I have always wanted to be gracious towards other parents, and as I was rereading my former post, I realize that it was more of a vent than an encouragement! Hopefully I didn't hurt or offend anyone.
God has really just been humbling me lately as a parent, and showing me how much I NEED HIM! My little guy missed his nap today, and we went grocery shopping instead....not always a smart idea. He did great, but when we got home, he was a bit stare crazy so I took him to the park at our apartments. He rode his tricycle as usual, and we were doing fine until we were on our way home, in the parking lot, and a car needed to back up. I told my little guy, "Uh, oh, car backing up, we need to move!" and he did not budge. Instead, he said, "no, it's not!" Yes, this is little man. He is very much like his daddy. Don't ask him to do something if he does not feel that there is a logical reason to do it. :-) I realized this recently, and I have started to rephrase my requests to "You need to, or mommy will help you," rather than giving him an explanation right then. Anyways, long story short, little man dug in his heals until I was forced to pick up him and his trike and move him to the side of the parking lot...and a massive fit ensued. Yes, for the whole apartments to see... I sat in the grass with him and held him while the fit went on and on and on...not at all typical behavior for my little guy.
Public fits really bring out the humanity in me. I was embarrassed and so tempted to be harsh and punitive. I did not look to God for help as I should have. The fit finally slowed and I told my son, "Listen to mommy first, and when you are not mad, we can return to your trike." He finally decided to listen, and calmed himself. I talked with him about how important it is to listen to me because I love him and am trying to take care of him...I wonder how much he really understood, because when I since looked back on the situation, I saw a myriad of factors that affected my son's behavior: lack of sleep, hunger, fear of losing his trike, fear of his big feelings. I do not regret standing my ground, but I wish that I would have in a gentler spirit, trusting God, instead of worrying about the neighbors. Initially, I tried to reason with my tired tot to get him to move out of the way; in retrospect, I should have said, firmly and kindly, "You need to move now, or else mommy will pick you up and move you," and followed through...we might have avoided what turned into a "showdown", adversarial type situation. Ugh, sometimes I hate the way I handle things. To make matters worse, kids are SO forgiving, so quick to go back to loving their mommies and daddies after rocky times.
I just realize how important it is for me to be gracious towards other mommies! God always uses little situations like tonight to humble me, to keep me from being judgmental, and to remind me to rest in His strength, to trust in His guidance.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Wednesday, January 19, 2011
The Prodigal Son
I am so frustrated! I heard the argument recently from another mom as to why we should spank. It went something like this: "It's not child abuse! You take the child into the room, explain to them their offense, and then spank them."
If I would have been quicker on my feet, I might have asked her the following: "If a man beats/hits his wife, that is abuse, right? (rhetorical answer, yes) If a man brings his wife into the room, explains to her her offense, and then hits her on her bottom until she cries remorsefully, is that abuse? (rhetorical answer, yes) What if the woman isn't submitting to her husband like God tells her to, and that is why he is bringing her into the room? Is it still abuse for him to hit her? I mean, she deserves it, right? (rhetorical answer, yes, it is still abuse)"
How can we call an adult hitting another adult, even if the hitting is not done in anger, even if it is done with an explanation first, abuse, and yet say that when an adult hits a child a CERTAIN WAY, it is not abuse??? Furthermore, I would like to have asked, if spanking is biblical, then you should be following the following Proverb literally: "Beat your child with a rod and he shall not die...". We should have big heavy rods sitting around our house, and we should be beating our children with them. Oh, wait, nope, not our children, actually, our teenagers, because that is what is meant by the word child in this verse (na'ar). Where is the Biblical prescription that says we should take our children into their rooms, explain the offense, and then spank? Where is it??
Certainly, the Proverbs and all of Scripture speaks to parents being authorities in the lives of their children. It speaks to parents being actively involved in training and teaching and correcting (nurturing and admonishing) their children. We see that all hell breaks loose when children are raised with no parental involvement, with no parental intervention when they are doing wrong. As parents, we have a choice as to how we will intervene with our children. Will we intervene with grace, will we correct with gentleness and compassion? Can we teach our children right from wrong without physically or emotionally harming them?
I have been thinking about the story of the prodigal son, for that is a story that describes God as a father. The prodigal's father allowed his son to leave home and to live in sin. He was not permissive, though: he let his son experience the intrinsic consequences in the sin. He did not bail his son out of his problems. But he was always at home, waiting expectantly for his son to return. Was he waiting at home with a rod in hand? No! In fact, the prodigal son, upon his return home, wanted to repay his father for all his offenses. He wanted to work off his debt to his dad. He was willing to be a servant in his daddies house. But his dad welcomed him home: no shaming, no punishing. The son was still a son. The son had experienced the yuckiness of sin, and knew that life with his father was infinitely better.
