It is about time I blog. Yes, I DID say that I was going to reformat my blog, and I am still going to do that! I appreciate all of yall's patience. Hubby and I ordered a new camera, so I am hoping to start adding pictures to the blog. But that is not the biggest change--we are going to be moving our little family to Bolivia in May!
I am so excited to continue sharing with you all my parenting journey from Bolivia! In January, when a mission organization known as DM2 (begun by my dad) asked us to go to Bolivia as missionaries, we deliberated for a long time. It is HARD to consider uprooting your children to a place where there are infectious diseases, where other children speak a completely different language, where there are no libraries with free programs and fun books. BUT, we decided that bringing our children along on a journey of extreme faith in a FAITHFUL God would indeed be a priceless gift for our little ones. And when we think of what we want our children to be one day: men and women of confident faith, who love and serve others, going to Bolivia and ministering to fellow believers there, sharing grace with them, is SO EXCITING!
So, hopefully you all will bear with me, and continue to follow my blog amidst sporadic postings. We will make our move in May, so I may not have many posts that month, but in the months to follow, I plan to post at least twice a month, as we will have some internet access.
God be with you with you all this week! Keep looking to Him for wisdom as you parent!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Dear Child of God
Dear Mommas and Poppas, when was the last time you sinned? How many of you have a habitual sin that you do over and over, even though you know you shouldn't? How many of you act on an unkind, angry impulse on occasion, only to deeply regret your actions afterward?
It would be dishonest of me to tell you that I, a redeemed daughter of God, do not struggle with sin.
And how does my Father respond?
The first thing my Father does, because of His Son's sacrifice, is to draw me to Himself. He does not abandon me. He does not turn His face away from me in disgust, though my sin is vile, and it reaps a rotten harvest.
Yes, there is no denying that sin brings despair and corruption. Like that time I was angry and yelled at my husband: a rift formed in our relationship, my children became insecure, I felt sick and hopeless.
But when we sin, because of Jesus, anytime we choose to, we can call out to God, to our Abba, Father, and He will meet us where we are at. We do not have to cower in fear, terrified of what consequence He might impose on us for the terrible destruction we have wrought, because, don't you see, child? Sin brings death, misery, ugliness.
Yet, Jesus is our Redeemer. He is our hope in the midst of our despair.
It is a beautifully crafted lie of the Deceiver which says that when we are tangled up in our messes, the only way out is for God to come after us with a whip, for Him to make us pay for what we have done before our relationship with Him can be restored.
Dear parent, every time you spank or punish your little child for his or her often impulsive, often unintended, wrongdoing, you are giving your child a graphic, very misleading, picture of the way that God deals with His children.
The picture is this: When you do wrong, God uses His hand to hurt you. Yes, He inflicts purposeful pain on you. (hmm...doesn't that sound a bit like God is sitting up in heaven, concocting various consequences that will hurt enough to keep us from acting like we shouldn't) "Shame on you, you stupid child! Why did you have to go and do that again? You only got what you deserved!" God seems to shout.
No, I am not saying that God doesn't allow us to experience pain at times--but the purpose of this pain is for us to cry out to Him for help, not to get us to stop acting so bad, not to somehow cleanse us from sin-guilt. Think of the prodigal son--the loving daddy in that picture did not bail his son out of the consequences of his bad choices. Why not? Because the source of life and happiness for that prodigal child was only to be found in his Dad. When the prodigal returned home, the daddy welcomed him with open arms; he did not punish him first, and the son received true life from his Father.
Dear child of God, mommy or daddy, allow me to be very direct: How can you meet out punishment on your children for the things that they did wrong, the things that they cannot go back and change, even if they want to, when GOD DOES NOT DEAL WITH YOU IN THAT MANNER?
If you want to give to your children what you get from God when you do wrong, it should look something like this: "Son, what you did was wrong. It is wrong to hurt others, and when you pushed your sister, that was wrong. You must face what you have done wrong; you must face the fact that you have hurt her, and apologize to her. Although what you did was wrong, I am not going to abandon you. I forgive you. I am going to walk beside you as we work on setting things right. Your sister may not forgive you. You may have to wait a long time for your relationship with her to be restored. But I will be beside you all along the way. I will not abandon you or turn my back on you."
God is not a pushover. When we sin, His Spirit will work to open our eyes to the fact that what we are doing is wrong. The longer we continue in sin, the more deaf we will be to the still, small voice that is our Daddy, calling us home. But, no matter how long we persist, as soon as we see our sin, as soon as we recognize the ugliness of a life apart from our Father, we see that He has been there waiting for us all the time, arms open wide, full of love.
