My sweet little Aydon stops his trike in the hall in front of the kitchen and proudly announces: "Mommy, I stopped! I'm not coming in there, I'm not!"
"Thank you, Aydon! I am so proud of you!"
Just a few days before, my husband told him that he could not drive his tricycle into the kitchen. He was very upset, and yelled "No!" I made the mistake of asking him to try again: he looked at me with a puzzled look, and then yelled again, "No!" Oops! I didn't mean try saying "no" again, Aydon, I meant tell mommy that you are mad instead of yelling no.
Hubby and I are not afraid to let our little guy express his feelings, though compliance is not an option. This makes growing up seem quite messy at times, but then I remember that God is willing to daily deal with us and all the messiness we create: and He always embraces us with grace.
And then there are those little moments where we can see gentle discipline pays off: like little man beaming that he had exercised self-control and had not entered the kitchen.
I have had to get off my butt a lot lately! My husband is away on a mission trip, and my youngest brother, almost 10, is staying with us. Aydon had a hard time sharing toys and playing cooperatively at first. Enter comfort corner: a space where Aydon goes to take a break until he is ready to treat my brother with kindness. This is not a place of punishment, though at times I have had to pick up little man and carry him to his comfort corner. Sometimes, I sit in this spot with him, talking to him, encouraging and exhorting him (not lecturing) once he has calmed down to use words instead of force, to tell uncle what he is worried about, to make amends.
It was hard to get off my butt, and make sure that little man was not grabbing toys out of my brother's hands, or yelling at him, especially because that meant setting baby down for brief moments, or interrupting my chores. Often, I saw that the root of little man's behavior was anxiety: what if my brother hurt his toys? when will daddy come home?
I have watched little man blossom in many ways this week. He asks before he grabs toys from my brother. He offers to share with him. He asks before he uses my brother's toys. This blossoming did not look pretty; it meant many times of letting out anger and frustration in the comfort corner. It meant that I repeated myself and enforced boundaries ad nauseum. It also meant that I had to rely on God for an extra dose of patience and love. Little man is certainly not perfect, and many times each day I have to remind myself that I am not working to make a perfect child; my job is to guide, to teach, to shepherd, to model Christ to my child so that one day he will embrace this Jesus as his savior.
Monday, June 13, 2011
Monday, May 16, 2011
The Lorax
Aydon: "Mommy, please can I have chocolate chips?"
Aydon: "Yes, mommy. I don't want him to go back."
Mommy: "First you need to get the Lorax (stuffed, library reading buddy that was supposed to be returned later in the day), and bring him downstairs."
Aydon: "No, I don't want to. (lying down on floor) I want chocolate chips."
Mommy: (growing confused and slightly exasperated... you see, this conversation had already been repeated several times...Mommy was not sure why it was so hard to understand that the Lorax needed to be fetched BEFORE Aydon would receive a few token pieces of chocolate--This chocolate was not a reward, either, it was something little man received in very moderate amounts every now and then) "I already told you that you have to get the Lorax first."
Aydon: (still lying on floor) "You go get it for me, mommy."
Mommy: "If mommy gets the Lorax for you, then you won't get to have your chocolate chips. Mommy said if you want chocolate chips you have to get the Lorax first."
Aydon: "No. I don't want to. Mommy, I want chocolate chips."
Mommy: (peering towards heaven) "Dear God. I am running out of patience here. Is there something wrong with little man's understanding of this situation? Am I asking too much of him? Please, give me wisdom!"
Brief Interlude
Mommy remembers that parenting by grace means sometimes making a genuine, kind offer to help the child when the child feels too week to comply. Mommy is still confused, but decides to act with tenderness toward her perplexing offspring.
Mommy: "Aydon, how about I hold your hand and we go upstairs to get the Lorax together? You will still have to carry it, but I will be right there with you."
Aydon: "Ok, mommy! Thanks!" (stands up, holds out his hand to be held, allows his mommy to lead him up the stairs)
Mommy: (slightly shocked by change in attitude) after mommy and aydon reach the top of the stairs: "Ok, go get the Lorax and let's bring him downstairs. He is soft, so you can even throw him down the stairs if you would like to."
Aydon: (sweet, sad eyes peering up at mommy) "Mommy, I don't want the Lorax to go back to the library. Why can't he stay here with us?"
Mommy: (holding back tears of dawning understanding) "Aydon, you are sad that the Lorax has to go back. Is that why you didn't want to get him?"
Aydon: "Yes, mommy. I don't want him to go back."
