practiced what it would be like to be laid on the scale and measured (I'm not sure when they start letting him stand on the scale? but anyways...). We practiced several times, and I had him tell me the steps before I acted them out. I told him that then we would see the doctor, who would check his ears, mouth, etc. I told him that he would get one shot that would hurt a little bit. After all of this, he was super excited, LOL.

And....the appointment went swimmingly! He laid so calmly on the scale. He waited while the nurse took his temperature. He glared suspiciously at the pediatrician, but relaxed as the checkup progressed...he even gave the ped (who is incidentally very good with Aydon) five when he left. The shot wasn't fun...but it was over very fast...and the tears dried up quickly, with no hyperventilating.

Of course, I also made sure that he was well fed before the appointment, so no low blood sugar came into play. And all children are different, and all ages are different, so I may have to try something new to keep doctor's visits successful, but I was so excited about this appointment.

I realize how amazing being proactive is to motivate good behavior. It is so true that kids who feel good, usually act good.

This is just one small proof that rewards and punishments are not the best tools to motivate behavior. I have seen parents bribe their children at the doctor's office: "If you behave, you can have candy." The problem with this is that if the child misbehaves, the reward goes out the window, and the child no longer has a reason to behave. I have seen so many desperate parents pretend not to notice misbehavior so that they can still dangle the reward in front of their child...also diminishing the effect of the reward. I have also heard parents use the threat: "If you don't behave, you are going to get it." I have seen said parents pinch, slap, and yell at their misbehaving children during the appointment. This is also rarely effective...the parents are usually not consistent (perhaps they use empty threats or have too many children, perhaps they really don't want to inflict pain on their child but don't know what else to do). These parents are almost always at odds with their children, and leave the appointment at their wits end.

Another reason that rewards and punishments don't work is that these fail to address the underlying causes of the misbehavior: too often the children are tired, hungry, fearful, and/or bored, and the parents are not willing to stand up and actively, gently, firmly steer their children in the right direction, reassure them, or just hold and cuddle them. Now, as a mom who has held onto a screaming 18 month old during an appointment, I am not judging these parents. But I do wish that they realized that their toolbox could exclude bribery and threats and punishments. Although my 18 month old screamed, I held him, cuddled him, endured embarrassment. I do not have any regrets about dealing with him harshly, trying to coerce him when he was just incredibly fearful.

I am happy that my heavenly Father does not deal with me using rewards and punishments either. It is His love that lead me to repentance, His always open arms that draw me to Him. He is not embarrassed by my childishness, and longs to meet all of my needs.

Gentle Discipline

2010-06-04T20:47:00.000-07:00

A fellow mommy put "Gentle Discipline" into beautiful words...Click here to read her thoughts.

I was thinking about "Bear Hugs" tonight. This is my term for "The Five Steps" tool. I think it is amazing at teaching toddlers how to have self-control. With Aydon I have used a condensed version: "You need to stop kicking the wall" (he was doing this at bedtime tonight). Then, when kicking did not stop after a repeated warning, "You need Mommy to help you stop kicking the wall," and holding him close and tight until he calms down. The funniest thing was that after I helped him, he was laying there holding his teddy bear, telling it, "Teddy bear no kick wall, Mail Man no kick wall, Daddy no kick wall...etc.". So cute! When he is a little older, I will extend the length of the script, and ask if he needs help as detailed in the five steps.

Teaching Toddlers About God

2010-06-02T19:11:00.000-07:00

Something that has been on my mind a lot lately is what to teach Aydon about God. I've been thinking about how child development fits into the picture of my teaching. The Bible urges us to always be talking to our children about God, when we wake up, when we play, when we lie down.

I think that something that is different between children and adults is that children, especially little ones, will accept anything their parents tell them as true. They don't need proof; they just accept it. They also have overactive imaginations, and cannot understand everything the way that we understand it. When Ryan (my husband) was a little boy, his church showed a series of end-time videos. He did not understand the context of these videos, and for many years he had a terror that birds would attack him and peck his eyes out (this was on the videos).

Sometimes without meaning to, we try to "scare" children into heaven. We tell them how bad they are. We pound into them that they will go to hell if they don't believe in Jesus. This sort of emphasis with young children can cause them to have intense fear that if they don't really see how terrible they are, they will never be able to trust in Jesus for salvation.

Have you ever noticed that when the gospel is shared in the Bible, the focus is always on Christ and what He did and how that was enough to save us? When Paul reminds the Corinthians of the gospel in 1 Corinthians 15:3-8 the focus is on Christ and what He did! Now, that is not to say that the Spirit does not use the law to convict us of our sins so that we see our need for Christ. I think that an understanding of God's law is essential for us because that is what shows us our brokenness. But I think that the way we share the gospel with our wee children might look different than the way we share the gospel with our children as they grow older. The gospel message should always stay the same, of course: Christ died for our sins. Accepting his death on our behalf is the only way for us to enter heaven and for us to have a relationship with God.

Aydon is a two year old. He believes what I say. When I say that Jesus died for our sins because He loves us more than we could imagine, Aydon believes it. Right now, that is my focus. It is on Christ and what He did.

