My little guy is a little older than 2.5. I have noticed that he seems to feel more content and secure when we do what we say. In order to always do what we say, we try to have very few boundaries. With our little guy, we do not want him throwing any toys except balls or stuffed animals, we do not want him to hit, bite, or kick us or others. Those are two of our main rules. We enforce them be being with our little guy, and by constant reminders and do-overs (not in a nag, nag way, just kind, and firm and consistent). We also redirect him to things that he CAN do. The other day, he picked up a car, and was about to throw it, then looked questioningly at us. "No, cars are not for throwing," I said firmly. He ran over and picked up another toy, looking at us again, his eyes saying, "what about this one?" "No, that toy is hard. It gives owies!" I replied, "But, you can throw your ball." A look of relief came into his eyes, and he said, "Where is it?" and trotted happily into the bedroom to retrieve it.
I also love routines, and so does my little guy. They help so much with behavior issues. For example, I limit TV and sweets. He is allowed a small sweet treat and 20-30 minutes of TV in the am when he wakes up, and the same thing in the pm after his nap. He loves this routine!! It keeps me from having to constantly be answering requests for more TV or more sweets all day, and it gives him something to look forward too. Routines are boundaries, but they also give kiddos something to look forward too. Oh, and we go to the park after I do dishes every day (being outdoors a ton lets out nervous energy too).
I also like to think of my words as "gold." They are so valuable, and if I mean what I say now, then it sets a foundation for my little guy's later years too. So, if I ask my son to do something, and he flat-out refuses, then I repeat, "You need to....". If he still refuses I say, "You need to..., or mommy will help you....". This is magical. Little man would prefer to do things on his own, to assert his independence, so 9 times out of 10, he chooses to do what I asked him on his own. If he does not, I pick him up immediately, and help him do what I asked. If he throws a fit, I will allow the fit some space (unless we are in the middle of the road, then I would move him to the side), and allow my little guy to calm down, and then we still follow through with what needs to be done. If he is tired, hungry, angry, lonely, then I do not request things of him, but deal with his needs first.
Another wonderful tool, is to give your little guy an exciting, beneficial-to-him reason to do something (this is not a bribe, as it is what we would do anyway, it just reminds him that something good is coming after he does what is not so fun--this motivates me too, with my household chores). My little man hates getting his diaper changed, but when he hears, "First get diaper changed, then we can go to the park," he is very quick to lie on the floor for me to change it. Or, if he won't wear his shoes, "Ok, no shoes! Then no playing outside," (said with empathy and kindness)...this takes patience, a willingness to wait for your child to decide on his own that he is ready to get his shoes on so that he can go play outside, etc.
GD means that we choose to parent with grace and empathy, to help our children, with gentleness, do what they need to do, to get down on their level and try to understand life from their perspective. It is far from permissive; it is a TON of work, because you cannot be a couch parent who yells out orders to your kids. If you say something, you need to be able to KINDLY and LOVINGLY enforce it. You have to be willing to endure tantrums and learn how best to soothe and encourage your child through the tantrum. You have to realize that you are parenting before God and not before others.
When I write things out, it always helps me to see areas that I need to work on, so this exercise has been good for me! More than anything, a walk with God by us parents is essential. Without His strength working through us, we would be unable to be both firm and gentle, wise and patient.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Growing Up
We went the mall yesterday to do some Christmas shopping. Usually, at the mall, we let our little guy walk without holding our hands as long as he stays close. But yesterday the mall was unusually crowded, so we told him that he needed to stay right beside us, and sometimes he would would need to hold our hands. Marvelously, he reached up and held my hand the whole time. I reminded my husband how a few months ago, we had to endure meltdowns because our son did not want to hold our hands; because he wanted to go a different direction/speed then we were going. At one point, our son exclaimed, "Look at that!" He started to run, and I said, "Aydon, wait! Show mommy what you want to see." And he did! Communication is wonderful.
Then later in the day we went to Barnes and Noble to hang out and let our little guy play with the wooden train there, which he loves. I smiled as I watched him interact with the other children, not take their trains away, and walk around them, rather than shoving them, when they were in his way. How many grueling days we have spent teaching our son to walk around the kids who are in his way, teaching him to give one of his trains to children who have no trains! Then, as we were leaving the bookstore, our son surprised us by throwing a tantrum because he was not ready to leave. The beautiful thing was that both my husband and I understood that he was overtired, and we understood what it was like to have to leave an activity that you love, and we were able to respond with empathy without giving in (not to say we weren't tempted to be embarrassed, but when we stand in confidence in God's acceptance of us, we don't need to worry about what others think!).