This incident happened just a few days ago, but it continues to replay in my mind, especially when I am feeling exasperated at my child for not quickly doing what I ask! I realized through it that my little boy is so complex, even though so small. When he does not want to comply, there is almost always a good reason why. As a mommy, if I am willing to get to know my child, to cultivate relationship with him, to "help" him when he is unable to comply, I know that I will be amazed at the depth and intricacy of his emotions as he reveals them, trustingly, to me. I am finding that each time my precious eldest child has a hard time doing what I ask, that I, as I exercise patience and understanding, will only grow to love him more (and I am sure that this will be true with my daughter as well).
I am reminded of the compassion with which Jesus addressed crowds of unruly, unrepentant people. I am reminded of how he tenderly called them "sheep without a shepherd." I am reminded of how he sacrificially offered himself on their behalf, willing to go the extra mile to reach them, knowing that they could not help themselves, probing the depths of their hearts. May we always allow the Lord Jesus to be our guide and constant companion, the tender gardener and gentle shepherd of our mommy-hearts!
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
"Blatant Disobedience"
I would like to announce, first of all, the arrival of our little baby girl, Emma Grace, born March 16, 6 pounds 3 ounces. I will post her birth story soon.
I had an excellent question from someone regarding my last post, and I wanted to spend some time answering it here. Here is the question: "If I could ask a question, what do you do when he blatantly disobeys, ie, runs the opposite way (or towards the street as happened yesterday) when told to come?" I love dialoguing with other mommies, so thank you for this question!
First off, I think that we as believing parents have been misled by many Christian teachers to believe that our children are not turning out unless, at the tender toddler/preschool years, they are "obeying" all of our directives. The reason I find this misconception frustrating is that the Bible urges children to obey their parents (Ephesians). When the Bible tells children to obey their parents, it tells them to obey their parents in the Lord. So, this command was written directly to children who are old enough to understand what it means, and furthermore, it was written to children who could obey "in the Lord," indicating that the children being addressed are believers. This command is not addressed to parents, or it would read as follows, "Parents, be sure that in all things your children obey you." When parents are taught that they should force their little children to obey them, it reminds me of men who are taught that since the Bible urges wives to submit, it is their God-given job to force their wives to submit to them! So, all that to say, our toddlers and preschoolers are in a learning phase...I believe that it is our job to teach them what obedience means on a day-to-day basis; to cultivate relationship with them that will invite obedience; however, I do not believe that we must require our tiny tots to obey us, or else.
So how does this play out practically? It means that, first of all, we stop seeing absolute obedience from our little ones as a requirement from them. Instead, we walk them through what we ask them to do, teaching them actively how to obey us. I don't want my little guy to run into the street, either, so I have done several things: always remain near him when I can tell he is distracted and may bolt across the street, playing a "stop!" game with him so that when he hears me say, "Aydon, stop!", he stops, teaching him a healthy fear of cars running into him by talking, talking, talking, teaching him to ask me before he does something. I really feel that when we issue some sort of "command" to our tots, we should be right next to them to enforce our command so that words have meaning, and obedience occurs, but in a proactive way, rather than a reactive way. A toddler will remember not to do something much better if we stop them in the act, then if we punish them afterward. One way, the focus is on the behavior we want to teach, the other way the focus is on the child's failure. Toddlers and preschoolers are just so impulsive. Requiring them to obey us and then punishing them when they don't, in my opinion, sets them up for failure; they will not always "obey" us, and when they get punished for not doing so, it makes them feel hopeless or angry.
Another thing I think about is how God deals with us. I wish more parenting experts would teach parenting from this perspective. God invites us to obey Him through relationship, not through fear of punishment. He gives us the Holy Spirit, who empowers us to obey Him; He does not expect us to obey Him because a)we are afraid of what He will do to us if we don't or b) because we are obeying Him out of a sense of duty or obligation. He gives us the strength and the means to obey Him; He invites us to obey Him because of His great love for us.
So, do I require my little guy to "obey" me, or else? No. I view myself as his teacher, guiding him and helping him to obey. He is impulsive, he lacks logic, he lacks impulse control. So, when I require something of him, I am on hand to "help" him or to stop him from doing something I asked him not to do. Often heard in our house: "You need to pick up that cup." If he refuses: "Can you pick it up by yourself, or do you need help?" If he still refuses, "Mommy is going to help you," and then I get behind him, hold him in a safe bear hug, and "help" him comply. In this way, I am teaching him how to obey, and helping him to obey when he does not have the strength. I am being proactive, so the focus is not on him and what he did wrong, but rather on "this is how we obey." This is a lot of work, but to me it is sooooo worth it! Often, if he is not tired or hungry, little man happily complies with my requests. Sometimes, he needs help, and that is all right! How many times am I sending up a prayer, asking God to give me the strength to do what He is asking me to do?
