Does God Spank His Children?

I am saddened when I hear a Christian, a dear redeemed child of God, say "God spanks His children." Why does this sadden me? Because it misrepresents God, and it takes away from what Christ did on the cross on our behalf.

The only support I have ever heard for this idea comes from Hebrews 12. Hebrews 12:6 reads: "FOR THOSE WHOM THE LORD LOVES HE DISCIPLINES, AND HE SCOURGES EVERY SON WHOM HE RECEIVES.” It certainly would appear that this passage teaches believers that God spanks His children, due to the use of the term "scourges". 


A sound principle to use when trying to understand any Scriptural passage is to never lift a verse out of context when interpreting it. In a previous post, I went step by step through Hebrews 12, so I will not do that here, but, for the sake of this discussion, here is a summation: Hebrews 12 is a passage that was meant to ENCOURAGE believers to ENDURE persecution. The author is urging readers not to give up in the face of hardship, keeping their eyes fixed on the goal (as though they are runners in a race), remembering how Jesus suffered at the hands of angry men. 


In fact, Jesus, the author of our faith, the perfect Son of God, was scourged for our transgressions, and thus all of us are able to be received as God's purified sons and daughters. Isaiah 53:5 reads, "But He was pierced through for our transgressions, He was crushed for our iniquities; The chastening for our well-being fell upon Him, And by His scourging we are healed."

Through Jesus, through His scourging and death on our behalf, WE ARE HEALED. He took the punishment for our sins! Hebrews 12:6 needs to be seen in the context of what Jesus did on our behalf, and in the context of the passage, which refers not to punishment for wrongdoing, but to God's training of His children as they face hardships and, indeed, persecution in life. God urges believers to endure hardship as from His hand; there is no reference in this passage to hardship being a punishment for wrongdoing. If there was, then believers would be urged not to sin, so as to AVOID hardship; believers would be cautioned to question whether hardship in their lives was due to their misbehavior. But that is NOT what this passage teaches...in fact, the passage encourages believers to EMBRACE hardship as discipline (paideia, training). They are encouraged to ENDURE, and to see hardship as a sign that they are, indeed, God's children (believers should not worry when they face hardship that God has forgotten them, or that He is angry with them, or that He is working against them).

The purpose of a spanking is to cause a behavior to cease, or, as some parents believe, to rid their children of sin-guilt. We need to really think about God's discipline as laid out in Hebrews 12 and ask ourselves if spanking aligns with God's discipline of His children. God doesn't discipline His children to relieve them of sin-guilt--that is what Jesus did; when we feel guilt for our sins, we are supposed to look to Jesus as our high priest who has made intercession for us already (this is actually discussed at length in the book of Hebrews). In my next post, I will discuss how God's discipline of His children differs from a spanking. 

Our Christian culture says that spanking is biblical; it says that if moms and dads choose not to spank, then they are disobeying God's command. The implication, then, is that God spanks us grown ups too. If that is the case, we ought to live in constant fear of God. Every time hardship or persecution enters our lives, we need to ask ourselves: what did I do wrong this time? We need to strive very hard never to do wrong so that God won't need to punish us. Furthermore, we will always fear that when we do wrong, God temporarily takes the stance of "judge," rather than that of "Abba, Father." In short, we will not live in love, for, as 1 John 4:18 states: "There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves punishment, and the one who fears is not perfected in love." It is time for us to look outside of our cultural norms, and to really dig deep into God's word, being careful not to jump to conclusions based on what we are taught, but based on what Scripture is actually saying.

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What Really Matters

Little man was very upset. He didn't like it that his mommy and daddy said no more tv for the rest of the day. He felt like screaming. In fact, he did start screaming. The screaming hurt mommy's and daddy's ears, so mommy carried him into his room to finish screaming. She didn't leave him in there by himself, though. She stayed in the room with him. She spoke softly to him, with words of understanding. She gave him a back rub. Little man calmed down and began enjoying the back rub. Then his mommy told him that sometimes God tells her to do something that she doesn't like. She shared with him how she tells God how she feels, and asks for His help to do the right thing. Then she asked if he wanted to hear a story. "Yes, mommy!" little man exclaimed, always ready for a story. So mommy proceeded to tell him the story of Jonah, a prophet who did not want to do what God told him to. Little man listened with rapt attention.