Now this is a model for us parents! When our children choose to do wrong, we do not always shield them from the consequences for their sin, especially when they are older. For example, if they steal, they will need to return the stolen object, apologize, and perhaps work for/serve the person they stole from. But do they need to somehow "pay" God or us as parents back for their wrong by suffering? No! That is where grace comes in. We are the ones who should always be waiting for our children with open arms, eyes full of love, of grace. Our children should never feel that they will not be accepted by us after they do wrong until they first suffer. Trust me, if we teach them this, they will approach God in this way. They will be afraid of Him after they sin...they will wonder, "How hard of a spanking (we Christians translate this into trials) will I get for this one?" Let's model to our children who God is correctly! Let's look closely at the Bible to see how God really wants us to raise our children. Let's not parent out of fear, feeling that we must control our children, let's parent them with confidence, knowing that we are their authorities, but that does not give us permission to treat them any differently than God would call us to treat a fellow believer.
If I would have been quicker on my feet, I might have asked her the following: "If a man beats/hits his wife, that is abuse, right? (rhetorical answer, yes) If a man brings his wife into the room, explains to her her offense, and then hits her on her bottom until she cries remorsefully, is that abuse? (rhetorical answer, yes) What if the woman isn't submitting to her husband like God tells her to, and that is why he is bringing her into the room? Is it still abuse for him to hit her? I mean, she deserves it, right? (rhetorical answer, yes, it is still abuse)"
How can we call an adult hitting another adult, even if the hitting is not done in anger, even if it is done with an explanation first, abuse, and yet say that when an adult hits a child a CERTAIN WAY, it is not abuse??? Furthermore, I would like to have asked, if spanking is biblical, then you should be following the following Proverb literally: "Beat your child with a rod and he shall not die...". We should have big heavy rods sitting around our house, and we should be beating our children with them. Oh, wait, nope, not our children, actually, our teenagers, because that is what is meant by the word child in this verse (na'ar). Where is the Biblical prescription that says we should take our children into their rooms, explain the offense, and then spank? Where is it??
Certainly, the Proverbs and all of Scripture speaks to parents being authorities in the lives of their children. It speaks to parents being actively involved in training and teaching and correcting (nurturing and admonishing) their children. We see that all hell breaks loose when children are raised with no parental involvement, with no parental intervention when they are doing wrong. As parents, we have a choice as to how we will intervene with our children. Will we intervene with grace, will we correct with gentleness and compassion? Can we teach our children right from wrong without physically or emotionally harming them?
I have been thinking about the story of the prodigal son, for that is a story that describes God as a father. The prodigal's father allowed his son to leave home and to live in sin. He was not permissive, though: he let his son experience the intrinsic consequences in the sin. He did not bail his son out of his problems. But he was always at home, waiting expectantly for his son to return. Was he waiting at home with a rod in hand? No! In fact, the prodigal son, upon his return home, wanted to repay his father for all his offenses. He wanted to work off his debt to his dad. He was willing to be a servant in his daddies house. But his dad welcomed him home: no shaming, no punishing. The son was still a son. The son had experienced the yuckiness of sin, and knew that life with his father was infinitely better.
Now this is a model for us parents! When our children choose to do wrong, we do not always shield them from the consequences for their sin, especially when they are older. For example, if they steal, they will need to return the stolen object, apologize, and perhaps work for/serve the person they stole from. But do they need to somehow "pay" God or us as parents back for their wrong by suffering? No! That is where grace comes in. We are the ones who should always be waiting for our children with open arms, eyes full of love, of grace. Our children should never feel that they will not be accepted by us after they do wrong until they first suffer. Trust me, if we teach them this, they will approach God in this way. They will be afraid of Him after they sin...they will wonder, "How hard of a spanking (we Christians translate this into trials) will I get for this one?" Let's model to our children who God is correctly! Let's look closely at the Bible to see how God really wants us to raise our children. Let's not parent out of fear, feeling that we must control our children, let's parent them with confidence, knowing that we are their authorities, but that does not give us permission to treat them any differently than God would call us to treat a fellow believer.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
A Few Tools That Have Worked With Our Sweet Little Guy
My little guy is a little older than 2.5. I have noticed that he seems to feel more content and secure when we do what we say. In order to always do what we say, we try to have very few boundaries. With our little guy, we do not want him throwing any toys except balls or stuffed animals, we do not want him to hit, bite, or kick us or others. Those are two of our main rules. We enforce them be being with our little guy, and by constant reminders and do-overs (not in a nag, nag way, just kind, and firm and consistent). We also redirect him to things that he CAN do. The other day, he picked up a car, and was about to throw it, then looked questioningly at us. "No, cars are not for throwing," I said firmly. He ran over and picked up another toy, looking at us again, his eyes saying, "what about this one?" "No, that toy is hard. It gives owies!" I replied, "But, you can throw your ball." A look of relief came into his eyes, and he said, "Where is it?" and trotted happily into the bedroom to retrieve it.