I hope that this answers your question! I'd love to continue to hear any and all thoughts that you, my readers, have on these matters! I am so not perfect, just happy to parent in this way that keeps relationship with my child intact, and that teaches him who God is, and how He relates to us.
I had an excellent question from someone regarding my last post, and I wanted to spend some time answering it here. Here is the question: "If I could ask a question, what do you do when he blatantly disobeys, ie, runs the opposite way (or towards the street as happened yesterday) when told to come?" I love dialoguing with other mommies, so thank you for this question!
First off, I think that we as believing parents have been misled by many Christian teachers to believe that our children are not turning out unless, at the tender toddler/preschool years, they are "obeying" all of our directives. The reason I find this misconception frustrating is that the Bible urges children to obey their parents (Ephesians). When the Bible tells children to obey their parents, it tells them to obey their parents in the Lord. So, this command was written directly to children who are old enough to understand what it means, and furthermore, it was written to children who could obey "in the Lord," indicating that the children being addressed are believers. This command is not addressed to parents, or it would read as follows, "Parents, be sure that in all things your children obey you." When parents are taught that they should force their little children to obey them, it reminds me of men who are taught that since the Bible urges wives to submit, it is their God-given job to force their wives to submit to them! So, all that to say, our toddlers and preschoolers are in a learning phase...I believe that it is our job to teach them what obedience means on a day-to-day basis; to cultivate relationship with them that will invite obedience; however, I do not believe that we must require our tiny tots to obey us, or else.
So how does this play out practically? It means that, first of all, we stop seeing absolute obedience from our little ones as a requirement from them. Instead, we walk them through what we ask them to do, teaching them actively how to obey us. I don't want my little guy to run into the street, either, so I have done several things: always remain near him when I can tell he is distracted and may bolt across the street, playing a "stop!" game with him so that when he hears me say, "Aydon, stop!", he stops, teaching him a healthy fear of cars running into him by talking, talking, talking, teaching him to ask me before he does something. I really feel that when we issue some sort of "command" to our tots, we should be right next to them to enforce our command so that words have meaning, and obedience occurs, but in a proactive way, rather than a reactive way. A toddler will remember not to do something much better if we stop them in the act, then if we punish them afterward. One way, the focus is on the behavior we want to teach, the other way the focus is on the child's failure. Toddlers and preschoolers are just so impulsive. Requiring them to obey us and then punishing them when they don't, in my opinion, sets them up for failure; they will not always "obey" us, and when they get punished for not doing so, it makes them feel hopeless or angry.
Another thing I think about is how God deals with us. I wish more parenting experts would teach parenting from this perspective. God invites us to obey Him through relationship, not through fear of punishment. He gives us the Holy Spirit, who empowers us to obey Him; He does not expect us to obey Him because a)we are afraid of what He will do to us if we don't or b) because we are obeying Him out of a sense of duty or obligation. He gives us the strength and the means to obey Him; He invites us to obey Him because of His great love for us.
So, do I require my little guy to "obey" me, or else? No. I view myself as his teacher, guiding him and helping him to obey. He is impulsive, he lacks logic, he lacks impulse control. So, when I require something of him, I am on hand to "help" him or to stop him from doing something I asked him not to do. Often heard in our house: "You need to pick up that cup." If he refuses: "Can you pick it up by yourself, or do you need help?" If he still refuses, "Mommy is going to help you," and then I get behind him, hold him in a safe bear hug, and "help" him comply. In this way, I am teaching him how to obey, and helping him to obey when he does not have the strength. I am being proactive, so the focus is not on him and what he did wrong, but rather on "this is how we obey." This is a lot of work, but to me it is sooooo worth it! Often, if he is not tired or hungry, little man happily complies with my requests. Sometimes, he needs help, and that is all right! How many times am I sending up a prayer, asking God to give me the strength to do what He is asking me to do?
I hope that this answers your question! I'd love to continue to hear any and all thoughts that you, my readers, have on these matters! I am so not perfect, just happy to parent in this way that keeps relationship with my child intact, and that teaches him who God is, and how He relates to us.
Wednesday, March 2, 2011
So Thankful
I read this blog post by Sally Clarkson recently, and was so blessed and encouraged by it: http://www.itakejoy.com/first-time-obedience-really/. I love that she is an experienced mom who calls for us to be tender and loving and gracious with our children. I also love it that she has the full support of her husband.