As mommy recounted the way that Jonah ran from God, but God knew where He was the whole time, how God showed Jonah and the people of Nineveh grace, how God wants us to simply listen to what He says, and to trust Him, even if we don't like it, she realized something important: we mommies and daddies can sometimes place too much importance on our parenting methods. But,in the end, what will really stick with our children?

If parenting is about the heart, then we need to focus the majority of our time with our children dwelling on things that will stick with them throughout their lives. And what will stick better than those stories spoken out of God's mouth, penned by the God-followers of old? Stories that will remind them of truth, of God's grace, of the fact that the doorway to heaven stands open to them because of the precious gift of Jesus.

We need to recount truth-filled stories to our children. I am reminded of God's instructions to the Israelites: “These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:6-9) 

God gave these instructions to them so that they would not forget Him when they were dwelling in comfort in the Promised Land. He wanted the Israelites to talk to their children about Him when they were sitting, walking, lying down, and waking up...in other words, over and over again, all day long.

Are we filling our ears and those of our children with truth, with stories and truth from God all day long? Or are we spending all of our time and energy focused on a method, worried when our children misbehave or don't fit a certain mold, fearing that they won't turn out unless we do this or that?

Let's give our children the timeless gift of God's truth during this New Year that is swiftly approaching, and throughout all the years to follow.

Merry Christmas, dear fellow mommas! Let's keep Jesus' precious gift to us the focus of our momming!

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Parenting Through Changes

We moved recently. And not just across town. We moved from the southernmost tip of Texas to mid-Tennessee. We moved as an act of faith, believing that God wants us in Tennessee to help out with a mission that is just starting up.

We suspected that the move would be hard on our children, and, while it was also fun and exciting, our sweet three-and-a-half year old son and our precious, very active nine-month-old baby girl (who hates her car seat, incidentally) went through some major upheaval. I realized through this move how hard it is to take my children on journeys that are sure to be fraught with hardships. Radical faith is not as romantic as some would have us to believe. But without radical faith in a radical God, life would be so empty. I want my children to grow up seeing that while life may be hard, God is an always-faithful Father, the Father who owns the cattle on a thousand hills. The Father who will never ever let us down.

But this move has been tough in many ways. First, our son spent the final day of our road trip with a high fever and nausea (and yes, he did puke all over the moving truck). Then, right after we finished unloading the moving truck, the baby and I came down with the same mysterious sickness.

After about a week, we were all on the mend. And that is when the wild emotions kicked in, for all of four of us. My husband and I felt confused, disoriented, and tired. Baby girl was fussy fussy fussy. And little man threw tantrums like none we have ever seen before. We questioned our parenting. What had we done wrong?  And then, my wise husband said, "You know, maybe he just feels as lost and confused as we do, and he doesn't know how to express his feelings." That statement put our entire family on the road to healing, as husband and I turned to God's grace, and realized that this was our chance to pour out His grace toward our son.

What did this look like?

-Lots of hugs, lots of verbalizing feelings for our son

-Refusing to be embarrassed by our sons little bits misbehavior, realizing that he felt out of control

-Establishing a routine (will do a post on this one soon)

-Letting our son see us turn towards God when we were struggling

-Spending time enjoying and playing with our children

Our little guy also became quite aggressive after the move. It seemed that he was taking out his frustrations on his baby sister. Husband and I had an earnest talk one night, in which we decided on a plan to help our son realize that, while he was allowed to have his feelings, he was not allowed to hurt his sister. Every time he screamed at her, pinched her, or tried to kick her, we implemented "you hit, you sit," except we used his big, soft bed in the room as the place for him to sit. We said these words each time, "Uh, oh, you may not hurt your sister. When you are ready to treat her kindly, you may come out of your room." Key to this, was to not shame, scold, lecture or punish. We simply wanted our son to see that he could control his actions toward his sister. It was beautiful to see our little guy begin to treat his sister with respect; and to see him grow in the realization that he could control himself.