Today I took my son to the grocery store for a quick trip. Usually, he rides in the cart, but if I have a small list, I let him walk. It is good practice for one day when I cannot fit him and the baby into a cart. I told him ahead of time, "No candy and no chocolate today." I also told him that he needed to stay close to me; then we could go really fast and get home quickly so that he could play. He held onto the cart the whole time, staying close (this is really nothing short of miraculous!), "helping" me push it.
I take very little credit for my son's great behavior these last few days. He is growing up, and he is able to communicate with me; that solves so many issues. We have definitely had two mottoes with our son: always follow through with what we say, no matter what, with kindness and empathy AND repeat, repeat, rinse, and repeat when we are teaching him a skill (like walking beside the grocery cart at the store). But I am definitely not a perfect parent who knows it all! I will not be shocked if, in a week or so, some new and challenging behavior surfaces, and I am left muddled and confused and running to God for direction.
So why am I writing this post? To remind myself that children go through stages as they grow up-some of them pleasant, some of them not so pleasant. Sometimes we will fell worn out and want to give up. Sometimes we will wonder if what we are doing is really working. I want to look back and remember that children grow up, quickly in fact! Many difficult-to-deal-with behaviors just fade away (not to say we ignore harmful behavior, like hitting other children). I hope that someday when we are old and our children are grown, we can look back with joy at the days our children were growing because we took growth in stride, enjoying our children for who they are. May God continue to remind us/give us the strength to parent with patience.
Then later in the day we went to Barnes and Noble to hang out and let our little guy play with the wooden train there, which he loves. I smiled as I watched him interact with the other children, not take their trains away, and walk around them, rather than shoving them, when they were in his way. How many grueling days we have spent teaching our son to walk around the kids who are in his way, teaching him to give one of his trains to children who have no trains! Then, as we were leaving the bookstore, our son surprised us by throwing a tantrum because he was not ready to leave. The beautiful thing was that both my husband and I understood that he was overtired, and we understood what it was like to have to leave an activity that you love, and we were able to respond with empathy without giving in (not to say we weren't tempted to be embarrassed, but when we stand in confidence in God's acceptance of us, we don't need to worry about what others think!).
Today I took my son to the grocery store for a quick trip. Usually, he rides in the cart, but if I have a small list, I let him walk. It is good practice for one day when I cannot fit him and the baby into a cart. I told him ahead of time, "No candy and no chocolate today." I also told him that he needed to stay close to me; then we could go really fast and get home quickly so that he could play. He held onto the cart the whole time, staying close (this is really nothing short of miraculous!), "helping" me push it.
I take very little credit for my son's great behavior these last few days. He is growing up, and he is able to communicate with me; that solves so many issues. We have definitely had two mottoes with our son: always follow through with what we say, no matter what, with kindness and empathy AND repeat, repeat, rinse, and repeat when we are teaching him a skill (like walking beside the grocery cart at the store). But I am definitely not a perfect parent who knows it all! I will not be shocked if, in a week or so, some new and challenging behavior surfaces, and I am left muddled and confused and running to God for direction.
So why am I writing this post? To remind myself that children go through stages as they grow up-some of them pleasant, some of them not so pleasant. Sometimes we will fell worn out and want to give up. Sometimes we will wonder if what we are doing is really working. I want to look back and remember that children grow up, quickly in fact! Many difficult-to-deal-with behaviors just fade away (not to say we ignore harmful behavior, like hitting other children). I hope that someday when we are old and our children are grown, we can look back with joy at the days our children were growing because we took growth in stride, enjoying our children for who they are. May God continue to remind us/give us the strength to parent with patience.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The Story of John Law and John Grace
"For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"" -Romans 8:15
When I first shared with my mom some of the things we were striving to do as we raised Aydon, she said, "That reminds me of the story your dad always tells about John Law and John Grace." I have been thinking a lot about this story lately...I will share the reason after I tell the story:
There once was a lonely, sad, and dejected woman. She was married to a man named John Law. John was harsh; he had a lot of standards for his wife. He demanded that she keep their house perfectly neat and tidy. Every day, she would wake up and carefully make the bed, sweep the floor and cook breakfast. And every day, her perfect husband would find flaws in her work. If there was a wrinkle in the bed, he pointed it out to her. If the eggs were not cooked perfectly, he gave them back to her and demanded that she make a fresh batch. It was not that John Law's standards were flawed: they were perfect! It was just so discouraging because she could never live up to those standards. She woke every morning feeling hopeless about herself; knowing that she would never be perfect.