My husband and I were talking about how wonderful it is to be able to parent our son in a non-adversarial, non-punitive way. We were laughing because our little guy has a real stubborn streak. I cannot imagine the awful battles of will that we would have to go through to "force" our son to obey us. Since we are on his team, we do not dread those times when we have to follow through with what we say. Here is an example: Little man was sitting at the table eating crackers beside his dad. He began to play with the crackers, breaking them into pieces. Suddenly, on a whim, he threw the pieces on the floor. "Uh-oh," said my husband, "we have to clean those up. When we make messes, we have to clean them up." My son's reply? "No! I don't want to. That makes me sad!" "Well," continued my husband, "I know it makes you sad, but we have to clean up messes when we make them. Would you like some help?" Little man at this point dug in his heals, refusing to budge from his chair. I walked over to him, picked him up out of his chair, and sat down with him on the floor beside the cracker pieces. I reiterated what my hubby had said about cleaning up our messes. At this point, little man threw a fit. I rubbed his back and held him. The fit lasted only a few seconds, and then little man sat up, and cheerfully began picking up all the pieces, handing them to his daddy, happy to comply. In the process of us helping Aydon to do what we said, none of us lost our dignity. We had no regrets as parents, because we did not lash out punitively at our son, neither did we back down. Aydon was able to decide to comply; he was not forced or backed into a corner (though he did have no choice, we were right there beside him, supporting him the whole way).
I cannot help but imagine this same incident if we were parenting "with the rod." I am quite certain that little man would do anything but comply if he felt that he was being forced to do something, or else. I cannot imagine the heartache and regret that we would feel after hitting him, harder and harder to try to force compliance. And in the process of trying to force little man to "obey" us, we would be provoking him to anger, something that fathers (and mothers) are commanded not to do in scripture.
Words cannot express how thankful I am for the multitude of ways in which God led us away from punitive parenting. It might take a little extra time to "help" little man comply with our requests, but it is worth more than gold to be able to remain on his team, to treat him with grace.
My husband and I were talking about how wonderful it is to be able to parent our son in a non-adversarial, non-punitive way. We were laughing because our little guy has a real stubborn streak. I cannot imagine the awful battles of will that we would have to go through to "force" our son to obey us. Since we are on his team, we do not dread those times when we have to follow through with what we say. Here is an example: Little man was sitting at the table eating crackers beside his dad. He began to play with the crackers, breaking them into pieces. Suddenly, on a whim, he threw the pieces on the floor. "Uh-oh," said my husband, "we have to clean those up. When we make messes, we have to clean them up." My son's reply? "No! I don't want to. That makes me sad!" "Well," continued my husband, "I know it makes you sad, but we have to clean up messes when we make them. Would you like some help?" Little man at this point dug in his heals, refusing to budge from his chair. I walked over to him, picked him up out of his chair, and sat down with him on the floor beside the cracker pieces. I reiterated what my hubby had said about cleaning up our messes. At this point, little man threw a fit. I rubbed his back and held him. The fit lasted only a few seconds, and then little man sat up, and cheerfully began picking up all the pieces, handing them to his daddy, happy to comply. In the process of us helping Aydon to do what we said, none of us lost our dignity. We had no regrets as parents, because we did not lash out punitively at our son, neither did we back down. Aydon was able to decide to comply; he was not forced or backed into a corner (though he did have no choice, we were right there beside him, supporting him the whole way).
I cannot help but imagine this same incident if we were parenting "with the rod." I am quite certain that little man would do anything but comply if he felt that he was being forced to do something, or else. I cannot imagine the heartache and regret that we would feel after hitting him, harder and harder to try to force compliance. And in the process of trying to force little man to "obey" us, we would be provoking him to anger, something that fathers (and mothers) are commanded not to do in scripture.
Words cannot express how thankful I am for the multitude of ways in which God led us away from punitive parenting. It might take a little extra time to "help" little man comply with our requests, but it is worth more than gold to be able to remain on his team, to treat him with grace.
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Peace that Passes Understanding
It has been way too long since I last blogged. Baby is coming at the end of March, and we have been trying to prepare for this birth. My plan was to have a VBAC at the local birthing center, but they are understaffed, and at 32 weeks, they told me I could not birth the baby there. That led to a search for a midwife who could do a home birth on such short notice--and, praise God, we found one. So now we are in the process of buying all the items we will need for the birth.