I want all of my blog readers to know that I plan to post more frequently in the future, and I also plan to revamp my blog soon to include pictures and be more friendly to read.

Grace truly covers a multitude of sins. May we revel in God's grace daily, clinging to Him as we press on towards the finish line.

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Genuine Obedience

Little man was playing with daddy yesterday. I smiled as I overheard their conversation:


Daddy: "We will play with your train set, but first I want you to clean up these toys."
Little man: "Okay, daddy. Okay. I will clean them up right now."


I smiled because we have never forced our son to say, "Okay," when we make a request of  him. Yes, when we have a specific request we make sure that we follow through, that our request gets headed, that our words have meaning. And our little guy does not always say, "okay," when we ask something of him. Sometimes, our requests make him upset.


So hearing, "Okay, daddy. I will," just melts our hearts. Why? Because it is a response to us that comes straight from the heart of our precious child. It is a response that we did not force or manipulate. It is a response based on our child's love for us.


That being said, I wish to clarify before going any further that my children are human. I am not any more shocked when they mess up, then when I myself do. My husband and I are not aiming to grow children who are models of exemplary behavior. We are aiming to raise children who understand that God's grace in Christ covers all our sins; children who understand that Jesus wants us to have an authentic relationship with Him.


Philippians 2:5-8 describes true obedience as exemplified by Christ himself: 


Let this mind be in you which was also in Christ Jesus,  who, being in the form of God, did not consider it robbery to be equal with God, but made Himself of no reputation, taking the form of a bondservant, and coming in the likeness of men. And being found in appearance as a man, He humbled Himself and became obedient to the point of death, even the death of the cross.


The beauty of Jesus' obedience here? His obedience was a choice. It was a choice for Him to humble himself. It was a choice for Him to sacrifice His life for us. God did not say, "Jesus, you are my beloved son, so I am going to force you to obey, because that is the right thing for you to do." No, Jesus had a perfect, intimate relationship with God; He was God; yet, He chose obedience.


You see, integral to genuine obedience is choice. When we force our children to "hop to it" and do what we say, or else, we teach them to comply. Many children are labeled as obedient because they immediately, without question, do what their parents tell them to do; I would label these children as "compliant," because they are doing what their parents tell them to in order to a)avoid punishment and b)avoid parental disapproval. 


That is not to say that I don't help my son comply with my requests. I choose to do this without the use of punishments of any type. But, to keep my children safe, to teach them to become responsible citizens, I require compliance, with the offer of help if they are having trouble complying on their own.


Yet, this leads to the question of our ultimate goal as parents: is it to have children who are compliant, or children who understand what it means to genuinely obey from the heart? Many times throughout the Bible, the following phrase is used: "the obedience of faith." It provides a wonderful example of what genuine obedience erupts from. When we choose to believe what God says, when we choose to trust Him, we are exhibiting the obedience of faith. And what brings us to this obedience? It is a confidence that God can be trusted; that in His very nature, He is good. It is a confidence that what He says is true. It is an assurance that we are perfectly accepted in the Beloved. It is the rest that is found in knowing that we do not need to do anything to please God, because Christ did it all, and we are hidden in Him.


God NEVER uses force, fear, or coercion, though He has every right to, to get us to trust Him. Instead, He first restores relationship with us through Jesus. Then He invites us to daily walk in that relationship, which involves the obedience of faith.


As we care for, protect, guide, nurture, and correct our children, we must remember that our job as parents is not to somehow force our children to obey (though we often graciously help them to comply).


You see, obedience is a choice, a decision, that God wants our children to make on their own; devoid of any coercion on our parts. Children are told to obey their parents in both Ephesians and Colossians. We as parents need to recognize that obedience to us is something that God asks our children, not us, to accomplish. We also need to ask ourselves if our behavior toward our children invites them into a freedom-filled relationship with us; a relationship based on grace; a relationship in which obedience spontaneously erupts from a heart of love. We need to make sure that we are not parenting to impress others with our compliant children. 


As our Father has so tenderly extended His love toward us, let us in turn reciprocate this love to our children. It may make our parenting look more messy than some, but for me, this messiness is worth the end product: children who understand obedience as a choice, and choose to obey anyways.