Another thing that I am teaching Aydon is that there is a right and there is a wrong. Hitting is wrong, for example. As Aydon grows, I will teach him more and more rights and wrongs. (As an aside, this does not mean that I have to make him feel bad for doing wrong, just that I need to teach him. Furthermore, I need to be careful not to deceive him into thinking that when he acts "good," he is more acceptable. My acceptance of him/love for him should never change. I deal with him through the eyes of grace. The Bible says that even our righteousnesses are as filthy rags.) These rights and wrongs will help him to understand what sin is, and why Jesus had to die for sin. It is important to remember, though, that while I teach him what right and what wrong is, it is God's spirit who will work in his heart.

Finally, I am teaching Aydon who God is. I teach him that God made everything we see outside. I teach him that He made us. I tell him that God is everywhere, and that God knows all things. I instruct him that God is more powerful than anyone. I teach him that God is equally loving and fair. I tell him the story of Adam and Eve.

Again, toddlers believe what their parents tell them. We need to think about the picture we are portraying for them of who God is through both our words and our actions. Are we showing them a God who loves them so deeply that He was willing to die for them, or are we inadvertently telling them that God is scary and mean, ready to destroy them if they make one misstep? As they mature and begin to ask "why" questions, they will want to know things like why there is only one way to heaven. They will ask why Jesus had to die for their sins; why that was the only acceptable payment. We can share with them stories of how before Christ an animal always had to die for someone's sin, but now that Christ has come there is no further sacrifice necessary.

As we teach our children, we need to keep in mind that God created human beings with a will because He wanted us to freely choose Him. He did not want us to be like robots, forced to trust Him. While God gave the law to show us our sinfulness, He has never and will never use scare tactics to get us to trust in Him for salvation.We need to look to God for discernment as we teach our children spiritual truth; we need to share this truth with them without inducing fear. Only God's spirit can give us wisdom in this matter.

Hypocrisy

2010-05-28T11:24:00.000-07:00

I am reading a freshly-written, poetic, thoughtful book by Donald Miller, Through Painted Deserts. I love Donald Miller's writing. He puts my thoughts into beautiful words, words that, like a butterscotch candy, I can taste long after I have read them. I am going to quote something he said that really makes me think:

"The rising question of why had been manifesting for some time, and had previously only been answered by Western Christianity's propositions of behavior modification. What is beauty? I would ask. Here are the five keys to a successful marriage, I would be given as an answer. It was as if nobody was listening to the question being groaned by all of creation, groaned through the pinings of our sexual tensions, our broken biochemistry, the blending of light and smog to make our glorious sunsets. I began to believe the Christian faith was a religious system invented within the human story rather than a series of true ideas that explained the story. Christianity was a pawn for politicians, a moral system to control our broken natures. The religion did seem to stem from something beautiful, for sure, but it had been dumbed down and Westernized. If it was a religious system that explained the human story, its adherents had lost the grandness of its explanation in exchange for its validation of their how lifestyles, to such a degree that the why questions seemed to be drowning in the drool of Pavlov's dogs...What does all of this mean? Are we animals nesting? Are we rats in a giant cage, none of us able to think outside our instincts, always getting me to my happiness, or is it larger, explaining the why of life, the how a shallow afterthought?"

Well said!

At the risk of making some sweeping generalizations, I will say that our culture finds meaning in outward appearances. If we can look successful, appear happy, and act religious, we are content. The why questions make us uncomfortable, relationship with a God who can't be fully understood makes us uncomfortable. Heaven forbid that we would ever be sad or struggle with depression. Heaven forbid that we would live without much. Heaven forbid that we would live from faith to faith, not having plans for what will come next.

We need to be careful about the messages we send to our children with our parenting. Are we teaching them that appearances are everything? Are we teaching them to hide their true selves because their true selves, their human struggling, sometimes hurting, sometimes angry, sometimes inexplicable selves make us uncomfortable? Are we teaching them that the "why's" of life don't matter? That there is no meaning to life beyond living day to day, earning money, owning a house?

Are we teaching them that: "Christianity was [is] a pawn for politicians, a moral system to control our broken natures." Our broken natures are broken. They can never be better, though they can be covered with outer shells of good behavior. We use behavior modification to teach our children to do this. We often teach our children to be wonderful hypocrites. We do this in many ways. We only smile and accept them when they appear to be lovable to us. We punish them when they do wrong, so, out of fear, they become sneaky, hiding their sin from us.

I propose that we teach our children that sin is sin, without shaming them. We need to love them even when they sin. Jesus did. He died on the cross while we were still dead in our sins. We need to teach them instead that they cannot fix themselves, that Jesus died so that they could be made new. We need to lead them to the cross where they can live tenderly covered in grace.

Growing Pains

2010-05-26T12:31:00.000-07:00

I read this the other day: "Kids go through developmental surges. You can mark it on your calendar. Somewhere around their birthday and their half birthday, you can expect trouble. They'll get cranky and uncooperative. They might be incapable of doing what they were able to do just a few weeks before. Nothing seems right. They're easily frustrated...Their inner systems are restructuring, creating a new, more complex way of understanding the world. Think of five building blocks. Stack them one on top of the other until you have a tower of five blocks. This is your five-year-old, his inner structure that controls how he sees the world and responds to it. It works well for him but as he nears his sixth birthday, changes begin to occur. A new block will be added to the structure, but it won't just be added to the top of the stack. Instead, the tower will come crashing down--it will disintegrate and a new structure with six blocks will be formed...It will be a totally different structure" (from Raising Your Spirited Child by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka).

