Peace that Passes Understanding

It has been way too long since I last blogged. Baby is coming at the end of March, and we have been trying to prepare for this birth. My plan was to have a VBAC at the local birthing center, but they are understaffed, and at 32 weeks, they told me I could not birth the baby there. That led to a search for a midwife who could do a home birth on such short notice--and, praise God, we found one. So now we are in the process of buying all the items we will need for the birth.

Today was one of those days where I felt like a train that got derailed, and I did not know how to get back on the track. Little man is having allergies right now, and that makes him wake up early in the morning. Things were going well, but then little man and I missed our nap. Enter numerous rough and "squirrely" behaviors from little man. He wants to tackle and wrestle mommy. On days like today, he is apt to do anything I tell him not to do, unless I am standing right beside him to enforce what I say; I am a terrible get-off-my-but momma when I am tired.  By this evening, I felt like I was going to pull my hair out. Numerous thoughts began to nag at me: "I am such a bad mom!! Look at how he is acting!" and "I can't handle this anymore. I just want to crawl into a hole and cry. Do I really have to cook supper and wash the dishes?? How on earth am I going to manage that?!"

I told my husband how I was feeling, and he reminded me that most days he feels like he is falling apart too, and that all we can really do is to trust God. Honestly, that was the last thing I wanted to do at the end of this crazy day. I often worry that God is the one who is putting all those nagging, self-loathing thoughts in my head. I am afraid that he is going to "flog" me somehow, remind me that I am a failure, get onto me for not trusting Him sooner. But, I was at the end of my abilities, and I had no one to lean on but God. It is amazing what happens when we turn to Him! He really is the best example of the best parent out there! When I turned to him, the first thing that happened? Weight fell off of my shoulders. I had a sense of calmness, of peace. It was as if my Father were hugging me, telling me everything would be ok.

After I calmed down, rested in my Father's unconditional love, a new understanding of my little guy emerged. Compassion replaced frustration. My Father in heaven, rather than berating me for not following through like I should, or for not being the momma that I should be, welcomed me into his arms with tenderness and forgiveness. And I am an adult; I should know better than to live disconnected from God, my life-source, for a minute, let alone a whole day! But God does not berate me when I fail, he beckons me closer to Him. And here I was, frustrated with my tiny, immature three-year old, for not controlling himself better when I had been spending hours steeped in attitudes and patterns of thinking that were not from God but from my flesh: I was allowing sin to control me. For the first time, I really saw my poor little guy; he was so tired! I stooped down on his level, gave him a hug, and told him that I loved him. I explained to him that I needed to do dishes while he played with his toys, and then we were going to read a lot of stories together. He beamed through those exhausted eyes of his. Why hadn't I noticed them before? Now he is peacefully asleep, and all seems well with the world.

I wonder why it takes me so long to trust God sometimes? I am often afraid that before He invites me back into fellowship with Him, I will have to pay some sort of penance; that I will have to somehow suffer shame. And yet, His word clearly states that when I live in sin, I simply need confess, and He is faithful and just to forgive. I hope that my little guy experiences this sort of grace from me as he grows into maturity; that he never thinks he must suffer before he can be in "fellowship" with me again! I know that for that to happen, I need my heavenly Father to love through me; I would be a crappy momma without Him, that is for sure.

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