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Swiftly Approaching Disequilibrium

fI love these books by Louise Bates Ames & Frances L. Ilg in which they describe the development and behavior of different age groups. Here is the description of the three year old on the back cover of Your Three-Year-Old Child: "A three-year-old child is a real puzzle to parents, sometimes anxious to please and befriend, sometimes strong-willed and difficult to get along with. At the heart of the three-year-old's personality is often an emotional insecurity--and this causes a host of problems for parents!"

The first chapter of the book describes the three-year-old as easy-going and eager-to-please. Then, it describes an interesting phenomenon: at three and a half, the child undergoes a period of disequilibrium. Other Ames & Ilg development books describe how, usually at half ages, children undergo periods of emotional, physical, and behavioral "rockiness". This period is usually followed by a period of peace and stability. Here are some characteristics of three-and-a-half year old disequilibrium: "Refusing to obey is perhaps the key aspect of this turbulent, troubled period in the life of the young child....he strengthens this will by going against whatever is demanded of him.... (5)," "...characteristically inwardized, insecure, anxious, and, above all, determined and self-willed....The three-and-a-half-year-old child seems emotionally very insecure from the word go...(6)," "....stuttering...tensional outlets....vision, too, may pose special problems...emotional insecurity....sometimes it almost seems that nothing pleases...(7,8)."

When Aydon turned three, I immediately read and reread this Ames & Ilg book dedicated to three year olds. I do not follow all the discipline advice in the book, but I appreciate the description of age-appropriate behavior; it helps me be patient and understanding when my little guy has trouble.

At three, Aydon was so happy and easy to manage that I thought perhaps at three-and-a-half he would be an exception to the "rule". I am beginning to believe otherwise! Aydon is not three and a half yet, but he is almost there. Little three-and-a-half year old behaviors are manifesting themselves. Yesterday, at supper, he screamed, "Don't look at me!" to his dad, and then a few seconds later, sweetly offered to share some of his food with said longsuffering daddy.

But that is not all that happened yesterday! Earlier in the day, at the end of a long grocery-shopping trip, as I was sighing with relief and feeling proud because baby was sleeping peacefully on my bosom in the sling and Aydon was cheerful and visiting with me from the front seat of the cart, I encountered some astonishing behavior that ushered me swifty into the world of three-and-a-half. It all started with a small dollar-bill-like slip of paper that children are given at the checkout. It is called an HEBuddy buck; children place it in a kiddie slot machine located at the store exit, in exchange for stickers. Now, usually the cashier gives Aydon several said "bucks." But today, Aydon received only one. Being that Aydon was holding the buck, I thought that he realized he only had ONE to spend. I scooped Aydon out of the cart and set him in front of the machine. He skillfully fed the buck into the slot, and withdrew his sticker. "Ok, let's go home!" I cheerfully exclaimed, feeling like a GREAT momma (keep in mind that this slot machine is at the exit to the store; in other words, the kids using the machine are on display in front of all shoppers checking out). And that is where the trouble began...as I lifted Aydon back into the cart, he loudly declared, "No!!! I don't wanna ride in the cart! AAAAHHHH! I want another HEBuddy buck!!" (flailing and ruckus ensue). A grandma nearby, seeing my son's distress, offered him an extra buck (grrr...um, thank you, grandma). Foolishly, I took my screaming child out of the card and let him use the next buck. Then, as I lifted him back into the cart, drama ensued once more (oh, at this point he was also holding some pamphlets he had grabbed off a shelf), "NOOOO! I don't want to ride in the cart!" I finally managed to get him seated, upon which he angrily threw the pamphlets to the floor. Once again, foolishly, I lifted my boy out of the cart, growling, stifling my embarrassment, "Oh, no, Aydon, we need to clean these up." I held his hand and walked him to the pamphlets, placing one in his hand. "No! I can do it myself," exclaimed my suddenly-maniacal child, dislodging his hand from mine, and running like a madman toward the front door. At the last minute, he veered away, then made a wide arch towards the pamphlet stand, tossing the pamphlet onto it. And yes, horror of horrors, before I could get a grip on things, he repeated this with each of the other three pamphlets. Finally, I managed to grabbed my son and lifted him back into the cart. There was some good that came out of this: my son and I had an excellent and bonding conversation about the importance of listening to mommy on the way home.