Today was one of those days where I felt like a train that got derailed, and I did not know how to get back on the track. Little man is having allergies right now, and that makes him wake up early in the morning. Things were going well, but then little man and I missed our nap. Enter numerous rough and "squirrely" behaviors from little man. He wants to tackle and wrestle mommy. On days like today, he is apt to do anything I tell him not to do, unless I am standing right beside him to enforce what I say; I am a terrible get-off-my-but momma when I am tired. By this evening, I felt like I was going to pull my hair out. Numerous thoughts began to nag at me: "I am such a bad mom!! Look at how he is acting!" and "I can't handle this anymore. I just want to crawl into a hole and cry. Do I really have to cook supper and wash the dishes?? How on earth am I going to manage that?!"
I told my husband how I was feeling, and he reminded me that most days he feels like he is falling apart too, and that all we can really do is to trust God. Honestly, that was the last thing I wanted to do at the end of this crazy day. I often worry that God is the one who is putting all those nagging, self-loathing thoughts in my head. I am afraid that he is going to "flog" me somehow, remind me that I am a failure, get onto me for not trusting Him sooner. But, I was at the end of my abilities, and I had no one to lean on but God. It is amazing what happens when we turn to Him! He really is the best example of the best parent out there! When I turned to him, the first thing that happened? Weight fell off of my shoulders. I had a sense of calmness, of peace. It was as if my Father were hugging me, telling me everything would be ok.
After I calmed down, rested in my Father's unconditional love, a new understanding of my little guy emerged. Compassion replaced frustration. My Father in heaven, rather than berating me for not following through like I should, or for not being the momma that I should be, welcomed me into his arms with tenderness and forgiveness. And I am an adult; I should know better than to live disconnected from God, my life-source, for a minute, let alone a whole day! But God does not berate me when I fail, he beckons me closer to Him. And here I was, frustrated with my tiny, immature three-year old, for not controlling himself better when I had been spending hours steeped in attitudes and patterns of thinking that were not from God but from my flesh: I was allowing sin to control me. For the first time, I really saw my poor little guy; he was so tired! I stooped down on his level, gave him a hug, and told him that I loved him. I explained to him that I needed to do dishes while he played with his toys, and then we were going to read a lot of stories together. He beamed through those exhausted eyes of his. Why hadn't I noticed them before? Now he is peacefully asleep, and all seems well with the world.
I wonder why it takes me so long to trust God sometimes? I am often afraid that before He invites me back into fellowship with Him, I will have to pay some sort of penance; that I will have to somehow suffer shame. And yet, His word clearly states that when I live in sin, I simply need confess, and He is faithful and just to forgive. I hope that my little guy experiences this sort of grace from me as he grows into maturity; that he never thinks he must suffer before he can be in "fellowship" with me again! I know that for that to happen, I need my heavenly Father to love through me; I would be a crappy momma without Him, that is for sure.
Today was one of those days where I felt like a train that got derailed, and I did not know how to get back on the track. Little man is having allergies right now, and that makes him wake up early in the morning. Things were going well, but then little man and I missed our nap. Enter numerous rough and "squirrely" behaviors from little man. He wants to tackle and wrestle mommy. On days like today, he is apt to do anything I tell him not to do, unless I am standing right beside him to enforce what I say; I am a terrible get-off-my-but momma when I am tired. By this evening, I felt like I was going to pull my hair out. Numerous thoughts began to nag at me: "I am such a bad mom!! Look at how he is acting!" and "I can't handle this anymore. I just want to crawl into a hole and cry. Do I really have to cook supper and wash the dishes?? How on earth am I going to manage that?!"
I told my husband how I was feeling, and he reminded me that most days he feels like he is falling apart too, and that all we can really do is to trust God. Honestly, that was the last thing I wanted to do at the end of this crazy day. I often worry that God is the one who is putting all those nagging, self-loathing thoughts in my head. I am afraid that he is going to "flog" me somehow, remind me that I am a failure, get onto me for not trusting Him sooner. But, I was at the end of my abilities, and I had no one to lean on but God. It is amazing what happens when we turn to Him! He really is the best example of the best parent out there! When I turned to him, the first thing that happened? Weight fell off of my shoulders. I had a sense of calmness, of peace. It was as if my Father were hugging me, telling me everything would be ok.
After I calmed down, rested in my Father's unconditional love, a new understanding of my little guy emerged. Compassion replaced frustration. My Father in heaven, rather than berating me for not following through like I should, or for not being the momma that I should be, welcomed me into his arms with tenderness and forgiveness. And I am an adult; I should know better than to live disconnected from God, my life-source, for a minute, let alone a whole day! But God does not berate me when I fail, he beckons me closer to Him. And here I was, frustrated with my tiny, immature three-year old, for not controlling himself better when I had been spending hours steeped in attitudes and patterns of thinking that were not from God but from my flesh: I was allowing sin to control me. For the first time, I really saw my poor little guy; he was so tired! I stooped down on his level, gave him a hug, and told him that I loved him. I explained to him that I needed to do dishes while he played with his toys, and then we were going to read a lot of stories together. He beamed through those exhausted eyes of his. Why hadn't I noticed them before? Now he is peacefully asleep, and all seems well with the world.