Moms and Dads, meet your children where they are at. Teach them right and wrong; don't block the consequences that their wrongdoing inevitably brings. But BE THERE FOR THEM, not against them, applying a belt, a switch, or a hand, to their little bodies, when they make wrong choices, when they wreak havoc because they are too weak to deny their impulses. MEET THEM WHERE THEY ARE AT, walk with them through the consequences, loving them all the time. DON'T be the hypocrite and take the stance of judge, jury, and jail time, when, EVERY DAY, you yourself struggle with bouts of wrong behavior, and God is there for you, full of love, without reproach.
It would be dishonest of me to tell you that I, a redeemed daughter of God, do not struggle with sin.
And how does my Father respond?
The first thing my Father does, because of His Son's sacrifice, is to draw me to Himself. He does not abandon me. He does not turn His face away from me in disgust, though my sin is vile, and it reaps a rotten harvest.
Yes, there is no denying that sin brings despair and corruption. Like that time I was angry and yelled at my husband: a rift formed in our relationship, my children became insecure, I felt sick and hopeless.
But when we sin, because of Jesus, anytime we choose to, we can call out to God, to our Abba, Father, and He will meet us where we are at. We do not have to cower in fear, terrified of what consequence He might impose on us for the terrible destruction we have wrought, because, don't you see, child? Sin brings death, misery, ugliness.
Yet, Jesus is our Redeemer. He is our hope in the midst of our despair.
It is a beautifully crafted lie of the Deceiver which says that when we are tangled up in our messes, the only way out is for God to come after us with a whip, for Him to make us pay for what we have done before our relationship with Him can be restored.
Dear parent, every time you spank or punish your little child for his or her often impulsive, often unintended, wrongdoing, you are giving your child a graphic, very misleading, picture of the way that God deals with His children.
The picture is this: When you do wrong, God uses His hand to hurt you. Yes, He inflicts purposeful pain on you. (hmm...doesn't that sound a bit like God is sitting up in heaven, concocting various consequences that will hurt enough to keep us from acting like we shouldn't) "Shame on you, you stupid child! Why did you have to go and do that again? You only got what you deserved!" God seems to shout.
No, I am not saying that God doesn't allow us to experience pain at times--but the purpose of this pain is for us to cry out to Him for help, not to get us to stop acting so bad, not to somehow cleanse us from sin-guilt. Think of the prodigal son--the loving daddy in that picture did not bail his son out of the consequences of his bad choices. Why not? Because the source of life and happiness for that prodigal child was only to be found in his Dad. When the prodigal returned home, the daddy welcomed him with open arms; he did not punish him first, and the son received true life from his Father.
Dear child of God, mommy or daddy, allow me to be very direct: How can you meet out punishment on your children for the things that they did wrong, the things that they cannot go back and change, even if they want to, when GOD DOES NOT DEAL WITH YOU IN THAT MANNER?
If you want to give to your children what you get from God when you do wrong, it should look something like this: "Son, what you did was wrong. It is wrong to hurt others, and when you pushed your sister, that was wrong. You must face what you have done wrong; you must face the fact that you have hurt her, and apologize to her. Although what you did was wrong, I am not going to abandon you. I forgive you. I am going to walk beside you as we work on setting things right. Your sister may not forgive you. You may have to wait a long time for your relationship with her to be restored. But I will be beside you all along the way. I will not abandon you or turn my back on you."
God is not a pushover. When we sin, His Spirit will work to open our eyes to the fact that what we are doing is wrong. The longer we continue in sin, the more deaf we will be to the still, small voice that is our Daddy, calling us home. But, no matter how long we persist, as soon as we see our sin, as soon as we recognize the ugliness of a life apart from our Father, we see that He has been there waiting for us all the time, arms open wide, full of love.
Moms and Dads, meet your children where they are at. Teach them right and wrong; don't block the consequences that their wrongdoing inevitably brings. But BE THERE FOR THEM, not against them, applying a belt, a switch, or a hand, to their little bodies, when they make wrong choices, when they wreak havoc because they are too weak to deny their impulses. MEET THEM WHERE THEY ARE AT, walk with them through the consequences, loving them all the time. DON'T be the hypocrite and take the stance of judge, jury, and jail time, when, EVERY DAY, you yourself struggle with bouts of wrong behavior, and God is there for you, full of love, without reproach.
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Does God Spank His Children?
I am saddened when I hear a Christian, a dear redeemed child of God, say "God spanks His children." Why does this sadden me? Because it misrepresents God, and it takes away from what Christ did on the cross on our behalf.
The only support I have ever heard for this idea comes from Hebrews 12. Hebrews 12:6 reads: "FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES.” It certainly would appear that this passage teaches believers that God spanks His children, due to the use of the term "scourges".
A sound principle to use when trying to understand any Scriptural passage is to never lift a verse out of context when interpreting it. In a previous post, I went step by step through Hebrews 12, so I will not do that here, but, for the sake of this discussion, here is a summation: Hebrews 12 is a passage that was meant to ENCOURAGE believers to ENDURE persecution. The author is urging readers not to give up in the face of hardship, keeping their eyes fixed on the goal (as though they are runners in a race), remembering how Jesus suffered at the hands of angry men.