One day, John Law suffered a heart attack and died. A few months later, the former Mrs. Law met another man named John Grace, whom she married soon after. The first morning after their wedding, this woman awoke and began the tiresome task of straightening out the house and cooking breakfast. Her new husband greeted her with a hug. Glancing at the bed, he said, "Oh, look, there's a wrinkle in the blanket." Sighing, the sad woman began walking to the bed to straighten the wrinkle, but was surprised by another hug from her new husband accompanied by, "Honey, you look tired, let me fix that for you." The rest of this first day of wedded life was bliss for the tired woman, for though John Grace had as high of standards as John Law, he did not demand for her to reach those standards; rather, he reached them for her. He showered love and compassion on her. He was her helper, there by her side, fixing the messes that she made.
Imagine the transformation in Mrs. Grace, formerly Mrs. Law, after several months of Mr. Grace's kindness!
This story illustrates the incredible gift of grace that we believers have been given, as the verse at the beginning of my post so aptly states.
If we, as believing Christian parents, are given this incredible gift of grace from God in the person of Christ, who reached all of God's perfect standards for us, then how is it that most Christian parents are urged to raise their children under the law? The New Testament makes it very clear that when we strive to reach God's standard on our own, we will always fail: that is why Christ died for us; that is why we have the Holy Spirit to lead and guide and empower us daily. I am astonished that Christian parents, having been given a grace-system under which to operate, demand that their little children, who are still developing and growing, reach a certain standard of perfection, or else. If little two-year-old Johny does not pick up his toys immediately upon being asked, he is punished. If he dumps water on the floor (probably as some sort of two-year-old experiment), he is shamed. I have heard some Christian parents rationalize this treatment of their children by saying, "We are training him," or, "The punishment relieves his guilt; we are doing him a favor," or, "He knew better!"
Graceful parenting means that we have high standards for our children. It also means that we are there to help our children accomplish what we ask. We do not want to lead them into hopelessness. So, if I want my little guy to pick up his toys, I get down on the floor with him on eye level, and kindly tell him that he has a few more minutes to play, and then we will have to pick up the toys. And then, when it is time, I actually help him clean up. If he is angry and does not want to, I give him some time and space, and when he is ready, we pick up the toys. The standard never changes, the means to reaching the standard does. This is raising our children under grace. It is far from permissive. It breeds in our children a spirit of hope, and a knowledge of love. It nurtures our children, teaches them what it means to listen to their parents as we work side by side with them.
When I first shared with my mom some of the things we were striving to do as we raised Aydon, she said, "That reminds me of the story your dad always tells about John Law and John Grace." I have been thinking a lot about this story lately...I will share the reason after I tell the story:
There once was a lonely, sad, and dejected woman. She was married to a man named John Law. John was harsh; he had a lot of standards for his wife. He demanded that she keep their house perfectly neat and tidy. Every day, she would wake up and carefully make the bed, sweep the floor and cook breakfast. And every day, her perfect husband would find flaws in her work. If there was a wrinkle in the bed, he pointed it out to her. If the eggs were not cooked perfectly, he gave them back to her and demanded that she make a fresh batch. It was not that John Law's standards were flawed: they were perfect! It was just so discouraging because she could never live up to those standards. She woke every morning feeling hopeless about herself; knowing that she would never be perfect.
One day, John Law suffered a heart attack and died. A few months later, the former Mrs. Law met another man named John Grace, whom she married soon after. The first morning after their wedding, this woman awoke and began the tiresome task of straightening out the house and cooking breakfast. Her new husband greeted her with a hug. Glancing at the bed, he said, "Oh, look, there's a wrinkle in the blanket." Sighing, the sad woman began walking to the bed to straighten the wrinkle, but was surprised by another hug from her new husband accompanied by, "Honey, you look tired, let me fix that for you." The rest of this first day of wedded life was bliss for the tired woman, for though John Grace had as high of standards as John Law, he did not demand for her to reach those standards; rather, he reached them for her. He showered love and compassion on her. He was her helper, there by her side, fixing the messes that she made.
Imagine the transformation in Mrs. Grace, formerly Mrs. Law, after several months of Mr. Grace's kindness!