I have definitely seen this in my little guy. Right now, he has reached a stage of equilibrium. He is happy with life. But we are coming out of a stage of disequilibrium and I know that soon enough we will enter a new stage of growth and change. God made it this way. He wants new human beings to enter this world as babies. He wired their brains so that they would slowly learn and begin to understand the world around them. This learning takes time.

Have you ever read in the gospels how Jesus interacted with children? At one point, Jesus' disciples were trying to shoo the children away from Jesus. I ask myself why? The children were probably being loud and noisy. Maybe a few of them were crying. The disciples thought that they were disrupting Jesus' ministry. Jesus responded with such kindness. "Let the little children come to me," he said. "Do not put a stumbling block in front of these children," he warned (this more literally means "Do not cause them to sin"). "Become like a child," he admonished. He turned everyone's attention to the children. How different this is than what we often hear today: "Make sure that your children don't affect your marriage. Make sure that children don't bother anyone; keep them quiet. If children misbehave, put an abrupt end to the misbehavior--usually, so that they don't embarrass you, the parent."

Children are learners. They have so much to learn. They have so much harsh reality to come to terms with as they grow older. If we can put ourselves into our child's shoes, and see things from their perspective, it will help immensely with our parenting. We will be more understanding, and we will know how to help them progress through their stages gently, kindly, and firmly.

Consequences, Part 2

2010-05-18T20:16:00.000-07:00

Parenting is about relationship. This should be a filter through which I see my little man. Little man, newly two, is a toddler, an explorer, one who is learning that his desires are not always the same as ours.

I am shocked at the advice most Christian parenting "gurus" give as to how to treat our children. Instead of looking at the whole of Scripture, and at who God is and how He deals with us, these gurus take a few verses from Scripture and build a whole doctrine around them. I challenge moms and dads to read the New Testament carefully, looking at the way that Christians are told to treat each other, and looking at how God deals with believers, as they strive to biblically parent their children.

I love reading through a whole book of the Bible when I read the Word of God. It keeps me from drawing wrong conclusions about verses because I see the big picture that said verses are couched in--it is all about context! Recently I read 2 Timothy. Paul urges Timothy to stand firm and to uphold sound doctrine. Interestingly, he does not say, "If people do not listen to you, go ahead and be really harsh and give them a piece of your mind. Whack them upside the head if you have to!" No, he says, "The Lord's bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged,with gentleness correcting those who are in opposition,if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading tothe knowledge of the truth,

and they may come to their senses and escape from the snare of the devil, having been held captive by him to do his will."

Gentleness. Am I correcting my toddler in a spirit of gentleness?

Not quarrelsome. How am I parenting? Am I drawing battle lines and engaging in useless power struggles that result in rifts in our relationship? Or do I view myself as my child's guide, standing beside him, helping him towards the goal in mind, with gentleness?

Kind to all. It is easy to be kind to people I only see every now and then, brothers and sisters in Christ. But be kind to my child? If my child cannot sleep at night, or wakes up cranky one day, or clingy, am I kind then? Do I step into my child's shoes and picture how I'd want to be treated in the same situation? Am I remembering that by responding to my child's needs kindly and empathetically I am laying a foundation of trust that will carry us through the many bumps in the road of parent/child relationship?

Patient when wronged. If my child disobeys or responds with disrespect, how do I respond in turn? Am I being patient, gently correcting, letting my child try again, realizing that he is just a child and sometimes needs the chance to do over, or sometimes just plain needs my help?

Able to teach. Am I so steeped in God's word that truth about Him shines out of me? That it flows out of my mouth freely?

When I am walking with God, these things will be true of me as a parent.

That being said, my toddler is learning, he needs me to train, to teach him. This needs to be with gentleness and patience, devoid of shame and punishment.

Consequences, though rarely needed, are there to enable my child to succeed and learn; they are in place for when he is unable to control himself. With my toddler, consequences are cause/effect, and should be natural. Toy gets thrown, toy goes bye-bye. When playing with measuring cups in the sink, if water gets dumped on counter, measuring cup is taken away, or sink time ends (this only happened once...little man has spent many happy days playing in the sink since then). When little man gets bigger: "you hit, you sit," but not as punishment, just as a chance to cool down.

Natural consequences are a teensy tiny part of my parenting with Aydon. Building relationship with him, helping him obey by walking through the steps with him if necessary (the way the Holy Spirit helps us), not backing him into corners, giving him warnings before transitions and always following through, but with kindness and gentleness, understanding if he is upset or angry about the follow through, letting him be human.

Ok, this makes it all sound so perfect...like a method that anyone could follow. I have tools that I use, but each day is different, and I need God's wisdom in dealing with each situation. More than that, parenting is not about some formula or technique, it is about building and maintaining a relationship with my child as I walk with God. I often fail! But the mistakes are reflective times for me; times for me to enjoy God's grace to me. They are times that I can look back on and think, "How could I have handled that more proactively to avoid the power struggle? I should have given him a transition time between activities. I should have followed through when he didn't listen, and helped him obey by coming alongside him, whispering in his ear, holding him close and walking him through the steps."