In fact, Jesus, the author of our faith, the perfect Son of God, was scourged for our transgressions, and thus all of us are able to be received as God's purified sons and daughters. Isaiah 53:5 reads, "But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed."
The only support I have ever heard for this idea comes from Hebrews 12. Hebrews 12:6 reads: "FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES.” It certainly would appear that this passage teaches believers that God spanks His children, due to the use of the term "scourges".
A sound principle to use when trying to understand any Scriptural passage is to never lift a verse out of context when interpreting it. In a previous post, I went step by step through Hebrews 12, so I will not do that here, but, for the sake of this discussion, here is a summation: Hebrews 12 is a passage that was meant to ENCOURAGE believers to ENDURE persecution. The author is urging readers not to give up in the face of hardship, keeping their eyes fixed on the goal (as though they are runners in a race), remembering how Jesus suffered at the hands of angry men.
In fact, Jesus, the author of our faith, the perfect Son of God, was scourged for our transgressions, and thus all of us are able to be received as God's purified sons and daughters. Isaiah 53:5 reads, "But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed."
Through Jesus, through His scourging and death on our behalf, WE ARE HEALED. He took the punishment for our sins! Hebrews 12:6 needs to be seen in the context of what Jesus did on our behalf, and in the context of the passage, which refers not to punishment for wrongdoing, but to God's training of His children as they face hardships and, indeed, persecution in life. God urges believers to endure hardship as from His hand; there is no reference in this passage to hardship being a punishment for wrongdoing. If there was, then believers would be urged not to sin, so as to AVOID hardship; believers would be cautioned to question whether hardship in their lives was due to their misbehavior. But that is NOT what this passage teaches...in fact, the passage encourages believers to EMBRACE hardship as discipline (paideia, training). They are encouraged to ENDURE, and to see hardship as a sign that they are, indeed, God's children (believers should not worry when they face hardship that God has forgotten them, or that He is angry with them, or that He is working against them).
The purpose of a spanking is to cause a behavior to cease, or, as some parents believe, to rid their children of sin-guilt. We need to really think about God's discipline as laid out in Hebrews 12 and ask ourselves if spanking aligns with God's discipline of His children. God doesn't discipline His children to relieve them of sin-guilt--that is what Jesus did; when we feel guilt for our sins, we are supposed to look to Jesus as our high priest who has made intercession for us already (this is actually discussed at length in the book of Hebrews). In my next post, I will discuss how God's discipline of His children differs from a spanking.
Our Christian culture says that spanking is biblical; it says that if moms and dads choose not to spank, then they are disobeying God's command. The implication, then, is that God spanks us grown ups too. If that is the case, we ought to live in constant fear of God. Every time hardship or persecution enters our lives, we need to ask ourselves: what did I do wrong this time? We need to strive very hard never to do wrong so that God won't need to punish us. Furthermore, we will always fear that when we do wrong, God temporarily takes the stance of "judge," rather than that of "Abba, Father." In short, we will not live in love, for, as 1 John 4:18 states: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." It is time for us to look outside of our cultural norms, and to really dig deep into God's word, being careful not to jump to conclusions based on what we are taught, but based on what Scripture is actually saying.
Tuesday, December 20, 2011
What Really Matters
Little man was very upset. He didn't like it that his mommy and daddy said no more tv for the rest of the day. He felt like screaming. In fact, he did start screaming. The screaming hurt mommy's and daddy's ears, so mommy carried him into his room to finish screaming. She didn't leave him in there by himself, though. She stayed in the room with him. She spoke softly to him, with words of understanding. She gave him a back rub. Little man calmed down and began enjoying the back rub. Then his mommy told him that sometimes God tells her to do something that she doesn't like. She shared with him how she tells God how she feels, and asks for His help to do the right thing. Then she asked if he wanted to hear a story. "Yes, mommy!" little man exclaimed, always ready for a story. So mommy proceeded to tell him the story of Jonah, a prophet who did not want to do what God told him to. Little man listened with rapt attention.
As mommy recounted the way that Jonah ran from God, but God knew where He was the whole time, how God showed Jonah and the people of Nineveh grace, how God wants us to simply listen to what He says, and to trust Him, even if we don't like it, she realized something important: we mommies and daddies can sometimes place too much importance on our parenting methods. But,in the end, what will really stick with our children?
If parenting is about the heart, then we need to focus the majority of our time with our children dwelling on things that will stick with them throughout their lives. And what will stick better than those stories spoken out of God's mouth, penned by the God-followers of old? Stories that will remind them of truth, of God's grace, of the fact that the doorway to heaven stands open to them because of the precious gift of Jesus.
If parenting is about the heart, then we need to focus the majority of our time with our children dwelling on things that will stick with them throughout their lives. And what will stick better than those stories spoken out of God's mouth, penned by the God-followers of old? Stories that will remind them of truth, of God's grace, of the fact that the doorway to heaven stands open to them because of the precious gift of Jesus.