This story illustrates the incredible gift of grace that we believers have been given, as the verse at the beginning of my post so aptly states.
If we, as believing Christian parents, are given this incredible gift of grace from God in the person of Christ, who reached all of God's perfect standards for us, then how is it that most Christian parents are urged to raise their children under the law? The New Testament makes it very clear that when we strive to reach God's standard on our own, we will always fail: that is why Christ died for us; that is why we have the Holy Spirit to lead and guide and empower us daily. I am astonished that Christian parents, having been given a grace-system under which to operate, demand that their little children, who are still developing and growing, reach a certain standard of perfection, or else. If little two-year-old Johny does not pick up his toys immediately upon being asked, he is punished. If he dumps water on the floor (probably as some sort of two-year-old experiment), he is shamed. I have heard some Christian parents rationalize this treatment of their children by saying, "We are training him," or, "The punishment relieves his guilt; we are doing him a favor," or, "He knew better!"
Graceful parenting means that we have high standards for our children. It also means that we are there to help our children accomplish what we ask. We do not want to lead them into hopelessness. So, if I want my little guy to pick up his toys, I get down on the floor with him on eye level, and kindly tell him that he has a few more minutes to play, and then we will have to pick up the toys. And then, when it is time, I actually help him clean up. If he is angry and does not want to, I give him some time and space, and when he is ready, we pick up the toys. The standard never changes, the means to reaching the standard does. This is raising our children under grace. It is far from permissive. It breeds in our children a spirit of hope, and a knowledge of love. It nurtures our children, teaches them what it means to listen to their parents as we work side by side with them.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Three Little Words
Yes, I am still blogging! :-) We just returned from a crazy two-week vacation, visiting two sets of in-laws, and tons of cousins, aunts, and uncles.
God chose this vacation to remind me that I am not parenting for accolades from others. My little guy did great at first, but as the days wore on, and more and more people paraded in and out of our lives on a daily basis, he began to crumble. He is normally cheerful and easy-going. He became cranky. He was upset if anyone did anything that bothered him, and loudly declared it. He had tantrums. I felt so sorry for him, knowing that he did not understand everything that was going on; knowing that he was exhausted from lack of sleep; and knowing that he recharges best away from people, from whom there was very little escape on this trip.
Aydon is also the eldest grandson on both sides of the family, so he is used to receiving all the attention. On my side, he has a little cousin who is about half a year younger than him, and loves all the same types of things he does (thomas the tank engine, trains, cars, garbage trucks). So, halfway through our vacation my brother, his wife, and this cute little guy came to stay with my family as well. This threw Aydon for a loop. I had to be constantly watching to make sure my little man did not take toys from him; to help him share (beforehand, we did pick a few toys that he wanted to keep in the room, which he did not have to share); to keep him from pushing his cousin. This was exhausting, and there were so so many tantrums. By the third day, our little man was playing a little better with his cousin. One evening, the were jumping on a little air mattress while my mom supervised. There were laughs and yells of fun coming from the room. Then, suddenly, silence, followed by shrieking wails from Aydon's cousin. I ran into the room, heart racing, fearing the worst. Nightmares came true: Aydon had bitten his cousin on the foot! I was horrified. I picked Aydon up and carried him into the room where we were staying. He was hysterical, screaming, yelling for water, kicking his legs.
My husband went to ask my mom what had happened. Apparently, the boys had been playing well, and suddenly, Aydon became frustrated and upset and then bit his cousin. Ryan, my hubby, came to the room where I was with my beserk kiddo, holding a cup of water. This was one of those tantrums that got worse the longer it went on. I felt like crying. I also felt sorry for Aydon. He was mentally overloaded, emotionally overcharged, and it was spilling out all at once. Don't get me wrong, the biting had to be dealt with, but there were a myriad of causes, and he was just an immature two-year old. As our son's wailing continued, my husband suddenly grabbed in a bear hug, and whispered calmly in his ear, "I love you, Aydon." The horrible tantrum ceased immediately, like a hurricane that miraculously evaporates, as Aydon reached out for a hug from his daddy.We were able to calmly talk to our son about how the biting hurt his cousin; how he would need to tell him sorry; and how we wouldn't be doing any more jumping on the bed that night. After he apologized to his cousin, it was like our son was another person: he played calmly alongside his cousin for the rest of the evening; even offering him various toys to play with.