I also love routines, and so does my little guy. They help so much with behavior issues. For example, I limit TV and sweets. He is allowed a small sweet treat and 20-30 minutes of TV in the am when he wakes up, and the same thing in the pm after his nap. He loves this routine!! It keeps me from having to constantly be answering requests for more TV or more sweets all day, and it gives him something to look forward too. Routines are boundaries, but they also give kiddos something to look forward too. Oh, and we go to the park after I do dishes every day (being outdoors a ton lets out nervous energy too).
I also like to think of my words as "gold." They are so valuable, and if I mean what I say now, then it sets a foundation for my little guy's later years too. So, if I ask my son to do something, and he flat-out refuses, then I repeat, "You need to....". If he still refuses I say, "You need to..., or mommy will help you....". This is magical. Little man would prefer to do things on his own, to assert his independence, so 9 times out of 10, he chooses to do what I asked him on his own. If he does not, I pick him up immediately, and help him do what I asked. If he throws a fit, I will allow the fit some space (unless we are in the middle of the road, then I would move him to the side), and allow my little guy to calm down, and then we still follow through with what needs to be done. If he is tired, hungry, angry, lonely, then I do not request things of him, but deal with his needs first.
Another wonderful tool, is to give your little guy an exciting, beneficial-to-him reason to do something (this is not a bribe, as it is what we would do anyway, it just reminds him that something good is coming after he does what is not so fun--this motivates me too, with my household chores). My little man hates getting his diaper changed, but when he hears, "First get diaper changed, then we can go to the park," he is very quick to lie on the floor for me to change it. Or, if he won't wear his shoes, "Ok, no shoes! Then no playing outside," (said with empathy and kindness)...this takes patience, a willingness to wait for your child to decide on his own that he is ready to get his shoes on so that he can go play outside, etc.
GD means that we choose to parent with grace and empathy, to help our children, with gentleness, do what they need to do, to get down on their level and try to understand life from their perspective. It is far from permissive; it is a TON of work, because you cannot be a couch parent who yells out orders to your kids. If you say something, you need to be able to KINDLY and LOVINGLY enforce it. You have to be willing to endure tantrums and learn how best to soothe and encourage your child through the tantrum. You have to realize that you are parenting before God and not before others.
When I write things out, it always helps me to see areas that I need to work on, so this exercise has been good for me! More than anything, a walk with God by us parents is essential. Without His strength working through us, we would be unable to be both firm and gentle, wise and patient.
I also love routines, and so does my little guy. They help so much with behavior issues. For example, I limit TV and sweets. He is allowed a small sweet treat and 20-30 minutes of TV in the am when he wakes up, and the same thing in the pm after his nap. He loves this routine!! It keeps me from having to constantly be answering requests for more TV or more sweets all day, and it gives him something to look forward too. Routines are boundaries, but they also give kiddos something to look forward too. Oh, and we go to the park after I do dishes every day (being outdoors a ton lets out nervous energy too).
I also like to think of my words as "gold." They are so valuable, and if I mean what I say now, then it sets a foundation for my little guy's later years too. So, if I ask my son to do something, and he flat-out refuses, then I repeat, "You need to....". If he still refuses I say, "You need to..., or mommy will help you....". This is magical. Little man would prefer to do things on his own, to assert his independence, so 9 times out of 10, he chooses to do what I asked him on his own. If he does not, I pick him up immediately, and help him do what I asked. If he throws a fit, I will allow the fit some space (unless we are in the middle of the road, then I would move him to the side), and allow my little guy to calm down, and then we still follow through with what needs to be done. If he is tired, hungry, angry, lonely, then I do not request things of him, but deal with his needs first.