Grounded in Love

2010-05-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

Paul prays for the Ephesian believers: "...so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith; and that you, being rooted and grounded in love, may be able to comprehend with all the saints what is the breadth and length and height and depth, and to know the love of Christ which surpasses knowledge, that you may be filled up to all the fulness of God."

Christian motherhood finds its source, its beauty, its uniqueness, it sustenance, in Christ's love.

We cannot give our children love that we do not have. We cannot exhibit love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control unless our eyes are on Christ, unless we begin every day cuddled up in God's arms, listening to Him, drawing strength from His incomprehensible love for us. If we try to force this fruit of the spirit out, it will come out twisted and gnarled and corrupted. We will be gentle in one breath, and hateful in the next. We will run out of energy, and wind up depressed.

Paradoxically, when we have our eyes on Christ, when we bask in His unconditional love for us, He becomes love, joy, peace, patience, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control in us, and it flows naturally out of us to our children, to our husbands, to all others that we encounter.

Satan wants to deflate all mommas by focusing us on our behavior, by enslaving us to checklists of "good things that good moms always do".

Let's put our eyes on our risen Savior, who tenderly loves and cares for us. Let's let him nourish us daily so that we can nourish our precious little ones in turn. Let's turn our eyes to the author and finisher of our faith, and stop living in endless regrets and fears. Let's ask God to use us to touch our children's lives, but not worry about what that will look like.

May we be rooted and grounded in love, after all, that is, in the end, what helps all children flourish.

Drawing Closer

2010-05-09T19:28:00.000-07:00

"Today, the moment when I am most repelled by a child's behavior, that is my sign to draw the very closest to that child." --Ann Voskamp http://www.aholyexperience.com/

I read these words tearfully. This is how God loves on me! How often do I wallow in sinful thoughts and words, or cower in self-condemnation? And yet God, the Prodigal's father, is always there, arms open wide, drawing me to Himself, unrestrained love in His eyes. It is not God who causes me to struggle or suffer, it is myself! I always have the choice to run to Him, and I am always forgiven: no need to condemn myself or shame myself or hurt myself first...I can simply, boldly, approach the throne of grace.

I read these words, and the next day I had the chance to put them into practice. My normally happy little boy woke up feeling sick and acting very negative and grumpy. Where he normally is happy to comply with just about any request, this day was a "NO!" day for him. When the first "NO!" flew out of my son's mouth, my internal reaction was "NO...don't talk to mom like that" back. Instead of saying these words, I started to pray. Then, like a gentle whisper, I heard, "Today, the moment when I am most repelled by a child's behavior, that is my sign to draw the very closest to that child." This would be a day for me to give a little of the grace I had been given.

So, the next time my grumpy little guy said "NO!" I scrunched up my face, and in a very silly voice said "NO!" and giggled. He stopped in his tracks and looked at me quizzically. "No!" he repeated, more softly this time. "NO!" I said again, scrunching my face and giggling. Two more repeats, and then, my baby boy was giggling himself. "Come here and let mommy give you a hug," I said, arms open wide. Diapered bottom waddling, my sweetie bounced into my arms.

The day was not perfect after this. My little boy even had a few meltdowns before I was able to tuck him in for an early bedtime. But I saw every issue that day as a chance for me to give a little love, to extend a little grace. Instead of climbing into bed that night a frazzled grumpy mess myself, I laid my head on my pillow rejoicing because I had an opportunity to practice what God does for me every day.

I also had a chance to watch my husband practice grace with my little boy that day, and it warmed my heart. We are selling our house, and there was a showing that day. My husband asked our little guy to put away his toy vacuum cleaner. What do you think little guy did? He said "NO!" and threw a whopper of a tantrum. My husband had just woken up (he works nights and sleeps through the day), so he was caught off guard by our son's behavior. But this is how he reacted:

"What's wrong, Aydon?" stated in a tender, kind voice.

"Waaahhhh...no!" Aydon says.

"He's doing his silly no thing," I explain to dad. Tantrum stops.

Dad asks, "Aydon, would you like to put the vacuum cleaner away by yourself, or would you like me to do it with you?"

Aydon says, "Ayna do it," and happily picks up the vacuum cleaner and puts it in his room.

Why%20the%20Kids%20Really%20Need%20A%20Little%20Red%20Hen%20Mama....

2010-05-09T10:35:00.000-07:00

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Consequences, Part 1: "Families Where Grace Is In Place"

2010-05-07T19:07:00.000-07:00

Families Where Grace Is In Place by Jeff VanVonderen

Excellent Book!! Agreed with almost everything in it, which is incredible, because I usually enjoy only about 10% of most "Christian" books. I am going to post some excerpts from the book on consequences.

"Control, Influence, and Empowerment"

"There is a tremendous difference in what results when you attempt to control your children's behavior, and when you empower them to control their own. The first path leads to disempowerment. The second leads to empowerment. The first to external compliance; the second to wise decision-making. The first to living out of fear; the second to living out of fullness."

