What Gentle Discipline is Not, Continued

Gentle disciplines is not adversarial! This week, I dealt with a little five year old girl who has been spanked, given time-outs, and tantalized with rewards for good behavior her whole life. She is one of the worst-behaved, violent little children I have ever encountered. You see, this little girl hears an authority figure set a limit, and she gears up for battle. She is strong-willed and intelligent, and she digs in her heals when she does not want to do something. Her mom told me that one time she spanked her very hard, borderline abuse hard, and the little girl came out of the bathroom laughing. My wonderful husband, upon hearing this story, told me that that is exactly how he was as a child. This week, the little girl told me, when I set a limit, that she was going to smash my head...she proceeded to approach me and push on my head. My sweet little Aydon was terrified. Needless to say, I put my foot down and said that I will no longer watch this girl, for the sake of my son.

I do not want to lump all children into two categories, but I will say that it seems to me that some children are sensitive to what their parents think and feel, and some children, though they definitely crave the love and affection of their parents, are born into this world not so worried about how their parents feel about their behavior: they have a heart to conquer, to win, to lead. Many children have a combination of both of these spirits, and all children were created by God with the personalities that He gave them. The more sensitive children respond quickly to punitive discipline. Having their parents spank them, or put them in time out, breaks their hearts, but they cover it up to please their parents and keep them happy. They act as good as possible to avoid punishment. If they choose to disobey, they often are sneaky; not outwardly rebellious. The children with "strong wills" are more likely to question their parents. Punitive discipline sets them up for a life-long fight. Letting a spanking in any way affect them proves to the world that their parents won, and they will not have it.

Gentle discipline addresses both personalities, because the parent embraces the role of a teacher, a discipler, who comes alongside the child, works with the child's personality, and guides the child in the right direction. Christians who use gentle discipline recognize that a child's heart is what matters, and that outward good behavior does not always mean that the heart is in the same place. These Christian parents seek to teach their children right from wrong, yet they also do not mislead their children into thinking that outward good behavior is all that counts. They allow God to work in their child's hearts. They refuse to shame their children into acting good. They treat their children with the same grace God bestows on them.

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What Gentle Discipline is Not

I love how Ezzo describes the attachment parent in Babywise: a total pushover parent with absolutely no boundaries. While this is most certainly true of some people who practice attachment parenting, it is also most certainly true of some "punitive" minded parents.

I love taking my son to the park in the evenings. But sometimes I get so tired of parents who sit on the sidelines and yell at their kids, "stop doing xyz, or you'll be sorry!" Minutes tick by, the child continues his/her behavior, and the parent either pretends not to notice the child, or the parent continues with meaningless yelling. Occasionally, said parent will become incredibly angry, walk over to his/her child, yank them by the arm, and either pop them on the bottom or drag them, parent and child screaming, to the bench on the side. The parent is angry; the child feels that he/she has been treated unjustly. No real discipline is occurring here. My heart cries as I watch parent/child relationships deteriorate in this way.

Gentle discipline takes another approach. The parent sees the child doing something dangerous or harmful to others. The parent walks over to child, and redirects. If the child digs in his/her heels and refuses to be redirected, the parent, kindly and respectfully, yet firmly, holds the child's hand, or picks the child up, steering the child in a different direction. The parent shows the child acceptable alternatives to the unwanted behavior. The parent is willing to play with the child.

I love some of the results I am seeing in my son's life due to this type of discipline. When I will not allow him to do something, yet express my understanding at his frustration, more times then I can count, he comes running to my arms, telling me, "I'm sad..." or "I'm worried about...." or "I wanted to...". Isn't this the way God wants us to respond to Him when He tells us "no" or "later" or "that is bad for you"? He wants us to go running to His arms for comfort!

Well, little man is waking from his nap...I will post more on this subject later.

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