Another wonderful tool, is to give your little guy an exciting, beneficial-to-him reason to do something (this is not a bribe, as it is what we would do anyway, it just reminds him that something good is coming after he does what is not so fun--this motivates me too, with my household chores). My little man hates getting his diaper changed, but when he hears, "First get diaper changed, then we can go to the park," he is very quick to lie on the floor for me to change it. Or, if he won't wear his shoes, "Ok, no shoes! Then no playing outside," (said with empathy and kindness)...this takes patience, a willingness to wait for your child to decide on his own that he is ready to get his shoes on so that he can go play outside, etc.
GD means that we choose to parent with grace and empathy, to help our children, with gentleness, do what they need to do, to get down on their level and try to understand life from their perspective. It is far from permissive; it is a TON of work, because you cannot be a couch parent who yells out orders to your kids. If you say something, you need to be able to KINDLY and LOVINGLY enforce it. You have to be willing to endure tantrums and learn how best to soothe and encourage your child through the tantrum. You have to realize that you are parenting before God and not before others.
When I write things out, it always helps me to see areas that I need to work on, so this exercise has been good for me! More than anything, a walk with God by us parents is essential. Without His strength working through us, we would be unable to be both firm and gentle, wise and patient.
Saturday, December 18, 2010
Growing Up
We went the mall yesterday to do some Christmas shopping. Usually, at the mall, we let our little guy walk without holding our hands as long as he stays close. But yesterday the mall was unusually crowded, so we told him that he needed to stay right beside us, and sometimes he would would need to hold our hands. Marvelously, he reached up and held my hand the whole time. I reminded my husband how a few months ago, we had to endure meltdowns because our son did not want to hold our hands; because he wanted to go a different direction/speed then we were going. At one point, our son exclaimed, "Look at that!" He started to run, and I said, "Aydon, wait! Show mommy what you want to see." And he did! Communication is wonderful.
Then later in the day we went to Barnes and Noble to hang out and let our little guy play with the wooden train there, which he loves. I smiled as I watched him interact with the other children, not take their trains away, and walk around them, rather than shoving them, when they were in his way. How many grueling days we have spent teaching our son to walk around the kids who are in his way, teaching him to give one of his trains to children who have no trains! Then, as we were leaving the bookstore, our son surprised us by throwing a tantrum because he was not ready to leave. The beautiful thing was that both my husband and I understood that he was overtired, and we understood what it was like to have to leave an activity that you love, and we were able to respond with empathy without giving in (not to say we weren't tempted to be embarrassed, but when we stand in confidence in God's acceptance of us, we don't need to worry about what others think!).
Today I took my son to the grocery store for a quick trip. Usually, he rides in the cart, but if I have a small list, I let him walk. It is good practice for one day when I cannot fit him and the baby into a cart. I told him ahead of time, "No candy and no chocolate today." I also told him that he needed to stay close to me; then we could go really fast and get home quickly so that he could play. He held onto the cart the whole time, staying close (this is really nothing short of miraculous!), "helping" me push it.
I take very little credit for my son's great behavior these last few days. He is growing up, and he is able to communicate with me; that solves so many issues. We have definitely had two mottoes with our son: always follow through with what we say, no matter what, with kindness and empathy AND repeat, repeat, rinse, and repeat when we are teaching him a skill (like walking beside the grocery cart at the store). But I am definitely not a perfect parent who knows it all! I will not be shocked if, in a week or so, some new and challenging behavior surfaces, and I am left muddled and confused and running to God for direction.
So why am I writing this post? To remind myself that children go through stages as they grow up-some of them pleasant, some of them not so pleasant. Sometimes we will fell worn out and want to give up. Sometimes we will wonder if what we are doing is really working. I want to look back and remember that children grow up, quickly in fact! Many difficult-to-deal-with behaviors just fade away (not to say we ignore harmful behavior, like hitting other children). I hope that someday when we are old and our children are grown, we can look back with joy at the days our children were growing because we took growth in stride, enjoying our children for who they are. May God continue to remind us/give us the strength to parent with patience.
Then later in the day we went to Barnes and Noble to hang out and let our little guy play with the wooden train there, which he loves. I smiled as I watched him interact with the other children, not take their trains away, and walk around them, rather than shoving them, when they were in his way. How many grueling days we have spent teaching our son to walk around the kids who are in his way, teaching him to give one of his trains to children who have no trains! Then, as we were leaving the bookstore, our son surprised us by throwing a tantrum because he was not ready to leave. The beautiful thing was that both my husband and I understood that he was overtired, and we understood what it was like to have to leave an activity that you love, and we were able to respond with empathy without giving in (not to say we weren't tempted to be embarrassed, but when we stand in confidence in God's acceptance of us, we don't need to worry about what others think!).