As I reflected on the grocery store experience, I came to a startling realization: three-and-a-half is swiftly upon us. So, here are some decisions I am making in regards to how I want to handle things:

     1) As one of my sweet readers pointed out: parent by the Spirit. Allow Him to control me. When a situation presents itself, take a deep breath, recognize that I do not have to let sin (anger, etc) control me, and allow the Spirit produce his fruit in my life (gentleness, patience, self-control, etc).

     2) Revert to a main strategy used at two and a half, namely, remain near my child at all times, enforcing rules through swift, kind, firm action. For example, he absolutely must hold my hand in the parking lot, he will ride in the cart at the store, and if I make a request, I will stand near him so as to ensure that my request is heeded. This is because I realize that my son's inner world is rocky and out of sorts right now, and he needs stability in his outer world because he will have more trouble controlling himself than he used to.

    3) Spend a lot of time outdoors, engaged in free play. Limit television, which winds little man up. Provide my precious child with a routine that is not too rigid, yet allows life to feel somewhat structured.

   4) Remember that aberrant behavior is the result of inward upheaval, respond with compassion, don't take things personally, and recall how quickly this stage will pass, therefore enjoying each moment, whether easy or difficult to navigate.

Most of all, I want to remember that love and grace trump all other actions and attitudes, for my own Heavenly Father is constantly pouring out His love and grace on this often-crazily-behaved momma, as He gently reminds me that I need Him to take control, lead, and guide me at all times!

 

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Al Naturale

I was watching a TV show last night, which featured a large family. One of the children had written on the counter with marker, and the mom immediately marched her five littles in and demanded to know who the culprit was. Of course, none of the children would fess up, so all five had to stand in the utility room, noses to the wall, for four minutes (one minute per year of age). When the time was up, the mom explained to her children what they had done wrong, again, and sent them off to play. Now, I am not criticizing this mother...she clearly loved her children, but I do think she could have employed a different method. I noticed the sad looks on the children's faces after time-out, the look of children who are so sorry to have disappointed their mommy, so sad that their behavior forced her to punish them: the look of  shame. I know from experience that long after a punishment has been implemented, the punishee (forgive me for coining a word here) worries that the punisher is unhappy with her/him, and also that the punishment is often more recollected by the punishee than the "crime" itself. 

I posit that natural-like consequences would have been much more effective in this situation. The goal of Christian discipline, I believe, is to teach, correct and guide. So, when we discipline our children, we should ensure that our method will teach our children without shaming them. In the instance of the marker, the mom in question's goal was to teach her children not to write on counter tops. Why not invite them all into the kitchen, show them the marker stain, and then calmly declare, "Uh, oh, marker on the counter. Marker is only for paper. We need to clean this off."? Then, she could have handed her children each a rag, or a scrub brush, and let them work the marker off, possibly lending a hand here and there. This would need to be done without shaming comments, lectures, or angry words. In fact, it would be fine if, in the course of the consequence, the children actually had fun!! This way, the mom's role is not that of a judge who sentences her children and then carries out the sentence, but, rather, her role would be that of a kind teacher who offers her children the chance to correct and learn from mistakes.

Yesterday, little man wanted his daddy to play with him before work. Daddy informed him that he would play, after little man cleaned up the play dough he had been playing with. Little man did not want to clean up his play dough. Daddy warned him that the longer it took for him to clean up, the less time he would be able to play with little man, as he had to go to work. Little man started running around the room, playing with other toys. We informed him that he could either sit on the couch and rest (since he said he was too tired to clean up his play dough), or he could go ahead and clean up his mess. Little man opted to sit on the couch for a loooong time. Finally, he got up and cleaned up his play dough. Then he looked expectantly at daddy: "Play with me, daddy!" Daddy looked at his watch, and said, "All right, but I can only play for five minutes, and then I have to get ready for work." Little man accepted this, though he was a bit sad when his daddy had to leave to get ready for work. This is an example of a natural consequence in action. I believe that this is one of the most effective ways of teaching our children. Little man learned a bit about using his time wisely; he learned the reason why listening to what we say and doing it right away can have rewards (more time to play). He learned that he is responsible for his own behavior, and the consequences thereof. Never once did we have to shame, lecture, or punish. We did not have to stress out over our son's behavior--the choice and the consequences thereof, good or bad, were up to him.