My husband and I choke back tears when we think about what brought conviction and calmness to our son: three little words, "I love you." How often in our Christian lives do we run from God in shame and disgrace, worried that His grace will not cover us? But when we stop and listen, He is whispering, "I love you." Melting into that love, we are strong enough to face that what we did was wrong. We are able to walk with strength as we face the consequences that sometimes come along with sin, knowing that God holds our hand, loving us; knowing that we stand before Him forgiven.
This parenting by grace thing often leaves us feeling like we are jumping off a cliff into the unknown. Each situation requires a unique response that only God can give through us. We often feel our inexperience as we bumble along, realizing in retrospect that we should have handled some situations differently. This biting incident will forever remain rooted deeply in our minds as an example of the power of a parent's love. Oddly, it made us love our son even more, seeing that he is human, knowing that this was the first of many times that he will make mistakes, just like the rest of us. We are excited to love him throughout the rest of his life; hopefully, he will grow to trust in God's unconditional love offered to him by a selfless Savior on Calvary thousands of years ago.
God chose this vacation to remind me that I am not parenting for accolades from others. My little guy did great at first, but as the days wore on, and more and more people paraded in and out of our lives on a daily basis, he began to crumble. He is normally cheerful and easy-going. He became cranky. He was upset if anyone did anything that bothered him, and loudly declared it. He had tantrums. I felt so sorry for him, knowing that he did not understand everything that was going on; knowing that he was exhausted from lack of sleep; and knowing that he recharges best away from people, from whom there was very little escape on this trip.
Aydon is also the eldest grandson on both sides of the family, so he is used to receiving all the attention. On my side, he has a little cousin who is about half a year younger than him, and loves all the same types of things he does (thomas the tank engine, trains, cars, garbage trucks). So, halfway through our vacation my brother, his wife, and this cute little guy came to stay with my family as well. This threw Aydon for a loop. I had to be constantly watching to make sure my little man did not take toys from him; to help him share (beforehand, we did pick a few toys that he wanted to keep in the room, which he did not have to share); to keep him from pushing his cousin. This was exhausting, and there were so so many tantrums. By the third day, our little man was playing a little better with his cousin. One evening, the were jumping on a little air mattress while my mom supervised. There were laughs and yells of fun coming from the room. Then, suddenly, silence, followed by shrieking wails from Aydon's cousin. I ran into the room, heart racing, fearing the worst. Nightmares came true: Aydon had bitten his cousin on the foot! I was horrified. I picked Aydon up and carried him into the room where we were staying. He was hysterical, screaming, yelling for water, kicking his legs.
My husband went to ask my mom what had happened. Apparently, the boys had been playing well, and suddenly, Aydon became frustrated and upset and then bit his cousin. Ryan, my hubby, came to the room where I was with my beserk kiddo, holding a cup of water. This was one of those tantrums that got worse the longer it went on. I felt like crying. I also felt sorry for Aydon. He was mentally overloaded, emotionally overcharged, and it was spilling out all at once. Don't get me wrong, the biting had to be dealt with, but there were a myriad of causes, and he was just an immature two-year old. As our son's wailing continued, my husband suddenly grabbed in a bear hug, and whispered calmly in his ear, "I love you, Aydon." The horrible tantrum ceased immediately, like a hurricane that miraculously evaporates, as Aydon reached out for a hug from his daddy.We were able to calmly talk to our son about how the biting hurt his cousin; how he would need to tell him sorry; and how we wouldn't be doing any more jumping on the bed that night. After he apologized to his cousin, it was like our son was another person: he played calmly alongside his cousin for the rest of the evening; even offering him various toys to play with.
My husband and I choke back tears when we think about what brought conviction and calmness to our son: three little words, "I love you." How often in our Christian lives do we run from God in shame and disgrace, worried that His grace will not cover us? But when we stop and listen, He is whispering, "I love you." Melting into that love, we are strong enough to face that what we did was wrong. We are able to walk with strength as we face the consequences that sometimes come along with sin, knowing that God holds our hand, loving us; knowing that we stand before Him forgiven.