Today I took my son to the grocery store for a quick trip. Usually, he rides in the cart, but if I have a small list, I let him walk. It is good practice for one day when I cannot fit him and the baby into a cart. I told him ahead of time, "No candy and no chocolate today." I also told him that he needed to stay close to me; then we could go really fast and get home quickly so that he could play. He held onto the cart the whole time, staying close (this is really nothing short of miraculous!), "helping" me push it.
I take very little credit for my son's great behavior these last few days. He is growing up, and he is able to communicate with me; that solves so many issues. We have definitely had two mottoes with our son: always follow through with what we say, no matter what, with kindness and empathy AND repeat, repeat, rinse, and repeat when we are teaching him a skill (like walking beside the grocery cart at the store). But I am definitely not a perfect parent who knows it all! I will not be shocked if, in a week or so, some new and challenging behavior surfaces, and I am left muddled and confused and running to God for direction.
So why am I writing this post? To remind myself that children go through stages as they grow up-some of them pleasant, some of them not so pleasant. Sometimes we will fell worn out and want to give up. Sometimes we will wonder if what we are doing is really working. I want to look back and remember that children grow up, quickly in fact! Many difficult-to-deal-with behaviors just fade away (not to say we ignore harmful behavior, like hitting other children). I hope that someday when we are old and our children are grown, we can look back with joy at the days our children were growing because we took growth in stride, enjoying our children for who they are. May God continue to remind us/give us the strength to parent with patience.
Sunday, December 5, 2010
The Story of John Law and John Grace
"For you have not received a spirit of slavery leading to fear again, but you have received a spirit of adoption as sons by which we cry out, "Abba! Father!"" -Romans 8:15
When I first shared with my mom some of the things we were striving to do as we raised Aydon, she said, "That reminds me of the story your dad always tells about John Law and John Grace." I have been thinking a lot about this story lately...I will share the reason after I tell the story:
There once was a lonely, sad, and dejected woman. She was married to a man named John Law. John was harsh; he had a lot of standards for his wife. He demanded that she keep their house perfectly neat and tidy. Every day, she would wake up and carefully make the bed, sweep the floor and cook breakfast. And every day, her perfect husband would find flaws in her work. If there was a wrinkle in the bed, he pointed it out to her. If the eggs were not cooked perfectly, he gave them back to her and demanded that she make a fresh batch. It was not that John Law's standards were flawed: they were perfect! It was just so discouraging because she could never live up to those standards. She woke every morning feeling hopeless about herself; knowing that she would never be perfect.
One day, John Law suffered a heart attack and died. A few months later, the former Mrs. Law met another man named John Grace, whom she married soon after. The first morning after their wedding, this woman awoke and began the tiresome task of straightening out the house and cooking breakfast. Her new husband greeted her with a hug. Glancing at the bed, he said, "Oh, look, there's a wrinkle in the blanket." Sighing, the sad woman began walking to the bed to straighten the wrinkle, but was surprised by another hug from her new husband accompanied by, "Honey, you look tired, let me fix that for you." The rest of this first day of wedded life was bliss for the tired woman, for though John Grace had as high of standards as John Law, he did not demand for her to reach those standards; rather, he reached them for her. He showered love and compassion on her. He was her helper, there by her side, fixing the messes that she made.
Imagine the transformation in Mrs. Grace, formerly Mrs. Law, after several months of Mr. Grace's kindness!
This story illustrates the incredible gift of grace that we believers have been given, as the verse at the beginning of my post so aptly states.
If we, as believing Christian parents, are given this incredible gift of grace from God in the person of Christ, who reached all of God's perfect standards for us, then how is it that most Christian parents are urged to raise their children under the law? The New Testament makes it very clear that when we strive to reach God's standard on our own, we will always fail: that is why Christ died for us; that is why we have the Holy Spirit to lead and guide and empower us daily. I am astonished that Christian parents, having been given a grace-system under which to operate, demand that their little children, who are still developing and growing, reach a certain standard of perfection, or else. If little two-year-old Johny does not pick up his toys immediately upon being asked, he is punished. If he dumps water on the floor (probably as some sort of two-year-old experiment), he is shamed. I have heard some Christian parents rationalize this treatment of their children by saying, "We are training him," or, "The punishment relieves his guilt; we are doing him a favor," or, "He knew better!"