We need to recount truth-filled stories to our children. I am reminded of God's instructions to the Israelites: “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:6-9)
God gave these instructions to them so that they would not forget Him when they were dwelling in comfort in the Promised Land. He wanted the Israelites to talk to their children about Him when they were sitting, walking, lying down, and waking up...in other words, over and over again, all day long.
Are we filling our ears and those of our children with truth, with stories and truth from God all day long? Or are we spending all of our time and energy focused on a method, worried when our children misbehave or don't fit a certain mold, fearing that they won't turn out unless we do this or that?
Let's give our children the timeless gift of God's truth during this New Year that is swiftly approaching, and throughout all the years to follow.
Merry Christmas, dear fellow mommas! Let's keep Jesus' precious gift to us the focus of our momming!
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Parenting Through Changes
We moved recently. And not just across town. We moved from the southernmost tip of Texas to mid-Tennessee. We moved as an act of faith, believing that God wants us in Tennessee to help out with a mission that is just starting up.
We suspected that the move would be hard on our children, and, while it was also fun and exciting, our sweet three-and-a-half year old son and our precious, very active nine-month-old baby girl (who hates her car seat, incidentally) went through some major upheaval. I realized through this move how hard it is to take my children on journeys that are sure to be fraught with hardships. Radical faith is not as romantic as some would have us to believe. But without radical faith in a radical God, life would be so empty. I want my children to grow up seeing that while life may be hard, God is an always-faithful Father, the Father who owns the cattle on a thousand hills. The Father who will never ever let us down.
But this move has been tough in many ways. First, our son spent the final day of our road trip with a high fever and nausea (and yes, he did puke all over the moving truck). Then, right after we finished unloading the moving truck, the baby and I came down with the same mysterious sickness.
After about a week, we were all on the mend. And that is when the wild emotions kicked in, for all of four of us. My husband and I felt confused, disoriented, and tired. Baby girl was fussy fussy fussy. And little man threw tantrums like none we have ever seen before. We questioned our parenting. What had we done wrong? And then, my wise husband said, "You know, maybe he just feels as lost and confused as we do, and he doesn't know how to express his feelings." That statement put our entire family on the road to healing, as husband and I turned to God's grace, and realized that this was our chance to pour out His grace toward our son.
What did this look like?
-Lots of hugs, lots of verbalizing feelings for our son
-Refusing to be embarrassed by our sons little bits misbehavior, realizing that he felt out of control
-Establishing a routine (will do a post on this one soon)
-Letting our son see us turn towards God when we were struggling
-Spending time enjoying and playing with our children
Our little guy also became quite aggressive after the move. It seemed that he was taking out his frustrations on his baby sister. Husband and I had an earnest talk one night, in which we decided on a plan to help our son realize that, while he was allowed to have his feelings, he was not allowed to hurt his sister. Every time he screamed at her, pinched her, or tried to kick her, we implemented "you hit, you sit," except we used his big, soft bed in the room as the place for him to sit. We said these words each time, "Uh, oh, you may not hurt your sister. When you are ready to treat her kindly, you may come out of your room." Key to this, was to not shame, scold, lecture or punish. We simply wanted our son to see that he could control his actions toward his sister. It was beautiful to see our little guy begin to treat his sister with respect; and to see him grow in the realization that he could control himself.
I want all of my blog readers to know that I plan to post more frequently in the future, and I also plan to revamp my blog soon to include pictures and be more friendly to read.
Grace truly covers a multitude of sins. May we revel in God's grace daily, clinging to Him as we press on towards the finish line.
We suspected that the move would be hard on our children, and, while it was also fun and exciting, our sweet three-and-a-half year old son and our precious, very active nine-month-old baby girl (who hates her car seat, incidentally) went through some major upheaval. I realized through this move how hard it is to take my children on journeys that are sure to be fraught with hardships. Radical faith is not as romantic as some would have us to believe. But without radical faith in a radical God, life would be so empty. I want my children to grow up seeing that while life may be hard, God is an always-faithful Father, the Father who owns the cattle on a thousand hills. The Father who will never ever let us down.
But this move has been tough in many ways. First, our son spent the final day of our road trip with a high fever and nausea (and yes, he did puke all over the moving truck). Then, right after we finished unloading the moving truck, the baby and I came down with the same mysterious sickness.
After about a week, we were all on the mend. And that is when the wild emotions kicked in, for all of four of us. My husband and I felt confused, disoriented, and tired. Baby girl was fussy fussy fussy. And little man threw tantrums like none we have ever seen before. We questioned our parenting. What had we done wrong? And then, my wise husband said, "You know, maybe he just feels as lost and confused as we do, and he doesn't know how to express his feelings." That statement put our entire family on the road to healing, as husband and I turned to God's grace, and realized that this was our chance to pour out His grace toward our son.