I wonder why it takes me so long to trust God sometimes? I am often afraid that before He invites me back into fellowship with Him, I will have to pay some sort of penance; that I will have to somehow suffer shame. And yet, His word clearly states that when I live in sin, I simply need confess, and He is faithful and just to forgive. I hope that my little guy experiences this sort of grace from me as he grows into maturity; that he never thinks he must suffer before he can be in "fellowship" with me again! I know that for that to happen, I need my heavenly Father to love through me; I would be a crappy momma without Him, that is for sure.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Parenting 101
Little man has recently begun exhibiting an incredible amount of independence. While this is a good thing, and it is part of growing up, it can be unpleasant at times. Especially when he decides that he absolutely will not do something that we have asked him to do, or absolutely must do something that we have asked him not to do. I feel like I am in Parenting 101 all over again, but I am, believe it or not, actually enjoying being a student, because I know that I will learn so much through this.
First of all, this new level of independence is teaching me that I must always be quick on my feet! If I am going to say "no" about something, I need to be right beside little man when I say it, so as to enforce the no (usually by holding a little hand and remaining calm when he shouts "NO!" back). If I am going to ask little man to do something, then I need to be right beside him with this offer: "Can you do it by yourself, or do you need me to help you?" I am learning that being quick on my feet does pay off...little man realizes that my words do have meaning, even though he may not like them.
I am also learning humility. Like today, when we were in line at a fast-food restaurant, and little man decided he wanted to eat dessert rather than a meal. Of course, the answer was, "no, only a meal today." Boy was I surprised when my formerly mellow little guy began to shriek, "No! I want cake!" Solution for me? "Eat humble pie, you are parenting before God and not before man." So, I stepped out of line and removed little man to a quiet area. I hugged him and told him that I loved him. I said simply, "you need to sit here (beside me) until you are ready to listen to mommy." When he calmed down, I gave him a simple choice: "Eat a meal here at the restaurant, or go home. No dessert." He chose option A, of course, and was such a happy, peaceful little guy as we returned to the line. I am so happy, yes HAPPY, for this incident. Every time I parent through the eyes of grace, I relax a little more into my Heavenly Father's love for me. I am so thankful that He deals gently with me so that I can deal gently with my child.
I love being on my little guys' team like this! Yes, I am the authority in his life, and sometimes that means that I will say no if something is unhealthy. Yes, little man needs to learn how to calmly respond to mommy if he doesn't like something she is telling him. We have lots of do-overs and practice daily, with me often asking little man, "how can you say that more nicely?" and then supplying him with an example if necessary. But I AM on his team. He need not fear harsh retribution when he acts childishly. I can see that he will be a strong man someday, able to stand by his own beliefs, no matter what others say or do. This is something I want to nurture and guide in the right direction. I can see that little man has just realized that he is his own person, separate from me, with desires that sometimes differ from mine. Now he is in the sometimes no-fun place of learning that he is under authority. May God give me and his daddy wisdom as we nurture and guide this precious little one; how I love being in His classroom!
First of all, this new level of independence is teaching me that I must always be quick on my feet! If I am going to say "no" about something, I need to be right beside little man when I say it, so as to enforce the no (usually by holding a little hand and remaining calm when he shouts "NO!" back). If I am going to ask little man to do something, then I need to be right beside him with this offer: "Can you do it by yourself, or do you need me to help you?" I am learning that being quick on my feet does pay off...little man realizes that my words do have meaning, even though he may not like them.
I am also learning humility. Like today, when we were in line at a fast-food restaurant, and little man decided he wanted to eat dessert rather than a meal. Of course, the answer was, "no, only a meal today." Boy was I surprised when my formerly mellow little guy began to shriek, "No! I want cake!" Solution for me? "Eat humble pie, you are parenting before God and not before man." So, I stepped out of line and removed little man to a quiet area. I hugged him and told him that I loved him. I said simply, "you need to sit here (beside me) until you are ready to listen to mommy." When he calmed down, I gave him a simple choice: "Eat a meal here at the restaurant, or go home. No dessert." He chose option A, of course, and was such a happy, peaceful little guy as we returned to the line. I am so happy, yes HAPPY, for this incident. Every time I parent through the eyes of grace, I relax a little more into my Heavenly Father's love for me. I am so thankful that He deals gently with me so that I can deal gently with my child.