Graceful parenting means that we have high standards for our children. It also means that we are there to help our children accomplish what we ask. We do not want to lead them into hopelessness. So, if I want my little guy to pick up his toys, I get down on the floor with him on eye level, and kindly tell him that he has a few more minutes to play, and then we will have to pick up the toys. And then, when it is time, I actually help him clean up. If he is angry and does not want to, I give him some time and space, and when he is ready, we pick up the toys. The standard never changes, the means to reaching the standard does. This is raising our children under grace. It is far from permissive. It breeds in our children a spirit of hope, and a knowledge of love. It nurtures our children, teaches them what it means to listen to their parents as we work side by side with them.
When I first shared with my mom some of the things we were striving to do as we raised Aydon, she said, "That reminds me of the story your dad always tells about John Law and John Grace." I have been thinking a lot about this story lately...I will share the reason after I tell the story:
There once was a lonely, sad, and dejected woman. She was married to a man named John Law. John was harsh; he had a lot of standards for his wife. He demanded that she keep their house perfectly neat and tidy. Every day, she would wake up and carefully make the bed, sweep the floor and cook breakfast. And every day, her perfect husband would find flaws in her work. If there was a wrinkle in the bed, he pointed it out to her. If the eggs were not cooked perfectly, he gave them back to her and demanded that she make a fresh batch. It was not that John Law's standards were flawed: they were perfect! It was just so discouraging because she could never live up to those standards. She woke every morning feeling hopeless about herself; knowing that she would never be perfect.
One day, John Law suffered a heart attack and died. A few months later, the former Mrs. Law met another man named John Grace, whom she married soon after. The first morning after their wedding, this woman awoke and began the tiresome task of straightening out the house and cooking breakfast. Her new husband greeted her with a hug. Glancing at the bed, he said, "Oh, look, there's a wrinkle in the blanket." Sighing, the sad woman began walking to the bed to straighten the wrinkle, but was surprised by another hug from her new husband accompanied by, "Honey, you look tired, let me fix that for you." The rest of this first day of wedded life was bliss for the tired woman, for though John Grace had as high of standards as John Law, he did not demand for her to reach those standards; rather, he reached them for her. He showered love and compassion on her. He was her helper, there by her side, fixing the messes that she made.
Imagine the transformation in Mrs. Grace, formerly Mrs. Law, after several months of Mr. Grace's kindness!
This story illustrates the incredible gift of grace that we believers have been given, as the verse at the beginning of my post so aptly states.
If we, as believing Christian parents, are given this incredible gift of grace from God in the person of Christ, who reached all of God's perfect standards for us, then how is it that most Christian parents are urged to raise their children under the law? The New Testament makes it very clear that when we strive to reach God's standard on our own, we will always fail: that is why Christ died for us; that is why we have the Holy Spirit to lead and guide and empower us daily. I am astonished that Christian parents, having been given a grace-system under which to operate, demand that their little children, who are still developing and growing, reach a certain standard of perfection, or else. If little two-year-old Johny does not pick up his toys immediately upon being asked, he is punished. If he dumps water on the floor (probably as some sort of two-year-old experiment), he is shamed. I have heard some Christian parents rationalize this treatment of their children by saying, "We are training him," or, "The punishment relieves his guilt; we are doing him a favor," or, "He knew better!"
Graceful parenting means that we have high standards for our children. It also means that we are there to help our children accomplish what we ask. We do not want to lead them into hopelessness. So, if I want my little guy to pick up his toys, I get down on the floor with him on eye level, and kindly tell him that he has a few more minutes to play, and then we will have to pick up the toys. And then, when it is time, I actually help him clean up. If he is angry and does not want to, I give him some time and space, and when he is ready, we pick up the toys. The standard never changes, the means to reaching the standard does. This is raising our children under grace. It is far from permissive. It breeds in our children a spirit of hope, and a knowledge of love. It nurtures our children, teaches them what it means to listen to their parents as we work side by side with them.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Three Little Words
Yes, I am still blogging! :-) We just returned from a crazy two-week vacation, visiting two sets of in-laws, and tons of cousins, aunts, and uncles.
God chose this vacation to remind me that I am not parenting for accolades from others. My little guy did great at first, but as the days wore on, and more and more people paraded in and out of our lives on a daily basis, he began to crumble. He is normally cheerful and easy-going. He became cranky. He was upset if anyone did anything that bothered him, and loudly declared it. He had tantrums. I felt so sorry for him, knowing that he did not understand everything that was going on; knowing that he was exhausted from lack of sleep; and knowing that he recharges best away from people, from whom there was very little escape on this trip.