What did this look like?
-Lots of hugs, lots of verbalizing feelings for our son
-Refusing to be embarrassed by our sons little bits misbehavior, realizing that he felt out of control
-Establishing a routine (will do a post on this one soon)
-Letting our son see us turn towards God when we were struggling
-Spending time enjoying and playing with our children
Our little guy also became quite aggressive after the move. It seemed that he was taking out his frustrations on his baby sister. Husband and I had an earnest talk one night, in which we decided on a plan to help our son realize that, while he was allowed to have his feelings, he was not allowed to hurt his sister. Every time he screamed at her, pinched her, or tried to kick her, we implemented "you hit, you sit," except we used his big, soft bed in the room as the place for him to sit. We said these words each time, "Uh, oh, you may not hurt your sister. When you are ready to treat her kindly, you may come out of your room." Key to this, was to not shame, scold, lecture or punish. We simply wanted our son to see that he could control his actions toward his sister. It was beautiful to see our little guy begin to treat his sister with respect; and to see him grow in the realization that he could control himself.
I want all of my blog readers to know that I plan to post more frequently in the future, and I also plan to revamp my blog soon to include pictures and be more friendly to read.
Grace truly covers a multitude of sins. May we revel in God's grace daily, clinging to Him as we press on towards the finish line.
Friday, October 28, 2011
Genuine Obedience
Little man was playing with daddy yesterday. I smiled as I overheard their conversation:
Daddy: "We will play with your train set, but first I want you to clean up these toys."
Little man: "Okay, daddy. Okay. I will clean them up right now."
I smiled because we have never forced our son to say, "Okay," when we make a request of him. Yes, when we have a specific request we make sure that we follow through, that our request gets headed, that our words have meaning. And our little guy does not always say, "okay," when we ask something of him. Sometimes, our requests make him upset.
So hearing, "Okay, daddy. I will," just melts our hearts. Why? Because it is a response to us that comes straight from the heart of our precious child. It is a response that we did not force or manipulate. It is a response based on our child's love for us.
That being said, I wish to clarify before going any further that my children are human. I am not any more shocked when they mess up, then when I myself do. My husband and I are not aiming to grow children who are models of exemplary behavior. We are aiming to raise children who understand that God's grace in Christ covers all our sins; children who understand that Jesus wants us to have an authentic relationship with Him.
Philippians 2:5-8 describes true obedience as exemplified by Christ himself:
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.
The beauty of Jesus' obedience here? His obedience was a choice. It was a choice for Him to humble himself. It was a choice for Him to sacrifice His life for us. God did not say, "Jesus, you are my beloved son, so I am going to force you to obey, because that is the right thing for you to do." No, Jesus had a perfect, intimate relationship with God; He was God; yet, He chose obedience.
You see, integral to genuine obedience is choice. When we force our children to "hop to it" and do what we say, or else, we teach them to comply. Many children are labeled as obedient because they immediately, without question, do what their parents tell them to do; I would label these children as "compliant," because they are doing what their parents tell them to in order to a)avoid punishment and b)avoid parental disapproval.
That is not to say that I don't help my son comply with my requests. I choose to do this without the use of punishments of any type. But, to keep my children safe, to teach them to become responsible citizens, I require compliance, with the offer of help if they are having trouble complying on their own.
Yet, this leads to the question of our ultimate goal as parents: is it to have children who are compliant, or children who understand what it means to genuinely obey from the heart? Many times throughout the Bible, the following phrase is used: "the obedience of faith." It provides a wonderful example of what genuine obedience erupts from. When we choose to believe what God says, when we choose to trust Him, we are exhibiting the obedience of faith. And what brings us to this obedience? It is a confidence that God can be trusted; that in His very nature, He is good. It is a confidence that what He says is true. It is an assurance that we are perfectly accepted in the Beloved. It is the rest that is found in knowing that we do not need to do anything to please God, because Christ did it all, and we are hidden in Him.
God NEVER uses force, fear, or coercion, though He has every right to, to get us to trust Him. Instead, He first restores relationship with us through Jesus. Then He invites us to daily walk in that relationship, which involves the obedience of faith.
As we care for, protect, guide, nurture, and correct our children, we must remember that our job as parents is not to somehow force our children to obey (though we often graciously help them to comply).
You see, obedience is a choice, a decision, that God wants our children to make on their own; devoid of any coercion on our parts. Children are told to obey their parents in both Ephesians and Colossians. We as parents need to recognize that obedience to us is something that God asks our children, not us, to accomplish. We also need to ask ourselves if our behavior toward our children invites them into a freedom-filled relationship with us; a relationship based on grace; a relationship in which obedience spontaneously erupts from a heart of love. We need to make sure that we are not parenting to impress others with our compliant children.
As our Father has so tenderly extended His love toward us, let us in turn reciprocate this love to our children. It may make our parenting look more messy than some, but for me, this messiness is worth the end product: children who understand obedience as a choice, and choose to obey anyways.