This is really how God disciplines His children: His aim is to teach us, not to punish us. If in doubt, read Hebrews 11 and 12. Read the book of James. What do these books show is the purpose of discipline and trials in the Christian life? The purpose is to train His children, sometimes to correct them, but never to punish. 

As parents, let us meditate on these excellent verses from 1 John 4: 

¹⁵ If anyone acknowledges that Jesus is the Son of God, God lives in them and they in God. ¹⁶And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. ¹⁷ This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. ¹⁸ There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love.

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Awaken Their Hearts

My husband and I were listening to the Christian radio station today. He mentioned that he did not much like Third Day because the lead musician sounds like he is trying to copy the lead musician in Creed. This is a matter of opinion, of course, but my hubby and I don't care for most Christian music: to us it sounds canned, like food that was once tasty but has been processed so much that it has lost its original flavor. And that leads to the question: If we Christians have been redeemed, given a new heart; if our relationship with our Creator has been restored, then why does our music sound like yesterday's leftovers? Shouldn't we Christians, restored human beings, be the ones creating new and beautiful songs? Forgive me for saying this, but I think that Christian literature is canned also (though there are some exceptions). It seems to me that for so many Christians, their creativity, their sense of self, their ability to stand out in a crowd as something unique and indeed, a reflection of the divine, is masked, smothered somehow.


Where do we develop our sense of self? I believe that our sense of self develops as we grow from babyhood into adulthood, and is greatly influenced by our families, because, let's face it, no matter what sort of personality we have, we begin life looking up to the people who clothe and feed us. If family so influences the way we think about ourselves, it is vital that parents step back from their parenting practices, and take a long, hard look at what those practices are communicating to their children. If you observe most recommended Christian parenting practices today, you might be surprised to discover a secular influence: behavioral psychology. Now, this sad fact is laughable in some ways because most Christian parenting gurus scoff at modern psychology, citing it as the reason why parents choose not to spank, and therefore have hell-bent children (though I do see psychology, the study of the mind, as important, I do find it ironic that Christian parenting is so reliant on one "stream" of psychological thought).


Let me share with you some of the tenants of behaviorism as found on a web article by Saul Mcleod, a psychology lecturer at Wigan and Leigh College (http://www.simplypsychology.org/behaviourism.html): 
                       

• Behaviourism is primarily concerned with observable behaviour, as opposed to internal events like thinking.
• Behaviour is the result of stimulus – response (i.e. all behaviour, no matter how complex, can be reduced to a simple stimulus – response features).
• Behaviour is determined by the environment (e.g. conditioning).

Behavior is the result of stimulus...hmmm....doesn't this sound like Christian parenting instruction? Reward good behavior, punish negative behavior. Follow this formula,and, lo and behold, you will have a good person, a quality kid. Oh, and just for good measure, use a few poetic Proverbs (wise sayings) literally, apply them as promises, and you have the perfect parenting philosophy, one that teaches that if you punish your children when they misbehave, with the rod, they will be saved from eternal punishment.

The problem is, however, that the core of the behaviorist approach is decidedly anti-biblical. Here are two central tenants of behaviorism(quoted from Saul Mcleod):

* People have no free will – a person’s environment determines their behavior

* When born our mind is 'tabula rasa' (a blank slate).

This is absolutely NOT what the Bible teaches. The Bible teaches that all our innermost parts were formed in our mother's wombs. The Bible teaches that we all inherited a nature from Adam that is messed up, bound to sin; but it also teaches that each person is given a will, the ability to make choices. If the foundation of so much Christian parenting philosophy is behaviorism, then we need to take a fresh look at our parenting techniques, and ask whether or not they are truly biblical.