Aydon is also the eldest grandson on both sides of the family, so he is used to receiving all the attention. On my side, he has a little cousin who is about half a year younger than him, and loves all the same types of things he does (thomas the tank engine, trains, cars, garbage trucks). So, halfway through our vacation my brother, his wife, and this cute little guy came to stay with my family as well. This threw Aydon for a loop. I had to be constantly watching to make sure my little man did not take toys from him; to help him share (beforehand, we did pick a few toys that he wanted to keep in the room, which he did not have to share); to keep him from pushing his cousin. This was exhausting, and there were so so many tantrums. By the third day, our little man was playing a little better with his cousin. One evening, the were jumping on a little air mattress while my mom supervised. There were laughs and yells of fun coming from the room. Then, suddenly, silence, followed by shrieking wails from Aydon's cousin. I ran into the room, heart racing, fearing the worst. Nightmares came true: Aydon had bitten his cousin on the foot! I was horrified. I picked Aydon up and carried him into the room where we were staying. He was hysterical, screaming, yelling for water, kicking his legs.
My husband went to ask my mom what had happened. Apparently, the boys had been playing well, and suddenly, Aydon became frustrated and upset and then bit his cousin. Ryan, my hubby, came to the room where I was with my beserk kiddo, holding a cup of water. This was one of those tantrums that got worse the longer it went on. I felt like crying. I also felt sorry for Aydon. He was mentally overloaded, emotionally overcharged, and it was spilling out all at once. Don't get me wrong, the biting had to be dealt with, but there were a myriad of causes, and he was just an immature two-year old. As our son's wailing continued, my husband suddenly grabbed in a bear hug, and whispered calmly in his ear, "I love you, Aydon." The horrible tantrum ceased immediately, like a hurricane that miraculously evaporates, as Aydon reached out for a hug from his daddy.We were able to calmly talk to our son about how the biting hurt his cousin; how he would need to tell him sorry; and how we wouldn't be doing any more jumping on the bed that night. After he apologized to his cousin, it was like our son was another person: he played calmly alongside his cousin for the rest of the evening; even offering him various toys to play with.
My husband and I choke back tears when we think about what brought conviction and calmness to our son: three little words, "I love you." How often in our Christian lives do we run from God in shame and disgrace, worried that His grace will not cover us? But when we stop and listen, He is whispering, "I love you." Melting into that love, we are strong enough to face that what we did was wrong. We are able to walk with strength as we face the consequences that sometimes come along with sin, knowing that God holds our hand, loving us; knowing that we stand before Him forgiven.
This parenting by grace thing often leaves us feeling like we are jumping off a cliff into the unknown. Each situation requires a unique response that only God can give through us. We often feel our inexperience as we bumble along, realizing in retrospect that we should have handled some situations differently. This biting incident will forever remain rooted deeply in our minds as an example of the power of a parent's love. Oddly, it made us love our son even more, seeing that he is human, knowing that this was the first of many times that he will make mistakes, just like the rest of us. We are excited to love him throughout the rest of his life; hopefully, he will grow to trust in God's unconditional love offered to him by a selfless Savior on Calvary thousands of years ago.
God chose this vacation to remind me that I am not parenting for accolades from others. My little guy did great at first, but as the days wore on, and more and more people paraded in and out of our lives on a daily basis, he began to crumble. He is normally cheerful and easy-going. He became cranky. He was upset if anyone did anything that bothered him, and loudly declared it. He had tantrums. I felt so sorry for him, knowing that he did not understand everything that was going on; knowing that he was exhausted from lack of sleep; and knowing that he recharges best away from people, from whom there was very little escape on this trip.
Aydon is also the eldest grandson on both sides of the family, so he is used to receiving all the attention. On my side, he has a little cousin who is about half a year younger than him, and loves all the same types of things he does (thomas the tank engine, trains, cars, garbage trucks). So, halfway through our vacation my brother, his wife, and this cute little guy came to stay with my family as well. This threw Aydon for a loop. I had to be constantly watching to make sure my little man did not take toys from him; to help him share (beforehand, we did pick a few toys that he wanted to keep in the room, which he did not have to share); to keep him from pushing his cousin. This was exhausting, and there were so so many tantrums. By the third day, our little man was playing a little better with his cousin. One evening, the were jumping on a little air mattress while my mom supervised. There were laughs and yells of fun coming from the room. Then, suddenly, silence, followed by shrieking wails from Aydon's cousin. I ran into the room, heart racing, fearing the worst. Nightmares came true: Aydon had bitten his cousin on the foot! I was horrified. I picked Aydon up and carried him into the room where we were staying. He was hysterical, screaming, yelling for water, kicking his legs.