Daddy: "We will play with your train set, but first I want you to clean up these toys."
Little man: "Okay, daddy. Okay. I will clean them up right now."
I smiled because we have never forced our son to say, "Okay," when we make a request of him. Yes, when we have a specific request we make sure that we follow through, that our request gets headed, that our words have meaning. And our little guy does not always say, "okay," when we ask something of him. Sometimes, our requests make him upset.
So hearing, "Okay, daddy. I will," just melts our hearts. Why? Because it is a response to us that comes straight from the heart of our precious child. It is a response that we did not force or manipulate. It is a response based on our child's love for us.
That being said, I wish to clarify before going any further that my children are human. I am not any more shocked when they mess up, then when I myself do. My husband and I are not aiming to grow children who are models of exemplary behavior. We are aiming to raise children who understand that God's grace in Christ covers all our sins; children who understand that Jesus wants us to have an authentic relationship with Him.
Philippians 2:5-8 describes true obedience as exemplified by Christ himself:
Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus, who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.
The beauty of Jesus' obedience here? His obedience was a choice. It was a choice for Him to humble himself. It was a choice for Him to sacrifice His life for us. God did not say, "Jesus, you are my beloved son, so I am going to force you to obey, because that is the right thing for you to do." No, Jesus had a perfect, intimate relationship with God; He was God; yet, He chose obedience.
You see, integral to genuine obedience is choice. When we force our children to "hop to it" and do what we say, or else, we teach them to comply. Many children are labeled as obedient because they immediately, without question, do what their parents tell them to do; I would label these children as "compliant," because they are doing what their parents tell them to in order to a)avoid punishment and b)avoid parental disapproval.
That is not to say that I don't help my son comply with my requests. I choose to do this without the use of punishments of any type. But, to keep my children safe, to teach them to become responsible citizens, I require compliance, with the offer of help if they are having trouble complying on their own.
Yet, this leads to the question of our ultimate goal as parents: is it to have children who are compliant, or children who understand what it means to genuinely obey from the heart? Many times throughout the Bible, the following phrase is used: "the obedience of faith." It provides a wonderful example of what genuine obedience erupts from. When we choose to believe what God says, when we choose to trust Him, we are exhibiting the obedience of faith. And what brings us to this obedience? It is a confidence that God can be trusted; that in His very nature, He is good. It is a confidence that what He says is true. It is an assurance that we are perfectly accepted in the Beloved. It is the rest that is found in knowing that we do not need to do anything to please God, because Christ did it all, and we are hidden in Him.
God NEVER uses force, fear, or coercion, though He has every right to, to get us to trust Him. Instead, He first restores relationship with us through Jesus. Then He invites us to daily walk in that relationship, which involves the obedience of faith.
As we care for, protect, guide, nurture, and correct our children, we must remember that our job as parents is not to somehow force our children to obey (though we often graciously help them to comply).
You see, obedience is a choice, a decision, that God wants our children to make on their own; devoid of any coercion on our parts. Children are told to obey their parents in both Ephesians and Colossians. We as parents need to recognize that obedience to us is something that God asks our children, not us, to accomplish. We also need to ask ourselves if our behavior toward our children invites them into a freedom-filled relationship with us; a relationship based on grace; a relationship in which obedience spontaneously erupts from a heart of love. We need to make sure that we are not parenting to impress others with our compliant children.
As our Father has so tenderly extended His love toward us, let us in turn reciprocate this love to our children. It may make our parenting look more messy than some, but for me, this messiness is worth the end product: children who understand obedience as a choice, and choose to obey anyways.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Swiftly Approaching Disequilibrium
fI love these books by Louise Bates Ames & Frances L. Ilg in which they describe the development and behavior of different age groups. Here is the description of the three year old on the back cover of Your Three-Year-Old Child: "A three-year-old child is a real puzzle to parents, sometimes anxious to please and befriend, sometimes strong-willed and difficult to get along with. At the heart of the three-year-old's personality is often an emotional insecurity--and this causes a host of problems for parents!"
The first chapter of the book describes the three-year-old as easy-going and eager-to-please. Then, it describes an interesting phenomenon: at three and a half, the child undergoes a period of disequilibrium. Other Ames & Ilg development books describe how, usually at half ages, children undergo periods of emotional, physical, and behavioral "rockiness". This period is usually followed by a period of peace and stability. Here are some characteristics of three-and-a-half year old disequilibrium: "Refusing to obey is perhaps the key aspect of this turbulent, troubled period in the life of the young child....he strengthens this will by going against whatever is demanded of him.... (5)," "...characteristically inwardized, insecure, anxious, and, above all, determined and self-willed....The three-and-a-half-year-old child seems emotionally very insecure from the word go...(6)," "....stuttering...tensional outlets....vision, too, may pose special problems...emotional insecurity....sometimes it almost seems that nothing pleases...(7,8)."