"Compliance vs. Obedience"

"Compliance with external pressure means a child has been squeezed into a mold; it is being conformed from the outside/in. Obedience is about learning to live consistent on the outside with what God is doing on the inside."

"The Purpose of Consequences"

"Do not give consequences in order to threaten children into acting the way you want them to. I have noticed that people who grow up in families or churches with 'punishing mindsets' have difficulty experiencing forgiveness as a gift. They seem to have a need to earn forgiveness by paying for or making up for what they did. Jesus Christ has already taken the punishment for all of our wrong behavior."

"Do not give consequences in order to threaten children into acting the way you want them to. People who do this are trying to control their children's behavior by simply teaching them to act in ways that avoid pain. At best, this promotes compliance and people-pleasing, not wise decision-making..."

"Do give your children consequences in order to teach about behavior...You can spend your energy trying to keep track of, control, and fix your children through bribes, threats, and sermons. Or you can spend your energy discovering and implementing consequences from which your children can learn about the wisdom of their choices and their ability to make good ones. Children can learn as much from disobeying and receiving wise consequences as they can from obeying."

"Do allow your children to experience the natural consequences of their behavior."

"You Must Follow Through"

"Learn to Ask Yourself the Inside Questions"

"...Which need are they trying to meet with this behavior?..."

More thoughts on consequences to come....

Parenting by Grace: D. L. Moody

2010-05-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

There is a story that Paul Moody tells about his father, Reverend Dwight Moody. Paul unwittingly stayed up past his bedtime and his father curtly ordered him to bed. Here are some excerpts from the story:

"This time I retreated immediately and in tears, for it was an almost unheard-of thing that he should speak with such directness or give an order unaccompanied by a smile. But I had barely gotten into my little bed before he was kneeling beside it in tears and seeking my forgiveness for having spoken so harshly. He never, he said, intended to speak crossly to one of his children."

Later, Paul spoke of the impact his father's kindness had on him:

"Half a century must have passed since then and while it is not the earliest of my recollections I think it is the most vivid, and I can still see that room in the twilight and that large bearded figure with the great shoulders bowed above me, and hear the broken voice and the tenderness in it. I like best to think of him that way. Before then and after I saw him holding the attention of thousands of people, but asking the forgiveness of his unconsciously disobedient little boy for having spoken harshly seemed to me then and seems now a finer and a greater thing, and to it I owe more than I owe to any of his sermons. For to this I am indebted for an understanding of the meaning of the Fatherhood of God, and a belief in the love of God had its beginnings that night in my childish mind."

D. L. Moody's other son, William, said this about his father:

"In his home, grace was the ruling principle and not law, and the sorest punishment of a child was the sense that the father's loving heart had been grieved by waywardness or folly."

Parenting through the eyes of grace communicates peace and hope to our children. Grace does not turn a blind eye on sin. But it offers forgiveness through Christ. Grace makes Christ central, law makes "me" central; it focuses on my behavior.

I will teach my son what God requires in His law. But I will not raise him to be hopelessly introspective by punishing him when he does not meet those requirements. None of us can follow God's law in ourselves. I dare anyone to try. It will only lead need to intense discouragement. I will teach my son that he is a sinner, but I will simultaneously point him to Christ as his only hope. It is not my job to make sure he feels so ashamed as to see his need for a Savior; for the Holy Spirit is in the world to convict the world...and that includes my son.

Like D.L. Moody's children saw through his parenting, I want my little boy to see in his daddy and I the grace towards him that God so freely bestows on us, his parents. I want him to boldly approach the throne of his Father God because Jesus paid his sin-debt, and he has no need to feel shame or suffer.

Grace is terrifying. Raising my son through the eyes of grace is equally terrifying. But I want my son to freely trust and walk with His heavenly Father. I want him to choose right, not because he fears punishment, but because His heavenly Father loves him dearly.

Every night as I lay my son in bed, I place my hands on his sleeping body, and ask God to reveal Himself to him. I ask God to convict him of his sins. I ask God to woo him. Raising my son through grace forces me to trust God...and how wonderful it is to rest in the love of my heavenly Father for my tender little boy!

Little Man

2010-05-03T20:45:00.000-07:00

Little man, you are the sun in my sky.

When I watch you run "round and round," as you say, for endless minutes, I beam.

When you tell your little joke, "booby mommy, booby daddy, booby gama, booby bed, booby dumpa tuck," over and over, your daddy and I laugh uproariously, over and over. You're funnier than any comedian on his best day.

The discordant din of the coffee grinder sends you catapulting into my arms. "It's all right," I reassure you, "it is just daddy making coffee." Your rigid body gels as you climb off my lap and waddle into the kitchen to investigate. I hope you always know that you are safe with me.

Your newest demonstration of deep feeling is to open your mouth wide and let out an angry "eeoooow." This afternoon, inexplicably, you bristled at mommy when your leapfrog toy malfunctioned. "Eeoooww," you cried, stomping over to daddy, pointing in my direction. "That makes you so mad!" I exclaimed. And then, inexplicably, you giggled.