My husband went to ask my mom what had happened. Apparently, the boys had been playing well, and suddenly, Aydon became frustrated and upset and then bit his cousin. Ryan, my hubby, came to the room where I was with my beserk kiddo, holding a cup of water. This was one of those tantrums that got worse the longer it went on. I felt like crying. I also felt sorry for Aydon. He was mentally overloaded, emotionally overcharged, and it was spilling out all at once. Don't get me wrong, the biting had to be dealt with, but there were a myriad of causes, and he was just an immature two-year old. As our son's wailing continued, my husband suddenly grabbed in a bear hug, and whispered calmly in his ear, "I love you, Aydon." The horrible tantrum ceased immediately, like a hurricane that miraculously evaporates, as Aydon reached out for a hug from his daddy.We were able to calmly talk to our son about how the biting hurt his cousin; how he would need to tell him sorry; and how we wouldn't be doing any more jumping on the bed that night. After he apologized to his cousin, it was like our son was another person: he played calmly alongside his cousin for the rest of the evening; even offering him various toys to play with.
My husband and I choke back tears when we think about what brought conviction and calmness to our son: three little words, "I love you." How often in our Christian lives do we run from God in shame and disgrace, worried that His grace will not cover us? But when we stop and listen, He is whispering, "I love you." Melting into that love, we are strong enough to face that what we did was wrong. We are able to walk with strength as we face the consequences that sometimes come along with sin, knowing that God holds our hand, loving us; knowing that we stand before Him forgiven.
This parenting by grace thing often leaves us feeling like we are jumping off a cliff into the unknown. Each situation requires a unique response that only God can give through us. We often feel our inexperience as we bumble along, realizing in retrospect that we should have handled some situations differently. This biting incident will forever remain rooted deeply in our minds as an example of the power of a parent's love. Oddly, it made us love our son even more, seeing that he is human, knowing that this was the first of many times that he will make mistakes, just like the rest of us. We are excited to love him throughout the rest of his life; hopefully, he will grow to trust in God's unconditional love offered to him by a selfless Savior on Calvary thousands of years ago.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
What Gentle Discipline is Not, Continued Again :-)
Gentle discipline is not something that occurs only when unacceptable behavior manifests itself. I remember as a child, and even as a teenager, shuddering when I heard the term "discipline". To me, "discipline" meant punishment. It was something I tried hard to avoid.
Gentle, grace-based, discipline, recognizes that to discipline means to teach, not to punish for wrong behavior. When I started studying the true meaning of discipline in the Bible, I went through a real paradigm shift in my understanding of discipline. Previously, discipline was something I imagined I'd "administer" to stop wrong behavior. But I began to understand that discipline was something that should occur all day, every day, because it meant that I was teaching.
Gentle discipline, for the Christian, means that all day, every day, I am to be teaching my little guys. I am to teach him right from wrong. I am to teach him how to cope with problem situations he will encounter. I am to teach him appropriate ways to interact with other children. I am to teach him how to be safe. Most importantly, I am to teach him, both by words and by example as an authority in his life, who God is.
Gentle discipline, then, is ongoing, not sporadic. It is not always pleasant for our children, but it teaches them that discipline is the process of learning. Hopefully, when they hear that God disciplines His children, they will eagerly embrace God's teaching and training.
Gentle, grace-based, discipline, recognizes that to discipline means to teach, not to punish for wrong behavior. When I started studying the true meaning of discipline in the Bible, I went through a real paradigm shift in my understanding of discipline. Previously, discipline was something I imagined I'd "administer" to stop wrong behavior. But I began to understand that discipline was something that should occur all day, every day, because it meant that I was teaching.
Gentle discipline, for the Christian, means that all day, every day, I am to be teaching my little guys. I am to teach him right from wrong. I am to teach him how to cope with problem situations he will encounter. I am to teach him appropriate ways to interact with other children. I am to teach him how to be safe. Most importantly, I am to teach him, both by words and by example as an authority in his life, who God is.
Gentle discipline, then, is ongoing, not sporadic. It is not always pleasant for our children, but it teaches them that discipline is the process of learning. Hopefully, when they hear that God disciplines His children, they will eagerly embrace God's teaching and training.
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