When Aydon turned three, I immediately read and reread this Ames & Ilg book dedicated to three year olds. I do not follow all the discipline advice in the book, but I appreciate the description of age-appropriate behavior; it helps me be patient and understanding when my little guy has trouble.
At three, Aydon was so happy and easy to manage that I thought perhaps at three-and-a-half he would be an exception to the "rule". I am beginning to believe otherwise! Aydon is not three and a half yet, but he is almost there. Little three-and-a-half year old behaviors are manifesting themselves. Yesterday, at supper, he screamed, "Don't look at me!" to his dad, and then a few seconds later, sweetly offered to share some of his food with said longsuffering daddy.
But that is not all that happened yesterday! Earlier in the day, at the end of a long grocery-shopping trip, as I was sighing with relief and feeling proud because baby was sleeping peacefully on my bosom in the sling and Aydon was cheerful and visiting with me from the front seat of the cart, I encountered some astonishing behavior that ushered me swifty into the world of three-and-a-half. It all started with a small dollar-bill-like slip of paper that children are given at the checkout. It is called an HEBuddy buck; children place it in a kiddie slot machine located at the store exit, in exchange for stickers. Now, usually the cashier gives Aydon several said "bucks." But today, Aydon received only one. Being that Aydon was holding the buck, I thought that he realized he only had ONE to spend. I scooped Aydon out of the cart and set him in front of the machine. He skillfully fed the buck into the slot, and withdrew his sticker. "Ok, let's go home!" I cheerfully exclaimed, feeling like a GREAT momma (keep in mind that this slot machine is at the exit to the store; in other words, the kids using the machine are on display in front of all shoppers checking out). And that is where the trouble began...as I lifted Aydon back into the cart, he loudly declared, "No!!! I don't wanna ride in the cart! AAAAHHHH! I want another HEBuddy buck!!" (flailing and ruckus ensue). A grandma nearby, seeing my son's distress, offered him an extra buck (grrr...um, thank you, grandma). Foolishly, I took my screaming child out of the card and let him use the next buck. Then, as I lifted him back into the cart, drama ensued once more (oh, at this point he was also holding some pamphlets he had grabbed off a shelf), "NOOOO! I don't want to ride in the cart!" I finally managed to get him seated, upon which he angrily threw the pamphlets to the floor. Once again, foolishly, I lifted my boy out of the cart, growling, stifling my embarrassment, "Oh, no, Aydon, we need to clean these up." I held his hand and walked him to the pamphlets, placing one in his hand. "No! I can do it myself," exclaimed my suddenly-maniacal child, dislodging his hand from mine, and running like a madman toward the front door. At the last minute, he veered away, then made a wide arch towards the pamphlet stand, tossing the pamphlet onto it. And yes, horror of horrors, before I could get a grip on things, he repeated this with each of the other three pamphlets. Finally, I managed to grabbed my son and lifted him back into the cart. There was some good that came out of this: my son and I had an excellent and bonding conversation about the importance of listening to mommy on the way home.
As I reflected on the grocery store experience, I came to a startling realization: three-and-a-half is swiftly upon us. So, here are some decisions I am making in regards to how I want to handle things:
1) As one of my sweet readers pointed out: parent by the Spirit. Allow Him to control me. When a situation presents itself, take a deep breath, recognize that I do not have to let sin (anger, etc) control me, and allow the Spirit produce his fruit in my life (gentleness, patience, self-control, etc).
2) Revert to a main strategy used at two and a half, namely, remain near my child at all times, enforcing rules through swift, kind, firm action. For example, he absolutely must hold my hand in the parking lot, he will ride in the cart at the store, and if I make a request, I will stand near him so as to ensure that my request is heeded. This is because I realize that my son's inner world is rocky and out of sorts right now, and he needs stability in his outer world because he will have more trouble controlling himself than he used to.
3) Spend a lot of time outdoors, engaged in free play. Limit television, which winds little man up. Provide my precious child with a routine that is not too rigid, yet allows life to feel somewhat structured.
4) Remember that aberrant behavior is the result of inward upheaval, respond with compassion, don't take things personally, and recall how quickly this stage will pass, therefore enjoying each moment, whether easy or difficult to navigate.
Most of all, I want to remember that love and grace trump all other actions and attitudes, for my own Heavenly Father is constantly pouring out His love and grace on this often-crazily-behaved momma, as He gently reminds me that I need Him to take control, lead, and guide me at all times!