Did you know that behaviorist techniques are used, effectively, to train animals? If you are trying to teach your dog to sit, for example, you will reward him with a bone each time he sits, until he learns to sit on command. Interestingly, as I have mentioned before, science now shows that punishments should not be used to train animals, as it will cause them to lose heart and become angry. The problem with using behaviorism on people is that it deals only with outward behavior. There is a sad misconception among many Christians that if they force their children to comply with their commands, then it will also change their children's hearts.


Let me take a shot at explaining what behaviorist techniques do to a child raised in a Christian home. Christian parents use God's law as their standard of right and wrong behavior (nothing wrong with that). The problem arises here: children are externally motivated to do right and to avoid doing wrong. They learn, early on, to only behave in an acceptable manner. If you, as an adult, knew that someone would inflict pain on you when you did something he/she did not want you to do, wouldn't you avoid the pain-inflicting behavior at all costs? So, when we look at the externals, it would appear that we are creating model citizens by applying behaviorist techniques. Again, the problem arises because behaviorism can only deal with the externals. 


As Christians, we believe that children are born with a soul, with a personality, an identity, unique to them. They are also born with a sin nature, though in the Bible children themselves are never labeled as "devils" or as "ugly rotten sinners" who need to have the sin beaten out of them. When we reward our children for "good" behavior and punish them for "bad" behavior, we are not getting rid of the "bad" behavior; we are forcing it underground. Our children, like us, will at times experience jealousy, greed, selfishness and envy, etc. By punishing the outward expression of these inward vices, we are teaching our children to hide them, to pretend that they do not struggle with things. We are teaching them that they are good as long as they behave well. We are also instilling a deep shame and self-loathing in them, for they know that though they do not outwardly display certain behaviors and feelings, they experience them within. The only way they know, then, to deal with these things, is to mentally flog, berate and shame themselves. They inwardly yell, "I'm so stupid! I hate myself! Why can't I do better?"


These children are not offered the freedom that comes with knowing Christ, with understanding that He came to make their hearts new, clean, free of charge. Their parents teach them the gospel, but the children have been instilled with a lethal dose of shame, believing that at their core, they are evil, worthy of the worst of punishments. The children struggle to grasp the truth that when they put their trust in Christ's death and resurrection on their behalf, they are given a new, perfect, clean identity because they believe that their very personalities, their selves, designed in them by God, are ugly and wretched. If you believed this way, wouldn't you struggle to express yourself creatively? If you believed that you, at the core, are wretched, wouldn't you have trouble knowing who you are; wouldn't you, indeed, try very hard not to even find out who you are? After all, your parents carefully trained you to only display the side of you that was acceptable to them. You were shaped by your parents as though you were a tabula rasa, a blank slate waiting to be written on. The only truth you know about yourself is what you have been trained to believe, which is really that you are a disgusting, vile person who deserves punishment.


What if God was a behaviorist? This is how the Garden of Eden would have looked: God would have told Adam and Eve that if they touched the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, then he would spank them hard enough to really hurt. He would have used fear of punishment to keep Adam and Eve away from something that would, indeed, harm them and the entire human race. Would it have worked? More than likely. But God gave man free will. He wanted man to follow Him by choice; not because he was forced to. He wanted man to be internally motivated to choose Him; not externally. 


Forgive me if I am making too great a leap, but I suspect that many Christian children grow into adults who, believing their very selves to be evil, hide those selves, failing to realize that God designed their unique personalities. At the cross, he freed them from the influence of sin, thus enabling them to freely express their true selves, which are not, and never were, evil. 


As Christian parents, it is our challenge to discover who the unique person God created our child to be is; to awaken the core of them, to inspire them to be who they are free of shame. Yes, we call sin sin. Yes, we teach our children God's law. But we do not label our children as evil; we do not teach them to hide themselves in fear of retribution, as though they are somehow too ugly for us to accept free of charge.  We do not teach them to cower in shame whey the do wrong, because, indeed, Jesus has died for them, to redeem and restore them. God, after all, made no mistakes when He created them as the individuals that they are; punishment instills a child with a deep sense of shame and a desire to hide any part of her/himself that may be unacceptable. Perhaps, if our children grow up without shame, they will more freely express themselves in a multitude of ways that bring glory to the God whom they represent and reflect.

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