At bedtime, your aquamarine eyes drooped as we trudged through the book about the little caput who gets very hungry and eats ice cream cones and chocolate cake. "Do you like chocolate cake?" I ask. "Mmm, hmmm," you sigh. I kiss your satin cheeks.

God, thank you for my little man. After all, it was You who placed the sun in my sky.

Gleanings from Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

2010-04-30T11:20:00.000-07:00

I just finished reading the book Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka. Though she is not a "Christian" author, I thought that the ideas/thoughts in this book were more along the lines of how a Christian parent should deal with his/her child than most "Christian" parenting books I've read.

"Together we've gone below the surface to the feelings and needs that can fuel power struggles. And it is there in the depths of those emotions that you have discovered your child is not out to get you. Your child is experiencing a feeling or need and doesn't know how to express it respectfully. You can teach him." (Epilogue)

This quote summarizes the thesis of the book. For some reason, many Christian parents worry that their child is trying to take advantage of them...they worry that if they tune into their child in order to work with them that they will soon have a little Hitler. I've noticed that what creates little dictators in the home is parents who aren't willing to teach their children, and correct and guide them. I've also noticed, though, that parents who suppress and smother their children's feelings (especially tantrums) rather than addressing them, often have outwardly well-behaved kids, but when these kids reach their teenage years and realize that their parents can no longer control them, they become "big dictators".

From this book, I learned about different temperaments that children may have. They may be introverted or extroverted. They may be "thinkers," or they may be "feelers." Once you find out what your child is generally like, you can tune into their needs as expressed by their outward behavior. You can teach them to respond to situations that frustrate them/make them angry in appropriate ways. You can stop many tantrums/power struggles before they even start because you understand your child better. As the author aptly states,"In order to be open to your guidance your child has to be able to trust that you will hear his feelings such as sadness, disappointment, frustration, hunger, fear, and fatigue and respond in a warm predictable way that is in tune with his signals. A sense of trust is the foundation of all healthy relationships. If your child cannot trust you, he cannot allow you to have power over him." Later she adds, "Trust implies a firm belief and confidence in the honesty, integrity, reliability, and justice of another person. A synonym for trust is faith. Faith is unquestioning belief, as in, Children usually have faith in their parents." (pg. 91) Wow!!! Isn't that why we obey God, too?

This book has helped me to think more about who Aydon is as a person. He has a huge personal space bubble. If someone (even his dad or I) gets too close when he is tired or emotionally intense, he can hardly control the urge to hit. I have been teaching him to say, "no" instead, verbalizing for him how he feels, "you don't like it if I come too close to you, just say 'no'" and mommy will stop". Ryan and I have been working on inviting him to cuddle with us/hug us if he wants to, but respecting his choice. An exception to this, of course, is when we are doing "get off your butt parenting (http://goybparenting.com/)," and helping him obey us by taking his hand or picking him up...but we are still careful not to overpower him while still being firm and standing by what we say...

I have also noticed that Aydon tends to "dawdle." While this is a characteristic of this age, Aydon tends to this more than some kids. I have really been thinking about the dawdling. What causes it? I decided to observe Aydon closely when he dawdled yesterday. Often, he dawdles because he sees something that is very interesting...the dawdling is more because he gets distracted and he is a thinker, so he really studies anything of interest to him. So, I need to work with him. If there is a reason why I don't want him to dawdle, then I need to tell him something like, "I know that looks interesting to you, but we have to hurry home this time....you can look at cars out the window while we are driving." Or I need to think before I just issue a command like "come," so that I can say that when he is not distracted or warn him that I am about to say "come" in order to set him up for success. More importantly, I need to plan on taking longer during our excursions so that he has time to observe and think and play and be.

Finally, Aydon is definitely a "feeler." He wants us to be happy with each other. He doesn't like it if someone is sad. He wants to please us and make us happy. This means that I need to make sure that he doesn't think I like him only when he is good. I need to avoid phrases like "good boy" because we are all born sinners, and I don't want him to ever think that his acceptance by us or by God is based on his behavior. Children who are "thinkers" respond better to crisp, firm rules because they appreciate logic over emotion. These are the children who will ask their parents "why" about everything when they get older. Ironically, my hubby is exactly half feeler and half thinker, so our children could be both.

I think it is important for me to not try to fit Aydon into a mold, while at the same time, to study him and to learn his personality so that I can set him up for success; so that I can build a relationship of trust (which also leads to "honor," part of what older Christian children are instructed to do in the Bible); so that he is free to become the unique person that God made him to be and not a robot; so that he is able to stand firm against the bad ideas of his peers because he knows that he can say "no" when something makes him uncomfortable!

I would definitely recommend this book to any parent who wants to get to know their child better...it really helps in understanding how to raise your unique child effectively, and how to avoid many situations that become power struggles...

2010-04-28T19:48:00.000-07:00

Bye-Bye, Baby

I didn't plan to release you until you were eighteen.

But you had other plans.

I perceived your departure when I awoke early that morning.

I feared it as I frolicked with your blue-eyed brother in the green green grass.

I dreaded it as we gingerly mixed the batter for delicate banana muffins.

I comprehended it when the virile fire blazed in my womb.

My body discharged you and I was not ready. In the still hours of the early morning, I dreamed of meeting you. I fancied you would have green eyes like your daddy.