I love being on my little guys' team like this! Yes, I am the authority in his life, and sometimes that means that I will say no if something is unhealthy. Yes, little man needs to learn how to calmly respond to mommy if he doesn't like something she is telling him. We have lots of do-overs and practice daily, with me often asking little man, "how can you say that more nicely?" and then supplying him with an example if necessary. But I AM on his team. He need not fear harsh retribution when he acts childishly. I can see that he will be a strong man someday, able to stand by his own beliefs, no matter what others say or do. This is something I want to nurture and guide in the right direction. I can see that little man has just realized that he is his own person, separate from me, with desires that sometimes differ from mine. Now he is in the sometimes no-fun place of learning that he is under authority. May God give me and his daddy wisdom as we nurture and guide this precious little one; how I love being in His classroom!
Saturday, January 29, 2011
Attached Parenting
Ten weeks to go until the expected arrival of baby number 2. I am so excited to meet this new little one! Realizing that a new baby is coming has made me reflect on my journey into attachment parenting.
When I became pregnant with Aydon (who is now almost three!!), I had no idea how I was going to raise him. I had a lot of church friends who sang the praises of a book entitled Babywise by Gary Ezzo. I quickly bought into the myth that a baby could easily destroy my marriage unless I made it sleep in a room by itself. Crying-it-out made good sense to me (now I shudder at the thought). The way CIO is described by Ezzo makes the whole process of "sleep training" seem so logical, practical, matter of fact.
But God had a different way with babies in mind for my husband and I. First of all, Aydon arrived quite unexpectedly at 32 weeks by emergency c-section. He spent the next six weeks in the hospital. I pumped milk for him, but I yearned to nurse him at my breast. When he came home, I struggled for weeks to move him from bottle (with my expressed milk) to breast feeding. God is good: once Aydon learned to breastfeed he did not stop until he was almost two and a half years old! I remember Aydon's first visit to his pediatrician, who looked at us sternly and said, "Let him nurse whenever he wants, for as long as he wants, as much as he wants." I remember breathing a sigh of relief...how nice it was to follow my instincts and to meet my little guy's needs, without worrying about some sort of legalistic "schedule" that I would have to keep him on!
On top of this, Aydon came home with an apnea monitor. It made sense to have him sleeping near us, in case something happens. I found it so comforting to have him nearby, hearing his breathing throughout the night.
I couldn't shake all of the Babywise ideas, though. I was convinced that if we didn't force our little guy to cry to sleep, he would never sleep on his own. Thankfully, the second time I tried laying Aydon down to fuss and cry to sleep, my husband said, "We are not going to do that. He is too little to understand what is happening." Thank God for my husband.
About this time, some of our friends stopped by, and brought me a gift: The Baby Book, by Dr. Sears. Waves of relief and freedom washed over me as I read the pages of this book. Overall, I gleaned from the pages that moms and dads had natural instincts that, when followed and listened to, would drive them to be good parents (such as, when baby is crying, and you feel the urge to respond, do it!). The main thesis of the book was that if we build a strong foundation of trust with our infants, their bond with us will follow them throughout their growing up years. Now THIS reminded me of how God deals with us, His children: He draws us to trust Him; He builds a foundation of relationship with us; He always answers our cries for help; He is always available to us; He never leaves us or abandons us.
For a long time, Aydon slept in a little bed beside ours. Once, we were on a trip to visit my husband's parents. It was deathly cold at night, and our little man woke every hour, freezing cold. My husband leaned over to me and whispered, "Just let him sleep in bed with us." Once again, I felt immense relief. We all slept so well that night that Aydon hasn't left our bed fully yet!
Our almost three year old is not a spoiled-rotten brat. He has grown from being very attached into having a healthy amount of independence for a two-year-old. While he is somewhat introverted, he knows how to smile and greet others with a "hi." He sleeps the first half of the night on a little mattress by our bed, by himself. When he wakes, he crawls into bed with us, quickly falling back to sleep. Some nights, I do not even remember him waking and crawling into our bed! He is weaned, though I would have nothing against him still nursing. Weaning was a beautiful, natural process. I was four months pregnant, and was producing very little milk. Aydon was only nursing at bedtime and naptime. I gently taught him to fall asleep with cuddles at naptime by telling him he could nurse for a few minutes, and then we would cuddle. At bedtime, I nursed him till he was almost asleep, then lay beside him, snuggling, until he drifted into dreamland. Soon, we moved to mere cuddles to fall asleep.