The first chapter of the book describes the three-year-old as easy-going and eager-to-please. Then, it describes an interesting phenomenon: at three and a half, the child undergoes a period of disequilibrium. Other Ames & Ilg development books describe how, usually at half ages, children undergo periods of emotional, physical, and behavioral "rockiness". This period is usually followed by a period of peace and stability. Here are some characteristics of three-and-a-half year old disequilibrium: "Refusing to obey is perhaps the key aspect of this turbulent, troubled period in the life of the young child....he strengthens this will by going against whatever is demanded of him.... (5)," "...characteristically inwardized, insecure, anxious, and, above all, determined and self-willed....The three-and-a-half-year-old child seems emotionally very insecure from the word go...(6)," "....stuttering...tensional outlets....vision, too, may pose special problems...emotional insecurity....sometimes it almost seems that nothing pleases...(7,8)."
When Aydon turned three, I immediately read and reread this Ames & Ilg book dedicated to three year olds. I do not follow all the discipline advice in the book, but I appreciate the description of age-appropriate behavior; it helps me be patient and understanding when my little guy has trouble.
At three, Aydon was so happy and easy to manage that I thought perhaps at three-and-a-half he would be an exception to the "rule". I am beginning to believe otherwise! Aydon is not three and a half yet, but he is almost there. Little three-and-a-half year old behaviors are manifesting themselves. Yesterday, at supper, he screamed, "Don't look at me!" to his dad, and then a few seconds later, sweetly offered to share some of his food with said longsuffering daddy.
But that is not all that happened yesterday! Earlier in the day, at the end of a long grocery-shopping trip, as I was sighing with relief and feeling proud because baby was sleeping peacefully on my bosom in the sling and Aydon was cheerful and visiting with me from the front seat of the cart, I encountered some astonishing behavior that ushered me swifty into the world of three-and-a-half. It all started with a small dollar-bill-like slip of paper that children are given at the checkout. It is called an HEBuddy buck; children place it in a kiddie slot machine located at the store exit, in exchange for stickers. Now, usually the cashier gives Aydon several said "bucks." But today, Aydon received only one. Being that Aydon was holding the buck, I thought that he realized he only had ONE to spend. I scooped Aydon out of the cart and set him in front of the machine. He skillfully fed the buck into the slot, and withdrew his sticker. "Ok, let's go home!" I cheerfully exclaimed, feeling like a GREAT momma (keep in mind that this slot machine is at the exit to the store; in other words, the kids using the machine are on display in front of all shoppers checking out). And that is where the trouble began...as I lifted Aydon back into the cart, he loudly declared, "No!!! I don't wanna ride in the cart! AAAAHHHH! I want another HEBuddy buck!!" (flailing and ruckus ensue). A grandma nearby, seeing my son's distress, offered him an extra buck (grrr...um, thank you, grandma). Foolishly, I took my screaming child out of the card and let him use the next buck. Then, as I lifted him back into the cart, drama ensued once more (oh, at this point he was also holding some pamphlets he had grabbed off a shelf), "NOOOO! I don't want to ride in the cart!" I finally managed to get him seated, upon which he angrily threw the pamphlets to the floor. Once again, foolishly, I lifted my boy out of the cart, growling, stifling my embarrassment, "Oh, no, Aydon, we need to clean these up." I held his hand and walked him to the pamphlets, placing one in his hand. "No! I can do it myself," exclaimed my suddenly-maniacal child, dislodging his hand from mine, and running like a madman toward the front door. At the last minute, he veered away, then made a wide arch towards the pamphlet stand, tossing the pamphlet onto it. And yes, horror of horrors, before I could get a grip on things, he repeated this with each of the other three pamphlets. Finally, I managed to grabbed my son and lifted him back into the cart. There was some good that came out of this: my son and I had an excellent and bonding conversation about the importance of listening to mommy on the way home.
As I reflected on the grocery store experience, I came to a startling realization: three-and-a-half is swiftly upon us. So, here are some decisions I am making in regards to how I want to handle things:
1) As one of my sweet readers pointed out: parent by the Spirit. Allow Him to control me. When a situation presents itself, take a deep breath, recognize that I do not have to let sin (anger, etc) control me, and allow the Spirit produce his fruit in my life (gentleness, patience, self-control, etc).
2) Revert to a main strategy used at two and a half, namely, remain near my child at all times, enforcing rules through swift, kind, firm action. For example, he absolutely must hold my hand in the parking lot, he will ride in the cart at the store, and if I make a request, I will stand near him so as to ensure that my request is heeded. This is because I realize that my son's inner world is rocky and out of sorts right now, and he needs stability in his outer world because he will have more trouble controlling himself than he used to.
3) Spend a lot of time outdoors, engaged in free play. Limit television, which winds little man up. Provide my precious child with a routine that is not too rigid, yet allows life to feel somewhat structured.
4) Remember that aberrant behavior is the result of inward upheaval, respond with compassion, don't take things personally, and recall how quickly this stage will pass, therefore enjoying each moment, whether easy or difficult to navigate.
Most of all, I want to remember that love and grace trump all other actions and attitudes, for my own Heavenly Father is constantly pouring out His love and grace on this often-crazily-behaved momma, as He gently reminds me that I need Him to take control, lead, and guide me at all times!
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