My nose burned to breathe in your delicate scent.

If only I could have a moment to listen to your lusty new-baby voice, or to nuzzle your tiny butterfly lips to my milk-laden breast! But God knows that then I would hold onto you forever.

I guess you couldn't linger in my womb when Jesus was singing your name, summoning you home.

Someday I will meet you.

My eyes will soak in your wee body, knit together by God's gentle hands as you soared to heaven on that cool February day.

I love you, sweetheart. Remember that as you giggle in Jesus' arms.

Teaching Without Provoking Part 2

2010-04-27T09:14:00.000-07:00

A sweet little boy is throwing a softball around outside. Suddenly, unexpectedly, it sails towards a neighbor's window. Crash! The little boy dashes into the safety of his own house. Even though the broken window was an accident, he is too afraid to tell his parents what happened... Inevitably, his parents find out. They confront him about the broken window. They explain to him that although it was an accident, he needs to go apologize to the neighbor and offer to pay for the shattered windowpane. This is very hard for the little boy. He doesn't want to tell the neighbor what he has done! How embarrassing! He would rather that his parents just punish him, and then take care of the mess for him. It is hard to face up to his problems!

This is a story that my husband recounted to me from his childhood. Though it was hard, he says that confronting the neighbor and paying for the broken window was one of his best childhood learning experiences.

As Christian parents, we mistakenly believe that the best way to teach our children is to punish them. Unfortunately, most Christians think that discipline is synonymous with punishment. Discipline actually has a very positive meaning in the New Testament. It comes from the Greek word paideia, which according to the Analytical Lexicon of the Greek New Testament, means, "(1) active, of rearing and guiding a child toward maturity training, instruction, discipline (HE 12.11); as including Christian discipline and instruction (EP 6.4)." The word paideia is not always translated as discipline, as in 2 Timothy 2:24-25, where it is translated "correction." These verses read, "The Lord's bond-servant must not be quarrelsome, but be kind to all, able to teach, patient when wronged,with gentleness correcting [disciplining] those who are in opposition, if perhaps God may grant them repentance leading tothe knowledge of the truth." Some versions also translate the word discipline in certain places as "nurture." Discipline is supposed to teach, to train, to guide towards maturity.

Punishment does none of this; it merely makes a person suffer and pay for what he/she has done wrong. Sure, after being punished over and over for the same offense, a child may no longer repeat the offense, but the child's motivation to do right is fear of punishment, not his/her relationship with you or with God. The best illustration of that fact in the Bible is this: God sent Jesus to take our punishment for us so that we could have a fear-less relationship with Him! 1 John 4:17-18 says this: By this, love is perfected with us, so that we may have confidence in the day of judgment; because as He is, so also are we in this world. There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love. Shouldn't our children grow up knowing what it means to walk in relationship with someone who loves them unconditionally? Do we want them to honor and obey us out of fear or out of a love relationship?

In the story about my husband, he learned to take responsibility for his actions. This is because his parents used a logical consequence to teach him. I think that natural/logical cause/effect type consequences are an excellent way to teach our children without punishing them. My husband and I recently read and enjoyed a book called Families Where Grace Is In Place by Jeff VanVonderen. In the book, VonVonderen differentiates between punishments and consequences in this way: "When the process of discipline takes place in a grace-full context, consequences are given to enable children to learn about life... By punishment I mean making people pay for their behaviors as a way to obtain right standing." Later on, he states that "A grace-full family is a place where people can do the job of learning to live without the fear of losing love and acceptance if the job gets too messy."

We are just on the road to learning what it means to raise our son without using fear or intimidation through punishment. When we began studying what discipline really meant in Scripture, and we began to look at how our Heavenly Father deals graciously with us as a model for raising our son, we felt so free! There will be many bumps along the way, I am sure, and we are not perfect, but we are so excited to teach our son!

Teaching Without Provoking Part 1

2010-04-23T13:52:00.000-07:00

How does God treat me when I sin? Does He hover over me, scream at me, smack me, or exclaim, "I have poured so much into you, you ungrateful child! How could you do that??" Conversely, does He ignore what I did, roll his eyes, and shrug his shoulders, saying "I just don't know what to do with her. No matter how many times I tell her not to do that, she just keeps on."

He does neither. With eyes full of love, devoid of judgment or wrath (after all, this was poured out on Christ for us), He tenderly convicts me and invites me to admit (confess) that I am wrong. He uses the Spirit and His word to do this. Sometimes, if I am being especially stubborn, He steps out of the way and lets me experience the nasty fruits of sin (broken relationships, hurt to myself, etc). When I am living in sin, the sinful nature controls me, and I live as though I am not a beloved daughter, but an orphan, cutting off my fellowship with Him, though His arms are every openly extended towards me.

I recently read a study on Ephesians 6:4. The verse reads, "And, fathers, do not provoke your children to anger." I believe that this applies to me as a mom as well as to my hubby. There are three types of anger in the Bible. One is "thumas," meaning explosive anger. This is the kind that results from living in my flesh and is sinful. Another type of anger is "orgay," and it is used in the Ephesians 4:26 when it says, "Be angry, and yet do not sin...". This type of anger, then, is not necessarily sinful, but depending on what I do about it, could become sinful. The third type, which is used in Ephesians 6:4, is "perigismos." This means "seething hostility." This is what we are supposed to avoid provoking in our children. If I deal with my son harshly and judgmentally when he does wrong and try to control his every action, he will bury his anger towards me deep down inside. If I ignore my son, and never move to correct him, he will feel neglected, and this could also lead to seething hostility.