This parenting by grace thing often leaves us feeling like we are jumping off a cliff into the unknown. Each situation requires a unique response that only God can give through us. We often feel our inexperience as we bumble along, realizing in retrospect that we should have handled some situations differently. This biting incident will forever remain rooted deeply in our minds as an example of the power of a parent's love. Oddly, it made us love our son even more, seeing that he is human, knowing that this was the first of many times that he will make mistakes, just like the rest of us. We are excited to love him throughout the rest of his life; hopefully, he will grow to trust in God's unconditional love offered to him by a selfless Savior on Calvary thousands of years ago.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
What Gentle Discipline is Not, Continued Again :-)
Gentle discipline is not something that occurs only when unacceptable behavior manifests itself. I remember as a child, and even as a teenager, shuddering when I heard the term "discipline". To me, "discipline" meant punishment. It was something I tried hard to avoid.
Gentle, grace-based, discipline, recognizes that to discipline means to teach, not to punish for wrong behavior. When I started studying the true meaning of discipline in the Bible, I went through a real paradigm shift in my understanding of discipline. Previously, discipline was something I imagined I'd "administer" to stop wrong behavior. But I began to understand that discipline was something that should occur all day, every day, because it meant that I was teaching.
Gentle discipline, for the Christian, means that all day, every day, I am to be teaching my little guys. I am to teach him right from wrong. I am to teach him how to cope with problem situations he will encounter. I am to teach him appropriate ways to interact with other children. I am to teach him how to be safe. Most importantly, I am to teach him, both by words and by example as an authority in his life, who God is.
Gentle discipline, then, is ongoing, not sporadic. It is not always pleasant for our children, but it teaches them that discipline is the process of learning. Hopefully, when they hear that God disciplines His children, they will eagerly embrace God's teaching and training.
Gentle, grace-based, discipline, recognizes that to discipline means to teach, not to punish for wrong behavior. When I started studying the true meaning of discipline in the Bible, I went through a real paradigm shift in my understanding of discipline. Previously, discipline was something I imagined I'd "administer" to stop wrong behavior. But I began to understand that discipline was something that should occur all day, every day, because it meant that I was teaching.
Gentle discipline, for the Christian, means that all day, every day, I am to be teaching my little guys. I am to teach him right from wrong. I am to teach him how to cope with problem situations he will encounter. I am to teach him appropriate ways to interact with other children. I am to teach him how to be safe. Most importantly, I am to teach him, both by words and by example as an authority in his life, who God is.
Gentle discipline, then, is ongoing, not sporadic. It is not always pleasant for our children, but it teaches them that discipline is the process of learning. Hopefully, when they hear that God disciplines His children, they will eagerly embrace God's teaching and training.
Saturday, October 23, 2010
What Gentle Discipline is Not, Continued
Gentle disciplines is not adversarial! This week, I dealt with a little five year old girl who has been spanked, given time-outs, and tantalized with rewards for good behavior her whole life. She is one of the worst-behaved, violent little children I have ever encountered. You see, this little girl hears an authority figure set a limit, and she gears up for battle. She is strong-willed and intelligent, and she digs in her heals when she does not want to do something. Her mom told me that one time she spanked her very hard, borderline abuse hard, and the little girl came out of the bathroom laughing. My wonderful husband, upon hearing this story, told me that that is exactly how he was as a child. This week, the little girl told me, when I set a limit, that she was going to smash my head...she proceeded to approach me and push on my head. My sweet little Aydon was terrified. Needless to say, I put my foot down and said that I will no longer watch this girl, for the sake of my son.
I do not want to lump all children into two categories, but I will say that it seems to me that some children are sensitive to what their parents think and feel, and some children, though they definitely crave the love and affection of their parents, are born into this world not so worried about how their parents feel about their behavior: they have a heart to conquer, to win, to lead. Many children have a combination of both of these spirits, and all children were created by God with the personalities that He gave them. The more sensitive children respond quickly to punitive discipline. Having their parents spank them, or put them in time out, breaks their hearts, but they cover it up to please their parents and keep them happy. They act as good as possible to avoid punishment. If they choose to disobey, they often are sneaky; not outwardly rebellious. The children with "strong wills" are more likely to question their parents. Punitive discipline sets them up for a life-long fight. Letting a spanking in any way affect them proves to the world that their parents won, and they will not have it.
Gentle discipline addresses both personalities, because the parent embraces the role of a teacher, a discipler, who comes alongside the child, works with the child's personality, and guides the child in the right direction. Christians who use gentle discipline recognize that a child's heart is what matters, and that outward good behavior does not always mean that the heart is in the same place. These Christian parents seek to teach their children right from wrong, yet they also do not mislead their children into thinking that outward good behavior is all that counts. They allow God to work in their child's hearts. They refuse to shame their children into acting good. They treat their children with the same grace God bestows on them.