Has attachment parenting destroyed my marriage? NO! It has turned my husband and I into compassionate parents. When our little guy has trouble sleeping, we meet his needs, and we are a team. One night, I was somewhat frustrated by how long it had taken our son to fall asleep: my husband looked at me and said, "Well, he is just like us. Some nights it is harder to fall asleep than others." We have plenty of time to enjoy our marriage, and knowing that we both believe in being responsive to our son, helps me to relax and have fun during our time together. Enough said, there. :-)
Being an attached parent is wonderful, and I wanted to describe it here so that I will not forget our wonderful journey into attachment parenting.
When I became pregnant with Aydon (who is now almost three!!), I had no idea how I was going to raise him. I had a lot of church friends who sang the praises of a book entitled Babywise by Gary Ezzo. I quickly bought into the myth that a baby could easily destroy my marriage unless I made it sleep in a room by itself. Crying-it-out made good sense to me (now I shudder at the thought). The way CIO is described by Ezzo makes the whole process of "sleep training" seem so logical, practical, matter of fact.
But God had a different way with babies in mind for my husband and I. First of all, Aydon arrived quite unexpectedly at 32 weeks by emergency c-section. He spent the next six weeks in the hospital. I pumped milk for him, but I yearned to nurse him at my breast. When he came home, I struggled for weeks to move him from bottle (with my expressed milk) to breast feeding. God is good: once Aydon learned to breastfeed he did not stop until he was almost two and a half years old! I remember Aydon's first visit to his pediatrician, who looked at us sternly and said, "Let him nurse whenever he wants, for as long as he wants, as much as he wants." I remember breathing a sigh of relief...how nice it was to follow my instincts and to meet my little guy's needs, without worrying about some sort of legalistic "schedule" that I would have to keep him on!
On top of this, Aydon came home with an apnea monitor. It made sense to have him sleeping near us, in case something happens. I found it so comforting to have him nearby, hearing his breathing throughout the night.
I couldn't shake all of the Babywise ideas, though. I was convinced that if we didn't force our little guy to cry to sleep, he would never sleep on his own. Thankfully, the second time I tried laying Aydon down to fuss and cry to sleep, my husband said, "We are not going to do that. He is too little to understand what is happening." Thank God for my husband.
About this time, some of our friends stopped by, and brought me a gift: The Baby Book, by Dr. Sears. Waves of relief and freedom washed over me as I read the pages of this book. Overall, I gleaned from the pages that moms and dads had natural instincts that, when followed and listened to, would drive them to be good parents (such as, when baby is crying, and you feel the urge to respond, do it!). The main thesis of the book was that if we build a strong foundation of trust with our infants, their bond with us will follow them throughout their growing up years. Now THIS reminded me of how God deals with us, His children: He draws us to trust Him; He builds a foundation of relationship with us; He always answers our cries for help; He is always available to us; He never leaves us or abandons us.
For a long time, Aydon slept in a little bed beside ours. Once, we were on a trip to visit my husband's parents. It was deathly cold at night, and our little man woke every hour, freezing cold. My husband leaned over to me and whispered, "Just let him sleep in bed with us." Once again, I felt immense relief. We all slept so well that night that Aydon hasn't left our bed fully yet!
Our almost three year old is not a spoiled-rotten brat. He has grown from being very attached into having a healthy amount of independence for a two-year-old. While he is somewhat introverted, he knows how to smile and greet others with a "hi." He sleeps the first half of the night on a little mattress by our bed, by himself. When he wakes, he crawls into bed with us, quickly falling back to sleep. Some nights, I do not even remember him waking and crawling into our bed! He is weaned, though I would have nothing against him still nursing. Weaning was a beautiful, natural process. I was four months pregnant, and was producing very little milk. Aydon was only nursing at bedtime and naptime. I gently taught him to fall asleep with cuddles at naptime by telling him he could nurse for a few minutes, and then we would cuddle. At bedtime, I nursed him till he was almost asleep, then lay beside him, snuggling, until he drifted into dreamland. Soon, we moved to mere cuddles to fall asleep.
Has attachment parenting destroyed my marriage? NO! It has turned my husband and I into compassionate parents. When our little guy has trouble sleeping, we meet his needs, and we are a team. One night, I was somewhat frustrated by how long it had taken our son to fall asleep: my husband looked at me and said, "Well, he is just like us. Some nights it is harder to fall asleep than others." We have plenty of time to enjoy our marriage, and knowing that we both believe in being responsive to our son, helps me to relax and have fun during our time together. Enough said, there. :-)
Being an attached parent is wonderful, and I wanted to describe it here so that I will not forget our wonderful journey into attachment parenting.
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