Learning to not provoke my son when I teach or correct him is a case by case process. Sometimes I mess up. Then I realize that I cannot parent out of my own strength and wisdom.

My husband and I have been so amazed, however, to see that lovingly helping our son obey, while requiring a lot of work, pays off--our relationship remains intact; seething hostility is avoided. We ate supper at a very relaxed outdoor restaurant yesterday, and being that our son wasn't very hungry, we created a playspace for him to run around in. One section of the space was blockaded by chairs, which of course he wanted to escape through. Now, we could have hovered over him, smacked him or intimidated him to stay within his area. Or, we could have decided that it was too much work to enforce the boundary and let him run wild. Instead, we gently grabbed his hand each time he attempted to escape, and redirected him to the area where he could play. Pretty soon, he quit trying to escape and stayed within his area.

Sometimes when we correct our kids this way, they will have an outburst of anger. This is different than seething hostility. Aydon does sometimes. We still hold him to the standard, but with empathy: rubbing his back, saying, "you are angry because of ...., but you have to obey mommy and daddy," holding him firmly and kindly if necessary. We choose not to worry about the judgmental looks of some people, because our relationship with our son is worth it. After all, we Christians sometimes throw month-long tantrums when God tries to teach us, yet He continually chooses to deal graciously with His children.

The Parable of the Unmerciful Servant

2010-04-21T10:47:00.000-07:00

Imagine owing millions of dollars to someone and not being able to pay it back. What would you do when the person to whom you owe the money decides to collect on his loan? What if you were a servant, and the only way to repay the loan was to be sold into slavery, along with your wife and children and all of your possessions? Most likely, you would resort to the only alternative you have left: humble yourself and plead for mercy. That is what happened to the servant in Matthew 18:23-35, who owed his master ten thousand talents, the equivalent of millions of dollars.

When I was reading this parable a few weeks ago, I couldn't help but see the parallelism between this indebted servant and myself. God is my Creator; He longs to have a relationship with me. But He is perfectly righteous, and cannot be near sin. And I am definitely a sinner! I have broken God's holy laws time and again. The Bible says that "the wages of sin is death." Like the debtor, I cannot pay these wages. I am utterly dependent on God's mercy. Thank you, Jesus, for coming to earth and paying my sin-debt for me with your death on the cross!

Like God, the master in the parable showed mercy to his servant and forgave him his debt. But did the servant mirror this forgiveness to those around him? No! Instead, he turned around and began to choke another servant who owed him a mere 100 talents (one talent is equal to about sixteen cents). The other servant begged for mercy: "Have patience with me and I will repay you." Did the forgiven servant have mercy now? Again, no! He threw the man into prison to force him to pay back what was owed. I can't help but think about how impossibly frustrating this situation must have felt to the imprisoned debtor--after all, how can you make money in prison?

When word of this injustice reached the master's ears, he, "moved with anger, handed him over to the torturers until he should repay all that was owed him."

This parable is about forgiveness. Jesus concludes his story by telling his disciples, "So shall My heavenly Father also do to you, if each of you does not forgive his brother from your heart." As always, He wanted His disciples to understand that His requirements for them superseded the law of Moses. He wanted them to see their deep need for His strength to be able to forgive each other in this manner.

So how does this apply to parenting? We Christian mommies and daddies have been forgiven everything by our master. He suffered and died in our place, taking the punishment for our sins upon himself. How dare we, then, turn around and deal harshly with our children when they sin!

Our job is to gently correct, admonish, guide, and teach them as we point them to the cross. This is discipline! While we are teaching our children right from wrong, it is not our job to make them suffer for their sins, so that they will see just how bad they really are. In an attitude of humility and empathy, we can teach them that sin has intrinsic consequences. But, praise be to God, that while we are doing this, we can be pointing them to the cross, where Jesus took their punishment!

As we parent, we must continually walk by the Spirit. We must be in prayer for our children, that God will work on their hearts. The job of the Spirit is to woo, illuminate, and convict our children. And as we walk by the Spirit, his fruit, "love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control" will be evident.

If we have an attitude of reliance on God while we parent, if we are walking in His grace, as debtors who have been forgiven much, our parenting will serve as a model for our children of relationship. It will prepare them to someday have a relationship with a Father who loves them dearly and wants to know them. It will keep them from having the baggage that shame naturally brings because, rather than learning hopelessness by having to continuously "pay" for their own sins over and over again, they will have formed a habit of looking to Jesus' payment for their sins from a young age.

It is my desire in this blog to share with others that parenting in grace is a wonderfully freeing experience. I want to share my ups and downs. I am not a perfect mother, and I am so happy I'm not, because then I would never rely on God's wisdom to reach my child's heart. My goal as a momma is not to have a perfect child. I want my child to grow into a grace-relationship with God that is honest, deep, and real.