I do not want to lump all children into two categories, but I will say that it seems to me that some children are sensitive to what their parents think and feel, and some children, though they definitely crave the love and affection of their parents, are born into this world not so worried about how their parents feel about their behavior: they have a heart to conquer, to win, to lead. Many children have a combination of both of these spirits, and all children were created by God with the personalities that He gave them. The more sensitive children respond quickly to punitive discipline. Having their parents spank them, or put them in time out, breaks their hearts, but they cover it up to please their parents and keep them happy. They act as good as possible to avoid punishment. If they choose to disobey, they often are sneaky; not outwardly rebellious. The children with "strong wills" are more likely to question their parents. Punitive discipline sets them up for a life-long fight. Letting a spanking in any way affect them proves to the world that their parents won, and they will not have it.
Gentle discipline addresses both personalities, because the parent embraces the role of a teacher, a discipler, who comes alongside the child, works with the child's personality, and guides the child in the right direction. Christians who use gentle discipline recognize that a child's heart is what matters, and that outward good behavior does not always mean that the heart is in the same place. These Christian parents seek to teach their children right from wrong, yet they also do not mislead their children into thinking that outward good behavior is all that counts. They allow God to work in their child's hearts. They refuse to shame their children into acting good. They treat their children with the same grace God bestows on them.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
What Gentle Discipline is Not
I love how Ezzo describes the attachment parent in Babywise: a total pushover parent with absolutely no boundaries. While this is most certainly true of some people who practice attachment parenting, it is also most certainly true of some "punitive" minded parents.
I love taking my son to the park in the evenings. But sometimes I get so tired of parents who sit on the sidelines and yell at their kids, "stop doing xyz, or you'll be sorry!" Minutes tick by, the child continues his/her behavior, and the parent either pretends not to notice the child, or the parent continues with meaningless yelling. Occasionally, said parent will become incredibly angry, walk over to his/her child, yank them by the arm, and either pop them on the bottom or drag them, parent and child screaming, to the bench on the side. The parent is angry; the child feels that he/she has been treated unjustly. No real discipline is occurring here. My heart cries as I watch parent/child relationships deteriorate in this way.
Gentle discipline takes another approach. The parent sees the child doing something dangerous or harmful to others. The parent walks over to child, and redirects. If the child digs in his/her heels and refuses to be redirected, the parent, kindly and respectfully, yet firmly, holds the child's hand, or picks the child up, steering the child in a different direction. The parent shows the child acceptable alternatives to the unwanted behavior. The parent is willing to play with the child.
I love some of the results I am seeing in my son's life due to this type of discipline. When I will not allow him to do something, yet express my understanding at his frustration, more times then I can count, he comes running to my arms, telling me, "I'm sad..." or "I'm worried about...." or "I wanted to...". Isn't this the way God wants us to respond to Him when He tells us "no" or "later" or "that is bad for you"? He wants us to go running to His arms for comfort!
Well, little man is waking from his nap...I will post more on this subject later.
I love taking my son to the park in the evenings. But sometimes I get so tired of parents who sit on the sidelines and yell at their kids, "stop doing xyz, or you'll be sorry!" Minutes tick by, the child continues his/her behavior, and the parent either pretends not to notice the child, or the parent continues with meaningless yelling. Occasionally, said parent will become incredibly angry, walk over to his/her child, yank them by the arm, and either pop them on the bottom or drag them, parent and child screaming, to the bench on the side. The parent is angry; the child feels that he/she has been treated unjustly. No real discipline is occurring here. My heart cries as I watch parent/child relationships deteriorate in this way.
Gentle discipline takes another approach. The parent sees the child doing something dangerous or harmful to others. The parent walks over to child, and redirects. If the child digs in his/her heels and refuses to be redirected, the parent, kindly and respectfully, yet firmly, holds the child's hand, or picks the child up, steering the child in a different direction. The parent shows the child acceptable alternatives to the unwanted behavior. The parent is willing to play with the child.
I love some of the results I am seeing in my son's life due to this type of discipline. When I will not allow him to do something, yet express my understanding at his frustration, more times then I can count, he comes running to my arms, telling me, "I'm sad..." or "I'm worried about...." or "I wanted to...". Isn't this the way God wants us to respond to Him when He tells us "no" or "later" or "that is bad for you"? He wants us to go running to His arms for comfort!
Well, little man is waking from his nap...I will post more on this subject later.
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